After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

304 Pages·1997·0.79 MB·english

by  Janis Abrahms Spring

A
FTER
the
A
FFAIR
Healing the Pain
and Rebuilding Trust
When a Partner Has
Been Unfaithful
JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, PH.D.
WITH MICHAEL SPRING
To my best buddies,
Aaron, Max, and Michael
Contents
Acknowledgments vi
Introduction—Can a Couple Survive Infidelity? 1
Stage One
Reacting to the Affair: “Is What I’m Feeling Normal?” 7
1 The Hurt Partner’s Response: Buried in an Avalanche of
Losses 9
2 The Unfaithful Partner’s Response: Lost in a Labyrinth of
Choices 37
Stage Two
Reviewing Your Options: “Should I Stay or Leave?” 61
3 Exploring Your Ideas About Love 63
4 Confronting Your Doubts and Fears 80
Stage Three
Recovering from the Affair: “How Do We Rebuild Our Life
Together?” 107
5 Learning from the Affair 109
6 Restoring Trust 147
7 How to Talk About What Happened 167
8 Sex Again 192
9 Learning to Forgive 234
Epilogue—Revealing the Secret: Truth and Consequences 249
Notes 259
Bibliography 271
Index 281
About the Authors
Praise
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher

Acknowledgments
When I first started giving workshops in couples therapy, I’d leave fif-
teen minutes at the end to discuss the treatment of infidelity. Gradually,
as it became clear that virtually nothing had been written on how to
help couples who were trying to recover from an affair, I decided to
focus my talks and private practice on this topic, and to write this book.
At first, I got mixed reactions. Patients and therapists said, “Great.
When can I get a copy?” Friends said, “How exciting. Let’s have a
party.” Acquaintances said, “Thank God this has nothing to do with
me.” Publishers and editors said, “Yes, there’s definitely a need for such
a book, but will anyone be brave enough to pick it up and bring it to
the cashier?” While I was looking for an editor, I found that more than
one was afraid to touch it for fear that it would stir up problems in their
relationships. “I have a good marriage,” one editor told me. “I’m afraid
this material will infect us.” Fortunately, once HarperCollins bought
the book, and my husband, Michael, agreed to help me write it, everyone
seemed to stand behind it.
I never knew what it meant, or took, to write a book. Now I know.
And now, every time I walk into a bookstore or library, I am in awe of
the incredible expenditure of time and energy so many people make
just to put their ideas into print.
I went into this project thinking I was an expert, but the more I inter-
viewed and treated couples, the more I learned. As Anna says in The
King and I, “By your pupils you are taught.” By listening to my patients
and others who have endured a betrayal or who have had affairs
themselves, I came to understand how individuals cope with and re-
solve—or fail to resolve—their infidelity crises. Their candor and self-
scrutiny made it possible for me to recognize patterns in what people
experience and what they need to heal.
There are many people I’d like to thank for helping me bring this
book to completion, including those mentors and colleagues who trained
me. When I was just out of graduate school, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, founder
of cognitive therapy, let me sit by his side and observe him supervising
students at the Center for Cognitive Therapy. He taught me when to
intervene and when to remain silent, when to critique a belief and when
to leave it alone. He provided a model of therapy and a career for me
that has helped me become an effective therapist. I also was fortunate
to be supervised by Dr. David D. Burns, who taught me with humor
and ingenuity many strategies to help people change. I extend deep
appreciation to Dr. Jeffrey Young, who integrated cognitive therapy
with other established models and significantly expanded its effective-
ness in dealing with more intractable clinical problems. He combed
through sections of this manuscript, offering detailed comments about
how our childhood affects who we are today. My thanks to Dr. Albert
Ellis, Dr. Richard Stuart, Dr. Neil Jacobson, Dr. Norman Epstein, Dr.
Don Baucom, Dr. Chris Padesky, and Dr. David Bricker—all of whom
have furthered my application of cognitive-behavioral principles to the
treatment of distressed couples.
Claire Quigley at the Westport Public Library and Kristina Coop of
the University of North Carolina provided much needed library and
research assistance.
When everyone else was still debating the salability of this book, my
agent, Chris Tomasino, stood by me and encouraged me. She also read
every word of the manuscript and offered astute editorial suggestions.
Her assistant, Jonathan Diamond, was always available to help me.
I thank Peternelle van Arsdale, Janet Goldstein, and Gail
Winston, my editors at HarperCollins, for shepherding me through this
process. My gratitude also to Clio Manuelian, my publicist, for her
contagious enthusiasm; Kristen Auclair for managing countless editorial
details; and Guy Kettelhack for his help in preparing the proposal.
Also, I thank with all my heart:
My parents, Dolly and Louis Lieff, for years of sacrifice to give me a
great education, and for encouraging me to develop my own separate
voice.
My brother, Joel, for being a kind soul and always looking out for
me.
My stepchildren Declan and Evan, for their wisdom, and for all the
good times we’ve shared together, away from the computer.
My children, Max and Aaron, who have brought laughter and
meaning to my life. I’m so lucky to have lived these years with them
by my side.
And my husband, Michael: Is there any activity more intimate than
writing a book with someone? I respect (and envy) his perfectionistic
eye and extraordinarily clear mind. I’ll miss those hours sitting elbow
to elbow with him at the computer, fighting fiercely over a word or
concept. I thank him for the ton of time he gave this manuscript, and
for his wonderful good nature, which kept us going.