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A Helping Hand, mediation with Nonviolent Communication2nded PDF

199 Pages·2010·3.173 MB·English
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A Helping Hand Mediation with Nonviolent Communication 2nd Edition Liv Larsson Friare Liv Mjösjölidvägen 477,946 40 Svensbyn Sweden Info @friareliv.se www.friareliv.se If you have not purchased this book directly from us, e-mail or call us if you wish to receive our book catalogue and newsletter. © Copyright: Liv Larsson 2010. Original title Skapa möten och kontakt genom medling, att agera tredje part med hjälp av Nonviolent Communication. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a photographic recording, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise copied for public or private use without the written permission of the publisher. Requests for permission should be Addressed to: Friare Liv AB Mjösjölidvägen 477 946 40 Svensbyn Sweden Phone: + 46 911 24 11 44 [email protected] www.friareliv.se/eng Author: Liv Larsson Translation: Johan Rinman Layout: Kay Rung Cover design: Vilhelm PH Nilsson www.communicationforlife.org/vilhelm/ ISBN 978-91-8748-910-5 Ebooksproduction: Publit, 2013 What People say about The Helping Hand, Mediation with Nonviolent Communication and Liv Larsson’s work In April – May 2010 we had the worst political conflict in our society. Once again, my colleagues and I used mediation skills in acting as the third party in conflict. In one incident, a friend and I were in the middle of a conflict between a group of anti- government protesters and a group of soldiers who were holding rifles in postures ready to shoot. We ran between the two sides and helped them communicate with each other. Finally, the problem was solved peacefully and no one was injured. I used mediation skills at my best efforts to save not only other people’s lives but also my own. At the personal level, the mediation skills I learned from Liv and Kay1 helped ground me when facing violent conflicts. I used these skills when dealing with people from all sides, who were full of anger, fear, and grief. Seeing how mediation skills learned from Liv and Kay worked in the midst of conflicts and could save lives, I would recommend them to anyone. - Pairin Jotisakulratana Peace activist Thailand I appreciate the attention to the underlying thinking that exacerbates conflict and also the shift of consciousness that invites conflict as a way of deepening our understanding and connection. - Jori Manske, Restorative Mediator and CNVC certified trainer I have grown to have a deep appreciation for Liv’s incorporation of Non-violent Communication into her life. When I heard that she had written a book on what she has learned in offering trainings in NVC mediation, I was pleased because of my personal dream of trainers offering NVC mediation trainings . I am confident that Liv’s book will lead the way for trainers and mediators in many places.” - Ike Lasater, author of Words That Work In Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace I thoroughly enjoy Liv and Kay’s mediation training. They have broken down an art form into specific, do-able steps that I can follow and practice. I particularly like their easy-to-remember “hand” skill map where each finger represents a mediation skill. First, we work with a skill through written exercises so we have some time to think about it. Then, we try out each skill in a mediation triad format, and progress to combining them together into more complex skills. So, from something I find daunting and difficult, Liv and Kay have turned mediation into a fun, fast pace learning experience. My deep appreciation to both of you!! - Kanya Peaceworker and NVC teacher in Thailand This book is like a GPS system that helps you navigate through the process of learning mediation with ease, no matter if you are a single parent whose kids are fighting every day or a professional relationship counselor. With each practical exercise you complete, you will gain confidence in your mediation skills. You will find out where your strengths and growing edges in mediation are, and thus be able to practice more efficiently. The self-reflection exercises will invite you to deeply inquire into your motivation for mediating, allowing you to be aware where e.g. your passion for people’s freedom of choice might turn into a blind spot. With the toolbox that this book provides, rather than hoping that you would know what to do when others are fighting and when so many things are happening at the same time, you will have clear focal points for your attention. I used to think of mediation as something that only people with years of professional training and experience could do and to feel overwhelmed when others started fighting. Nowadays I lead workshops that help advanced NVC practitioners refine their mediation skills. “The helping hand” has been a major instrument in turning me from a cheering observer of Marshall Rosenberg’s international mediation successes into someone passionately teaching and mentoring others. - Ariane Korth, Undefend Yourself Trainer, BayNVC Leadership Program ‘10 Participant and ‘11 Assistant Trainer 1. Mediation colleague ↵ Contents Preface Summary of the book Chapter 1 Mediation What is mediation? Our view of human nature affects our ability to mediate A need-based view of human nature Mediation as a natural part of our culture? Justice has to be done??? Our words carry our view of human nature Chapter 2 The dream - a world without conflict? Conflict – crisis or possibility? The difference between domination cultures and life - serving cultures Win-Win or zero-sum games Chapter 3 Minding other peoples’ business Mediating without being invited When the mediator is not received Civil courage or disrespectful behavior? Passivity supports violence Passivity and obedience Your internal reaction when people around you are in conflict Your internal reaction to other peoples’ conflicts when you want to give advice or “fix it” Chapter 4 Sweet revenge and losing face How revenge became sweet Revenge and forgiveness – two sides of the same coin The core of mediation, revenge and reconciliation Empathy instead of “forgive me” To apologize with the help of NVC Losing face What do you do to avoid losing face? Never do anything to avoid shame or guilt Chapter 5 Nonviolent Communication as an approach to mediation Nonviolent Communication Basic principles of NVC When mediation can be used Mediation can be used in conflicts The model Needs - our common denominator Cause or stimulus Some of our common human needs Feelings – the children of needs Strong feelings - a help or a hindrance? Some basic feelings we all have When it comes to making requests in mediation Practice asking for what you want Challenges To be able to differentiate observing from judging Static language vs process-oriented language Enemy images Observation or interpretation, depending on the point of view Conflicts lead to conflict Reflect on “Conflict” Conflicts exist on the level of strategies - not on the level of needs Empathy When we choose something else than empathy The difference between empathy and sympathy Advice instead of empathy Reflecting back exactly what someone has said Mixing feelings with thoughts Sort out your listening The ultimate solution The price we pay for getting stuck defending one position How big is the cake? Compromising or shifting Body language that matches the words Touch Chapter 6 The mediator’s tool box Tools used at a mediation 1. Listening, translating and rephrasing what is being expressed 2.“Pulling someone by the ear” – helping the parties to understand each other 3. To interrupt 4. First aid-empathy 5. Self-Empathy - to empathize with oneself 6. Tracking - to follow what is going on Cycles Problem-solving or reconciliation Educate or mediate Summary of the mediators’ role Chapter 7 Practise practise practise Preparing to mediate Pitfalls and benefits Be clear about your purpose in mediating Translating expressions that can get in the way of connection Translating what is being expressed so that it contributes to connection Reflecting – What have I learned from these exercises? Practising “Pulling someone by the ear” Written exercise - “Pulling someone by the ear” Exercise in interrupting Writing exercise in interrupting Exercise in interrupting and giving first aid-empathy The roles to be taken Writing exercise - in interrupting and giving first aid-empathy Reflecting In depth exercise in interrupting Practising Self-Empathy during mediation Exercise in tracking needs Exercise informal mediation - in slow motion Chapter 8 Formal mediation To mediate after being invited to do so What happens during a mediation Meeting with the parties before the mediation The mediator’s preparations Background information Prepare yourself to mediate The sense of free choice -a prerequisite for a successful mediation If someone hears demands and rebels If someone hears demands and “gives in” The neutral mediator Two mediators or one? The place for the mediation The start of the mediation Who starts? Time frames Solutions and agreements Clear requests can prevent conflicts Focus on the core of the conflict After the mediation Reminders to the mediator Mediation in five steps Mediation step by step Practicing formal mediation - in slow motion Chapter 9 Challenges and opportunities Variations of mediation 1. When neither party wants to listen 2. In different rooms 3. Communication through the mediator 4a. The mediator takes one of the roles 4b. Two mediators each take a role 5. Record the talks 6. Threatening situations 7. The mediator as a fellow human The mediator’s responsibility Situations where mediation might not be a good idea Process or a separate event - shuttle mediation The purpose of a shuttle mediation Shuttle mediation – preparations Exercise in shuttle mediation Roles It’s not about doing “the right thing” Our choices will affect others Moral development Mediation in crime Summary - What mediation in crime can contribute to: Restorative justice Traditional legal system: Restorative system: Summary of Restorative justice Mediation in the work place Appreciation - Conflict prevention Appreciation à la NVC Daily nutrition Conflict is costly Escalating or lowering conflicts Learn from your mistakes Evaluating your mediation skills Celebrate your successes and learn from them Chapter 10 Mediation between children Mediation between children If the adult chooses not to intervene If the adult stops the conflict rather than attempting to mediate If the adult compares More results of comparing Describe what you see rather than compare Using power to protect When an adult tries to mediate by using punishment Mediate between children Some final words Study plan First session Second session Third session Fourth session Fifth session Sixth session and onwards Everyday expression for needs The model Some basic feelings we all have Some basic needs we all have References and literature Electronic sources Thank you About the author Preface I grew up in Norrbotten, in northern Sweden, and it was common to be either directly or distantly related to the people one met. On numerous occasions while growing up, I was both irritated and felt embarrassed when my parents would start every new acquaintance trying to figure out how we were related to each other. When I started to get interested in conflict resolution and mediation, I realized that there were actually reasons to appreciate this interest in kinship. I was helped by seeing that this exploration can contribute in a constructive way to conflict resolution, by making it clear that we are connected, and how our actions can affect others. I realized that there are certain cultures, for example in New Guinea, that deal with conflicts by having a third party help the people involved better understand how they are related to each other. In this way it becomes clear how their own actions can affect both their closest family and relatives, and even target themselves. One of the principles in Nonviolent Communication (NVC), the approach that this book draws upon, is that we are interdependent. The purpose of NVC is to create a connection between us where we wish for everyone’s needs to be considered and met to the greatest possible extent. To be able to create this quality of connection, we have to be willing to realize that our actions affect others. Many of us act as a third party daily, though we might not think of ourselves as mediators. This can be in situations where we actively try to understand, and maybe intervene, when it seems others are struggling to connect. This can be between children, people in our workgroup, or among friends. The founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, has mediated in different conflict situations around the world for over 40 years. Rosenberg views needs as the common driving force behind everything humans do. He understands all emotional experiences to be dependent upon whether our needs are being met or not, and his discoveries have been of great help for me in my work as a mediator. There are many approaches to mediation. I have chosen to deepen my understanding of NVC because it contains very concrete tools that have strengthened my ability to act as a third party. “Genuine cooperation is inspired when participants trust that their own needs and values will be respectfully addressed. The Nonviolent Communication process is based on respectful practices that foster genuine cooperation.” Marshall Rosenberg1 When I first started to mediate, it was a big challenge for me. However, I gradually learned how different parts of NVC could be woven together as a whole. This helped me to develop my mediation skills and became the foundation for the exercises in this book. I have worked things out over a period of many years and I hope that what I share can facilitate your ability to act as a third party in an effective way. With this taken into consideration, I have also written a chapter with exercises to inspire you in actively practicing mediation.

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Most books are stored in the elastic cloud where traffic is expensive. For this reason, we have a limit on daily download.