5,000 Great One Liners

323 Pages·2012·1.14 MB·English

by  Grant Tucker

CONTENTS
Title Page
FOREWORD
THE JOKES
Copyright
FOREWORD
Ihave always found one-liners the cleverest form of comedy: the way they can
garner a laugh with just a few short words inspires my untold admiration for
those who make it an art form. Once a staple of many comedy acts, the one-liner
was perfected by two of my personal favourite stand-ups, Bob Monkhouse and
Les Dawson. Who can forget Monkhouse’s classic “I want to die like my father
peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers”? Sadly,
neither of these comedy legends is still with us today, but their legacy is being
continued by a new generation of comedians. I’m sure if Bob or Les were with
us now they would look proudly upon modern comics who are helping to
introduce young audiences to the beauty of the one-liner. In recent years, the
quick-fire gag has enjoyed a resurgence not only among the big-name stars, but
also among us ordinary folk, and this is thanks partly to social media. Twitter in
particular has given new life to the format, challenging us to condense our jokes
to fit the 140-character limit. Some of the funniest one-liners I’ve ever read have
been the creation of the Twitter hive-mind, and have been retweeted and retold
around the world, being constantly refined and refreshed along the way.
This book has taken many months to put together, but I hope you will agree it
was worth it. It brings together 5,000 of the best one-liners I have ever heard or
read, and is designed entirely to make you chuckle. I have picked up these jokes
in a huge variety of venues in all parts of the country, from the rugby clubs of
Wales to the gentleman’s clubs of London, but one thing they all have in
common is that they are timelessly funny. I’m sure many of these jokes were told
long before I was born, in the corners of pubs up and down the country, so I
cannot take credit for them all. What I would rather do is to thank every person
who has ever told a joke, every person who has ever made anybody else laugh.
Laughter is one of the most beautiful things in the world: it lends colour to our
daily life, it helps us get over the most tragic situations, and it can unite people
from all different backgrounds, colours and creeds, bringing them together in fits
of laughter over a shared experience.
In that spirit, I would like to thank some of the people who have made my life
that little bit better through the power of laughter. Namely, my dad, Carl Tucker,
who is always the first to crack a joke in any situation; my friend Huw Anslow,
who has the ability to turn the most serious moments into a joke; my friend Ryan
Bourne, whose impressions will forever keep me entertained; and my work
colleague Holly Smith: all I need to do is look at her and she can make me laugh.
Jeremy Robson, my publisher, also deserves a special mention. He is one of the
best in the publishing business, but despite that he is also one of the nicest
people you could ever wish to meet.
Finally, I would like to thank my long-suffering editor Olivia Beattie for her
patience during this mammoth project. I can’t imagine it was as much fun for her
to edit this book as it was for me to write it. But despite several deadline
extensions, and numerous changes, she has created a brilliant book out of what
was originally a quite incomprehensible manuscript!
I do hope that this book gives you the same entertainment and moments of
laugh-out-loud hilarity that it gave me when writing it.

Grant Tucker
London, August 2012
THE JOKES
I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He asked for strong lager, but I don’t want
to encourage him.
A vicar was booking into a hotel, and he asked the receptionist: ‘I trust the
pornography channel is disabled, young man?’ ‘No,’ replied the receptionist, ‘it’s
just regular porn, you filthy bastard.’
There’s a new contraceptive pill for men. Put it in your shoe and it makes you
limp.
A teacher at the school for obese children has been sacked for taking cocaine. He
was given away by his massive pupils.
My wife’s leaving me for two reasons: 1. Premature ejaculation; 2. My terrible
memory. I don’t know what’s come over her.
As a musician, I hate the key of E minor. It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.
I met a French guy on holiday and he forced me to start drinking and smoking.
Bloody Pierre Pressure.
My wife texted me after a row to say I was very condescending. To be honest I
was surprised she could spell it.
In prison, I dropped the soap in the shower. I was so scared about all the stories,
I was shitting myself… Put them right off.
I took the wife bungee jumping. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks
below, I thought, ‘That’ll teach you to lie about your weight.’
If a fat kid falls in the forest, and there’s no one around to see it, is it still
hilarious?
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic
number of eighty-two. I’m easily lead.
I did an exam about marriage today. I answered every question with, ‘The Wife’
and failed. Turns out she’s not always right.
Doctor: ‘OK, Mrs A, let’s have a look at your results.’ Patient: ‘My name isn’t
Mrs A.’ Doctor: ‘I have some bad news then. It appears you have MRSA.’
My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them. From her reaction,
I’m guessing ‘Pete’ and ‘Repeat’ wasn’t the best choice.
I’m sick of all the shit on the TV these days. Although it’s probably my fault for
putting the birdcage there in the first place.
My girlfriend said that I’m annoying. I was so stunned I stopped poking her.
My missus says she hates the way I narrate every situation, and here she comes
now.
I was enjoying a brilliant singalong last night, until I was asked to leave the
opera.
Chickens: the only animals you eat before they’re born and after they’re dead.
My wife says I exaggerate the amount of time I work so that I don’t have to
spend time with her. I’d like to see her work twelve days a week, 576 days a
year.
My wife’s got a cracking pair of jugs… So we’re taking them back to John
Lewis to get a refund.
I love Facebook. It’s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like
an idiot.
Did you hear about the band who were due to play a concert against teenage
pregnancies? They pulled out at the last second.
Sky News: ‘Whale washes up on beach.’ Surely that’s Sea News?
If I had a pound for every time I leave something unfinished,
My wife said she’s leaving because of my Facebook addiction. I didn’t like her
comment.
Everybody has an ego. Mine’s just bigger… and better.
Bulbs are gay. Just a bit of light humour, there.
I’m not a big fan of shopping centres. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the
mall.
World’s shortest joke: two women were sitting quietly.
Never kiss a newborn baby. You don’t want to know where it’s been.
Predictive text is for aunts.
My friend’s going to attempt a world record for the world’s longest wank. I think
he might just pull it off.
Some girl asked me, ‘Do you believe in coincidences?’ I replied, ‘Are you
kidding? I was about to ask you the same question.’
I’ve just seen my neighbour sunbathing topless in the garden. I’ve never seen tits
that big in all my life. He really needs to go on a diet.
There’s a fine line between hyphenated words.
There’s a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size
order. The police believe they’re still at large.
An elephant says to a naked man, ‘You poor creature – how can you possibly
drink through that tiny thing?’
A man goes into a library and asks, ‘Do you have a book on how to deal with
rejection without killing?’ ‘N… umm, let me check in the back.’
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dogs that they’re adopted?
Irony: telling someone to ‘get a life’ on Facebook.
My wife is a great lover … of cakes.
At school I was often accused of eavesdropping. I just wish they’d had the guts
to say it to my face.
Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.
The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.
I don’t buy fat-free milk, because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative
body image issues.
I was looking at smoking pipes online when I realised that my boss could check
my history and make me do a drugs test. So I Googled Sherlock Holmes hats.
If I had a penny for every time I heard a bad terrorist joke… You guessed it…
That £9.11 would be in my wallet right now.
‘For Pete’s sake, I’m getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on
you,’ said my wife. ‘Who’s Pete?’ I replied.
Strangely, my wife wasn’t happy at all when I gave her a ring on our wedding
day. Perhaps I should have texted her instead.
I thought I’d forgotten how to play Tetris, but once I started all the pieces
seemed to fall into place.
My fat wife started crying because the airline made her book two seats. I said,
‘Yes, but you’ll get two meals.’ That cheered her right up.
I’ve just bought an earthquake detection stone. You place it on the ground and if
there is an earthquake it jumps up and down.
‘You know why it’s called Jackass?’ complained my girlfriend. ‘Because only
jackasses like you watch it.’ ‘That must be why you watch Loose Women then.’
I’ve set up a charity called ‘Tourette’s Welfare and Treatment’. All we need is an
acronym, and we’re good to go.
I went on a bus tour yesterday – what a rip-off. £10 just to look round a double-
decker.
Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber. I’d blubber too if I had to eat whale meat.
I made my girl’s wishes come true when we got married in a castle. Although
you wouldn’t have thought it from her face as we were bouncing around.
My girlfriend was telling me that obesity is in her genes. I told her that can’t be
true: she looks fat in a skirt as well.
When I was at school I belonged to a gang called the Secret Seven. We were
sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six
were.
I’ve got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and
saw an elephant.
National Geographic +1… Where lightning does strike twice.
Last night my wife called me a lazy bastard. I almost fell off my stairlift.
My wife said she’s leaving me because I always relate everything to Batman.
What a joker.
Local headline: ‘Man jailed in fake washing powder scam.’ Obviously they are
trying to deter gents like him.
Just found out how to grow four inches in four weeks. It really does work!
Regards, Pinocchio.
Adam speaks out. Claims eviction from Garden of Eden was because of
forbidden apple – iPods aren’t allowed on the premises.
I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking. My uncle
smoked, and he only died once.