50 Things Every Guy Should Know How to Do: Celebrity and Expert Advice on Living Large

218 Pages·2006·0.76 MB·English

by  Daniel Kline

13905.FM 50ThingsGuysShouldKnow 2/24/06 12:59 PM Page iii
50
THINGS EVERY GUY
SHOULD KNOW
HOW TO DO
Celebrity and Expert Advice
on Living Large
Edited by
Daniel Kline & Jason Tomaszewski
A PLUME BOOK
PLUME
Published by Penguin Group
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Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published by Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Electronic edition, May 2006

Copyright © Daniel Kline and Jason Tomaszewski, 2006
All rights reserved

50 things every guy should know how to do : celebrity and expert advice on living
large / edited by Daniel Kline & Jason Tomaszewski.
p. cm.
MSR ISBN 0-7865-6352-4
AEB ISBN 0-7865-6353-2
1. Men—Life skills guides. I. Title: Fifty things every guy should know how to
do. II. Kline, Daniel E., 1944– III. Tomaszewski, Jason.
HQ1090.A15 2006
646.70081—dc22
2005034867

Set in Galliard
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13905.FM 50ThingsGuysShouldKnow 2/24/06 12:59 PM Page v
To our parents,
because there are still a few things
you can’t learn from celebrities.
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Contents
Introduction xiii
1. HOW TO GET DRESSED FOR A DATE 1
Carson Kressley, member of Queer Eye for the Straight
Guy’s “Fab Five”
2. HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH 4
Carrot Top, comedian, product spokesperson
3. HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO DATE YOU 6
Britney Rears, adult film star
4. HOW TO COOK FOR YOUR WOMAN 9
Michael Symon, celebrity chef, Food Network host
5. HOW TO HAVE A THREESOME 14
Suzy Baer, author, Step by Step Threesome
6. HOW TO PICK AN ENGAGEMENT RING 19
Moshe Levy, diamond wholesaler
7. HOW TO LAST LONGER IN BED 22
Peter North, adult film star
8. HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING
ON YOU 24
Paul Dank, owner, Advanced Surveillance Group
and CheatingSpousePI.com
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viii Contents
9. HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE 28
Judith Brandt, author, The 50-Mile Rule:
Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette
10. HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND FAMILY 35
Wayne Parker, professional speaker
11. HOW TO CARE FOR CHILDREN 40
Melvin Mora, Baltimore Orioles third baseman
12. HOW TO GET A DIVORCE 42
Sam Bradley, divorce attorney
13. HOW TO COACH A TEAM 46
Joe Walton, former head coach of the
New York Jets, current head coach at Robert Morris
University
14. HOW TO GET A JOB IN SPORTS 53
Bill Dwyre, sports editor, the Los Angeles Times
15. HOW TO THROW A PERFECT SPIRAL 57
Bernie Kosar, former Cleveland Browns quarterback
16. HOW TO PLAY NO-LIMIT TEXAS HOLD ’EM 60
Amarillo Slim, poker legend
17. HOW TO WIN MORE (OR LOSE LESS)
AT A CASINO 65
Bill Burton, gambling expert, About.com casino
gambling host
18. HOW TO BET AT THE TRACK 70
Jerry Bailey, Racing Hall of Fame jockey
19. HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR GOLF GAME 74
Mark Blakemore, PGA golf professional
20. HOW TO BE A BETTER BOWLER 78
Chris Barnes, PBA professional
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Contents ix
21. HOW TO WIN (OR AVOID) A FIGHT 81
Jeff Jarrett, professional wrestler
22. HOW TO GET A JOB 83
Nick Corcodilos, Asktheheadhunter.com
23. HOW TO START YOUR OWN BUSINESS 90
Stephanie Chandler, author, founder
Businessinfoguide.com
24. HOW TO TACKLE HOME IMPROVEMENTS 95
Kevin O’Connor, host, This Old House
25. HOW TO BUY A CAR 99
Jeff Ostruff, consumer advocate, CarBuyingTips.com
26. HOW TO DECLARE BANKRUPTCY 105
Audrey Blondin, former Connecticut Director
of the National Association of Consumer
Bankruptcy Attorneys
27. HOW TO BUY A HOUSE 111
Bill Janovitz, Realtor, musician
28. HOW TO TRAVEL CHEAPLY 114
Sheryl Mexic, owner, Biddingfortravel.com
29. HOW TO GET OUT OF DEBT 118
Debby Fowles, author, The Everything Personal
Finance in Your 20s & 30s Book
30. HOW TO GET A TABLE AT A POPULAR
RESTAURANT 122
Jonathan Waxman, chef/owner, New York’s Barbuto
31. HOW TO ORDER THE RIGHT DRINK
CORRECTLY 125
Dan Rogan, professional bartender
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x Contents
32. HOW TO PICK THE PERFECT BEER 131
Julie Bradford, editor, All About Beer magazine
33. HOW TO SELECT THE PERFECT WINE 136
Paul Wagner, wine expert
34. HOW TO WIN AN EATING CONTEST 141
Edward “Cookie” Jarvis, champion eater
35. HOW TO SELECT AND COOK THE PERFECT
STEAK 144
Tiffany Collins, culinary director, Texas Beef Council
36. HOW TO BEAT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT
BUFFET 149
Hank Fraley, starting center, Philadelphia Eagles
37. HOW TO BUY CIGARS 152
James Yee, cigar expert
38. HOW TO GET IN (OR BACK INTO) SHAPE 156
Mike Ryan, fitness trainer to the stars
39. HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT 159
Richard Simmons, diet guru
40. HOW TO SPEAK IN PUBLIC 163
Joe Tait, play-by-play announcer for the Cleveland
Cavaliers
41. HOW TO GET A MASSAGE 166
Christopher Hall, massage therapist
42. HOW TO NEGOTIATE 169
Reed Bergman, sports agent
43. HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL 172
Memo Gidley, race car driver
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Contents xi
44. HOW TO PIMP YOUR RIDE 176
Q, manager, West Coast Customs
Sidebar: Robert V. Gay Jr., owner of two Nationwide
Insurance branches
45. HOW TO GET ON A REALITY SHOW 180
Mark Cronin, producer, The Surreal Life
46. HOW TO PICK A MOVIE 184
Leonard Maltin, movie critic
47. HOW TO SURVIVE ARMY BOOT CAMP 187
Rod Powers, retired Air Force sergeant
48. HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT
TOUGH TOPICS 191
Ethan Zohn, Survivor contestant, creator, Grassroots
Soccer
49. HOW TO HANDLE BEING ARRESTED 195
Jack Bradley, attorney
50. HOW TO SURVIVE TIME IN PRISON 200
Edward Bales, chief psycholgoist, Federal Prison
Consultants
Acknowledgments 205
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Introduction
Finding out who moved your cheese won’t make you rich,
busting sugar won’t make you thin, and no set of rules will
possibly trick you into marrying an ugly woman. “They” aren’t
organized enough to keep the natural cures away from you and
if you need an owner’s manual for yourself, you have problems
that no book can possibly solve.
Just reading a book won’t help you lose weight, make
money, or become better looking any more than just buying a
weight bench will make you stronger. Like late-night infomer-
cials, most advice books promise things they can’t possibly de-
liver and fail in a spectacular fashion.
No one has written about an easy way to make money, lose
weight, or achieve endless happiness, for the simple reason that
these things aren’t easy. The secret way to achieve all of these
things is exactly the same, no matter what you’re wishing for:
Work hard and get a little bit lucky.
Our appetite for easy answers in book form has become so
great that people have become famous just by writing them.
The best way to achieve fame seems to be either creating a fad
diet that involves eating only one food or designing a philoso-
phy that makes no sense to anyone except Madonna.
With 50 Things Every Guy Should Know How to Do, we
wanted to create an advice book in which people who actually
know how to do stuff share information that you can really use.
You wouldn’t want Carrot Top to teach you how to perform
open-heart surgery, but the man knows how to make people