1001 Jokes - Richard Wiseman - WordPress.com PDF
Preview 1001 Jokes - Richard Wiseman - WordPress.com
1001 Jokes A few years ago Richard Wiseman went in search of the world's funniest joke. The results are described in his book, Quirkology. Here are the first 1001 clean jokes submitted into the database. Enjoy..... 37 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 38 What kind of pig can you ignore at a party? A wild bore. 39 What kind of murderer has fiber? A cereal killer. 44 A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the other. 45 Q: What's the difference between a shoping trolley and a University vice chancellor? A: You fill them both up with as much food and alcohol you can, but it's only the shopping trolley that has a mind of its own. 46 Q. How do you catch a polar bear? A. You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole. 47 Why do Marxists like fruit infusions? Because all proper tea is theft! 48 What was born to succeed? A budgie with a blunt beak. 49 Three budgies in a cage, one on the top perch, one on the middle and one on the bottom perch. Which Budgie owns the cage? The one on the bottom perch, the other two are on higher perches. 50 what do you call a fly with no wings? a walk. 51 What do you call a teacher with no arms, no legs, and no body? The Head... 52 Q: Why should you never iron a four leaf clover? A: You should never press your luck! 53 What's ET short for? Because he's got little legs. 54 An 8-‐year-‐old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." 55 Did you hear about the ice-‐cream man, he was found dead in his ice-‐cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-‐and-‐thousands? The police said that he had ?topped? himself. 56 What lies on the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. 57 Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. One clown says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" 58 A piece of straight, clean string goes into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The barman serves the drink, the string downs it and walks out. Ten minutes later a dirty, twisted, ragged piece of string walks into the bar. "Here -‐ are you that piece of string that was here ten minutes ago?" asks the barman -‐ "No" replies the string "I'm a frayed knot" 59 there are these two sausages sizzling in a frying pan. the one turns to the other and says "gees, it's hot in here" and the second one turns around and goes "AAAAH!, a talking sausage". 60 Q -‐ what did the grape say when the elephant trod on it? A -‐ Nothing, it just gave a little wine. 61 A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh playing the fruit machine. He calls over, "Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?" and Van Gogh replies, "No thanks. I've got one 'ere." 62 There were two cows in a field. One said "moo", the other one said "I was going to say that!" 64 What did the landlord say as he threw Shakespeare out of his pub? "You're Bard!" 65 A three legged dog walks into a Saloon in the Wild West, the barman asks him what he wants. The dog replies "I'm looking fo the man that shot my paw" 66 Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball. "That's two hits," says the other owl. "Two hits to who?" says the first. 67 An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's seen his missing electron. "Are you sure she's missing", asks the bartender. "I'm positive", replies the atom. (this is definitely a joke for science-‐minded people only) 68 Patient : "Doctor I keep hearing "The green, green grass of home" in my head. Doctor : "That's called the Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient : "Is it common ?" Doctor : "It's not unusual 69 Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. 70 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac ? He used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a Dog ! 71 What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonky 72 What?s brown and sticky? A stick 73 A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender says: "Why the long face?" 74 A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything." 75 A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says to the mushroom. "Hey we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says "why not I'm a fun guy" 76 What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? "Close the door! Can't you see I'm dressing?" 77 PATIENT..Doctor , people keep ignoring me. DOCTOR...Next please. 78 Q. What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? A. You can't wash your hands in a buffalo. 79 -‐ How long did Cain hate his brother? -‐ ? -‐ As long as he was able... 80 A grad student, a post-‐doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-‐doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch." 81 A penguin walks into a store and asks the teller, "Do you have any grapes?" "No." He replies. This same thing happens the next day. On the third day the teller replies," No, and if you come in asking for grapes again I will nail your flippers to the floor!" On the next the penguin walks in and asks," Got any nails? "No." Replies the teller. "Got any grapes!" The penguin asks! 82 "I got that job down the bowling alley", "What tenpin", "No it's permanent" 83 A man goes into the doctor with a penguin on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you?" and the penguin says "well doc, it started as this growth on my foot..." 84 A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this", and raises his arm. "Well, don't do it then", says the doctor. 86 Q: Did you hear about the Ice Cream Sales man that was found dead in his store covered in chocolate sauce and syrup? A: Police think he topped himself! 87 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 -‐ 1 to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools. 88 Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants. "I think I'll have a glass of blood." "Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire. "That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too." "And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire. "I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire. "Okay," said the bartender, "That's two bloods and a blood light, then." 89 A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says, "what would you like to drink?". The polar bear hangs his head and sighs deeply and then sayss "I'll have a pint of bitter barman". The barman looks at the bear and says "why the big paws?" 90 What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do? Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog. 91 A termite walks into a cocktail lounge, and asks a customer, "Is the bartender here?" 92 A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why, and the vet says "because he is far too heavy." 93 An Englishman, an Irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the barman asks," Is this a joke?" 94 A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen!" The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs!" 95 A group of Chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games. The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer. 96 A brain and a pair of jumpleads walks into a bar. The brain orders two pints from the barman but the barman refuses to serve him. When asked why, the barman replies " Well you're clearly out of your head, and your friend there looks as if he's about to start something" 97 The police arrested two men, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating fire crackers. They charged one and let the other one off. 98 A man went to a horse breeder and said, I want that horse. The breeder said that horse aint looking so good, but the man still wanted to buy it, so he did. The next day he came back with the horse and said, you sold me a blind horse, the breeder replied I told you that horse aint looking so good 99 Two hikers were walking through the woods when they noticed a bear charging towards them in the distance. The first hiker removed his trail boots and began to lace up his running shoes. The second hiker laughed and said, "Why bother changing out of your boots? You can't outrun a bear." The first hiker replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you." 100 Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes. 101 A man on a business trip is staying in a high-‐rise hotel with a bar on the top floor. After checking in and seeing his room, he decides to go upstairs. There's only one other patron in the bar. The businessman orders a drink and then watches in surprise as the other patron quickly eats an orange, chugs his beer, and jumps out the window. A minute later, the man returns. The businessman is shocked to see him again eat an orange, chug his beer and then jump out the window. When the man returns a third time, the businessman decides he can do this, too. He eats an orange, chugs his beer, then jumps out the window to his death. The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk." 102 How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to do it, and another to hold the fish. 103 As a funeral train passes by a golf course, a golfer on one of the greens stops, stands at attention with hat held over his heart as the hearse goes by. Then he goes back to lining up his putt. His playing partner remarks how that was the nicest gesture he'd ever seen, to show such respect for the dead. The first golfer sinks his putt and says, "Well, she was a good wife for sixteen years." 104 A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amahl." The other goes to a family in Spain and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responds, "But they are identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl. 105 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. 106 Man walking down the street meets a friend who has a lobster tucked under his arm. "Are you taking that lobster home to dinner?" he asks. "No," says friend, "he's had his dinner and now I'm taking him to the pictures". 107 A man is sat at home watching T.V. when he hears a knock at the door. The man gets up and answers the door, to his astonishment there is a snail at the door. The snail says "can i sell you some double glazing." To which the man replies "no" and kicks him down the street. Two weeks later there is another knock at the door. The man answers it and it is the snail again. The snail then say "what did you do that for then." 108 Patient: "Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains." Doctor: "Pull yourself together man." 109 Patient: Dr, Dr -‐ I can't get this song out of my head and it's driving me mad. I can't stop humming "It's Good to Touch the Green Green Grass of Home" Doctor: "Hmm, sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" Patient " Never heard of it" Doctor "Well it's not unusual ..." 110 Extra strong mint and Mars bar are having a drink in the pub. Extra strong mint says to Mars Bar, `I'm the hardest mint in town me! No-‐one's harder than me!'. With that, the bar doors swing open and in walks a Halls mint. Mars bar turns around and extra strong mint is quivering under the table. Mars bar says, `Hang on a minute, I thought you were the hardest mint in town?!'. Extra strong mint says, `I might be hard, but he's menthal!' 111 Q. Why do cows have bells A. Because there horns dont work 112 Three American Indian women in the wild west are about to give birth. One is lying on a buffalo skin; one is lying on a moose skin; and one is lying on a hippopotamus skin. The first woman gives birth to a boy. The second gives birth to a girl. And the third gives birth to a boy and a girl. And this proves . . . the squaw of the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides! 113 Guy walks into the doctor's with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says 'I can give you some cream for that'. 114 A man goes to a diner. On the menu it says, "Breakfast Served Anytime" so, when the waitress comes he orders French Toast during the Renaissance! 115 Q: What happens to Composers when they die. A: They decompose 116 2 atoms were talking, 1 atom said to the other "why are you crying?" the atom replied "I've lost an electron", the first atom said "are you sure?", "yes" replied the other "I'm positive!" 117 Two men jump out of a plane. One is holding a Budgerigar, the other is holding a Parrot and a shot-‐gun. As they fall away from the plane the man holding the budgie lets it go. A moment later the man with the Parrot lets go of his bird and takes a lame shot at it with the shotgun. They both hit the floor. In their dying moments, one turns to the other and says, "I don't think much of this Budgiejumping" The other dying man turns to him and replies, "No, i don't think much of this high altitude paratchuting!." 118 I drunk driver is stop for heading the wrong way on a one-‐way street. The police officer asked the driver didn't you see the arrows. The drink responds, "Arrows, I couldn't even see the Indians. 119 A man took his dog to the vet. "Sorry," said the vet, "but your dog is dead". Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinion-‐-‐ the vet brings in the practice cat. Cat sniffs around-‐-‐ no response from dog. Vet says "sorry, but your dog is dead". Man insists on a third opinion, so vet brings in the practice labrador. Practice dog sniffs around-‐-‐no response from man's dog. Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. On the way out, the receptionist gives him a bill for £1000. "Good grief,what is this for? "Well, said the receptionist, "it's £50 for the vet, £300 for the catscan and £600 for the lab report. 120 what game do you play with a wombat? answer -‐ wom 121 a man walks into a shop and says "i'd like to buy a wasp, please." the shopkeeper replies "i'm sorry, sir, we don't sell wasps." "but," says the man "you have one in the window." 122 A white horse walked into a pub and ordered a lager. The landlord put the drink on the bar and said 'We've got a whisky named after you'. The horse replied 'what, Eric?'. 123 While robbing a home, a burglar hears someone say, "Jesus is watching you." To his relief, he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something it had heard. The burglar asks the parrot, "What's your name?" The parrot says, "Moses." The burglar goes on to ask, "What kind of a person names their parrot Moses?" The parrot replies, "The same kind of person that names his Rottweiler Jesus." 124 How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb's got to want to change. 125 Where can you find a Mozambique. On a mozam-‐bird! 126 Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. 127 A man gets knocked down by a truck. A guy says to him are you comfortable. He says I make a living! 128 Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? Because if had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan. 129 Q. Where do you keep a baby ape? A. In an apricot. 130 What do you call a cow in a paddock with only two right legs... Lean Beef 131 Kid "Mummy! Mummy! There is a man with a bill at the door" Mother "Dont be silly dear, it must be a duck with a hat on!" 132 Q: What do you call a fly with no wings? A: A walk 133 A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors. "I'm done for", the man cries in despair. "No you are not," comes a booming voice from the heavens. "Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab the spear from the one who is beside you and shove it through the heart of the chief." The man does so, and the remainder of the band stare in disbelief. "Now, what?" the man asks the heavens. "Now, you are done for." 134 Two caterpillars were crawling along a leaf when a butterfly flew past overhead. One caterpillar turned to the other one and said: "You'll never get me up in one of those things !" 135 A man walks into a chip and asks for fish and chips twice please. The man behind the counter says "I heard you the first time" 136 I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what the hell was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots. 137 Why is a tractor magic? Because it can go down a road and turn into a field! 138 ?Sally, can you spell ?water? for me?? The teacher asked. H I J K L M N 0 answered Sally promptly Her teacher look puzzled. ?That doesn?t spell ?water.?? ?Sure it does,? said Sally. ?It?s all the letters from H to O.? 139 A man walks into a bar and notices two pieces of beef nailed to the ceiling. He asks the barman why they're there. "It's a competition. If you can climb up there and get those bits of meat down you'll get free drinks all night. But if you try and fail then you'll have to buy a round for everyone in the pub. Do you fancy having a go?" The man has a long, hard look at the ceiling before saying, "No, I'll just have a pint thanks. The steaks are too high." 140 Close your eyes. Dark isn't it? 141 Why did Ludwig v. Beethoven kill his two ducks? -‐ They wouldn't stop saying "Bach bach" all the time.. 142 What is green and if it were to fall from a tree would kill you? A snooker table 143 why don't polar bears eat penguines? because they can't get the wrappers off... 144 A skeleton walks into a pub and says, "Pint of bitter and a mop." 152 Doctor, Doctor, I can?t pronounce my F?s, T?s and H?s.? ?Well you can?t say fairer than that then? 154 What did the bird say as it flew over ASDA? "Cheap Cheap" 155 For a laugh three french soldiers put mustard in their ears from then on they are called the three mustardears!!! 156 A blonde girl's husband buys her a mobile phone. She takes it out and he decides to test it out. He phones her and she answers it. "It's very good," she says, "but how did you know I was at the hairdressers?" 157 A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. Then he hears little voices saying things like 'Oooh, you look really nice' and 'That haircut really suits you'. He tells the barman about it who says 'Just ignore it, it's the peanuts, they're complimentary'. 195 AN ardvark walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face. 196 a worried man goes to see his priest. "Father, I am worried. I think that my wife is trying to poison me." Said the priest: "Hold on my son, let me talk to your wife and come back to see me tomorrow, then I shall be able to give you some advice." The following day the man aging comed to his priest who tells him: "Well my son, I have talked to your wife for nearly two hours. My advise to you is :Take the poison" 197 Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? A. Because it was holding on to the first koala. Q. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? A. Because he thought it was a game. Q. Why did the little boy fall off his bike? A. Because he was hit by three koalas. 198 A horse walks into a bar, the bartender turns & asks the horse whats with the long face.
Description:The list of books you might like
