100 Bullshit Jobs ...And How to Get Them

313 Pages·2006·1.466 MB·English

by  Stanley Bing

100
Bullshit Jobs
. . .And How to Get Them
STANLEY BING
author of Sun Fru M:* a Stsiy
About the Author

STANLEY BING has been reporting on corporate life since his
own first bullshit job back in 1982, which isn’t that different
than the bullshit job he has now, only back then it was
smaller. He is now an ultra-senior executive in a gigantic
corporation whose identity is one of the worst-kept secrets in
business, which is a joke he’s been using for the last 10
years because he has always believed that if a specific piece
of bullshit is effective, it’s often smart to stay with it.
Beginning back at Esquire magazine in 1984, Bing moved
to Fortune in 1995, and now occupies the back page of that
no-bullshit publication. He is the author of three books for
Collins, including the best-selling What Would Machiavelli
Do? as well as Throwing the Elephant and most recently,
Sun Tzu Was a Sissy. In addition, he has written two novels,
Lloyd: What Happened and You Look Nice Today, which
have been going through years of bullshit development in
Hollywood.
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100
Bullshit Jobs
. . . And How to Get Them
Stanley Bing
[iii ]
Dedication
To my dad, a college professor and a
very learned man, who carried in his wallet a
business card that he would present only to those
who offered theirs. In the middle of the card was his name
in fine, raised type.And underneath, where the personal
information should have been, was the simple statement:
“ I’m something of a bullshit artist myself.”

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.
—ARISTOTLE
Contents
Epigraph
Serious Introductory Bullshit 1
(cid:1):
Calculating The Bullshit Quotient
of Your Job 17
100 Bullshit Jobs . . . and How to Get Them
1 Advertising Executive 22
2 Agent 26
3 Allergist 28
4 Anything Emeritus 30
5 Aquarium Cleaner for the Rich 32
6 Aromatherapist 34
7 Ayurvedic Healer 37
8 Backup Dancer 40
9 Barista 43
10 Being a Brand 45
11 Being Donald Trump 47
12 Best- selling Author 49
13 Blogger 51
14 Book Editor 54
15 Boulevardier 57
[ vii ]
16 Business Book Author 59
17 Cable News Demagogue 61
18 Celebrity Stylist/Aesthetic Consultant 65
19 Celebutante 67
20 Certified Massage Therapist 69
21 Chairman 71
22 Cheese Artisan 73
23 Closet Organizer 75
24 Cold Caller 77
25 Computer Game Tester 80
26 Construction Site Flag Waver 82
27 Consultant 84
28 Contractor 88
29 Corporate Yes-M an 92
30 Critic 96
31 Crumber 99
32 Customer Service Representative,
Canned Food Company 101
33 Diet Doctor 104
34 Dolphin Trainer 106
35 Economist 108
36 “Escort” 111
37 Executive Vice President, New Media 113
38 Expert Witness 117
39 Feng Shui Consultant 120
40 Food Critic 123
41 Funeral Director 126
[ viii ]
42 Game Show Host 129
43 Greeter/Cuer 132
44 Guru 135
45 Handler 138
46 Handwriting Analyst 141
47 Headhunter 144
48 HMO Health Care Professional 147
49 Human Billboard 151
50 Industrial Psychologist 153
51 Infomercial Spokesperson/
Celebrity Pitchman 155
52 Insurance Broker 158
53 Investment Banker 162
54 Lawyer 164
55 Life Coach 167
56 Mail Order/Online Minister 169
57 Marriage Counselor 171
58 McKinsey Hit Man 173
59 Media Trainer 175
60 Meteorologist on TV 178
61 Mogul 181
62 Mogul/Rock Star/Celebrity’s Ex 184
63 Motivational Speaker 186
64 Palm Reader/Psychic/Astrologer/
Tarot Reader, Etc. 189
65 Patent Troll 192
66 Performance Artist 195
[ ix ]
67 Perfume Schpritzer 197
68 Personal Publicist 199
69 Personal Trainer 202
70 Pet Psychic 205
71 Poet 209
72 Poker Teacher 214
73 Political Reverend 218
74 Politician 221
75 Pollster/Market Researcher 225
76 Pop Tart 228
77 Posse Dude 231
78 Postmodern Artist 235
79 Quantum Physicist/String Theorist 239
80 Raw Chef 243
81 Realtor 247
82 Right-Wing Radio Talk Show Host 249
83 Ringmaster 251
84 Roadkill Collector 255
85 Rock Star 257
86 Rogue Journalist 260
87 Royalty/Heir 263
88 Spin Doctor 265
89 Sports Bloviator 267
90 Talking Head/Pundit 270
91 The Guy Who Says Your Car Will Be
Ready by Noon 272
92 University Administrator 274
[ x ]