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L6^y,j£>l Page12-TheToikeOike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005 V home search global socialposse uninvite FUQ logout WelcomeLizzie! quickiesearch go | | Welcome Lizzie MMyyGPrroofuipleies[edit] [ ] MyFriends MyMessages MMyyACrwiamyinalRecord GroupExlusion MMyyAPrcicvoautnest Youhavebeenostracizedfromagroup. dickheretoconfirm Sponsor GreatSavings! VisitOurSponsors Viewmyprofile Youareconnectedto49 Viewmybaggage betterlookinggirlsthroughe [browsethem] HEY STUDEHTS. Visualizemenaked Youareconnectedto68people Searchforpeople throughcommonSTDs. [browsethem] NEB)CASHFAST? Browsemyissues byHerbertGutenstein [stabback'] [ medicatestab] BirthdayReminders JohnnyRontonhasabirthdayonJanuary13th. JeffSaundershasabirthdayonJanuary18th. TheNextBase Nowyoucanjoinorcreategroupstolinkupwithfriendsinanewandexcitingway. Information AccountInfo: Name: LizzieBordenson MemberSince: April20,2004 LastUpdate: January07,2005,1minuteago BasicInfo: Email: [email protected] Status: Student Sex: Hoe Year: 2007 Disorder: Arson Birthday: 06/09/80 HighSchool: ZanzibarHigh ExtendedInfo: Screenname: L.Bo RelationshipStatus: InadeadendRelationshipwithRockyMcStoneyRock Cheatingwith: EdburtCrinkennous Viewmybaggage PIonltietriecsaltsV:iews: FNoaumrinleggsallgotohedatnwtosliengmsybaaanatafdarm Visualizemenaked MyAccountPreferences Cultsandgangs: TheSkyisFalling-There'sratpoisoninthepunchbowl,Timetoparty-Hell'sLawyers• Buddha69-GrecoRomanMafia-MalnourashedBoys-CryptKeepas-BloodsDonors- HakunaBoys-TheCrazy88s Thisisyou. FavouritePosition: KamaSutra#89 WeaponofChoice: Ninjastars-Ninjaswords-Anythingninjarelated. Leixztzriaeteirsrecsutrrrieanltllyoclatoigogne.donfroman AboutMe: That’sformetoknowandyoutofindout,unlessmyguardsareinclinedtostopyou. Lizziehasfriendsat: Groups t ) UBC(3) Queen's(18) NewfiesUnite(UofTChapter)-HitlerYouth-Hitchcock'sCoalitionforStabbingBlondes-Queen'sParkRedHat BBMNircrpoMoicawskssnit(n(e3g2)r)((37)) WWYRoaeyrtsekertrse(lor1onn)o((5(4)1)6) 'AaBGlsnaasdiorrcg'tisohayCetlrieOoonsnhlsay-sWSPetyrihrelesidcnenrgreiesrptvS-iewoKantipodIpssseawMryhsOotRChlEdeuoTbnCo'O-tiWk1TeBiSpEctoeL-apLliKeeC(dyuasTtneohdrreyomSn'oftzrcoeol'mCushbBTaa-upbrtMikerei.rss)hK-o-MbRiHaalosyipetauasbnthatiigsns'-issaDaRrn.aoFbSnobexylume-sosoAurfFsnRao-nalvdTCeOlfnIouorKbuEP-srIOeRVIsaeiKddEgieconat-tlTash-FeeLvienrd,a Lizzie'sWall Iknowwhatyoudidtomycaryouunmitigatedbastard. Whilemymotherdidnot acphporiecceioaftetoiitleitnptahpeelreapslty,;Iyhoauvceerttoaiandlmyitd,idtnh'attswkiamspsoonmequanliictey.woArnkymwaanys,hiIpk.noCwreyaotui'vree probablypissedatmeforsomereason,thusthecutelittleprank,butweshouldtotallydo lunch! HeyBitchcakes,feelfreetocallmybackanytimeregardingthemoneyyouneedtopayme backforraisingyoufor18years,thanks,LoveMom Here'sthething,ifyoucallmeonemoretimeregardingyourChlamydiatest.I'mcalling thepolice. It'snotourfaultyoupickedthatshitup,sodealwithitoratleastfillthe prescriptionwegaveyou.-SamsonMedicalClinic http://toike.skule.ca Wbhoaotg'esr?upThya'tallw?aIstwotiaclkleydknhielwariyoouus.inWghraatdehascvheooylo.uRbeemeenmubpertowshiencneIthmeand?eAynoyubeoaotgaer- eatinglately? Causeifyou'restillintothatI'vestartedanorganization,Booger-Eaters Anonymous. WemeeteveryThursday,youshouldreallycheckitout. It'sall you need Imaginaryfriends(30)A [ edit] Exes(6) [ edit ] on the web. * BSI'JRd ChristmasJones TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page11 CLASSIFIEDS /iPPEEpff/ /+'$ Hi^wrrAE -Cor qrtgfllf-J-ri0 o-f fQfref/V^l3 MERCHWANTED CONNECTIONS BUCKSneededtoblow.Rudolph. Rememberthetimeweranintoeach otheratthedrycleanersandendedup SHOVELneededtorobgraves. Dead having coffee like old schoolchums? girlscan’tsayno.Stefano,555-3094. You were on something weren'tyou, mom? Furburgerwithasideofthigh.Callthe Gino-Fonz555-7982. Amanda. I know we often misunderstoodeachother,butforthe FREETIBET.WithpurchaseofTibetof most part weunderstood eachother equalorlesservalue.-Limit2Tibetsper perfectly. Please stop wearing my customer. underwearonyourheadwhenwe‘rein public.It’sjustplainwrong,there’sshit MERCH FORSALE streaksinthem. BIRTHS “I BLEW SHATNER” hoodies. Dean, 555-3498. Jon Whitcomb gave birth last IMAC LAPTOP. Remember, when Wednesday evening at 7:30pm to a you're not buying from Appleyou’re beautiful baby poo named Bethany. buyingfromcapitalistpig-dogs.Steph, Bethanyhas7,300proudbigbrothers 555-0893- andsisters! HELPWANTED DEATHS SOMEONE needed to blow me. BethanyWhitcombdrownedtragically Bill Shatner, please call 555-2399. moments after birth. Her remains werescatteredinLakeOntario. k/atttto Ptfa.ce, on Ad? (jormmmF a> lEanb of (Opposites International Project Management by Stuart flats taKE the NEXT level HEYLITTLE GIRL! I DON'T WANT Take your degree to a to have sex with you. whole new level of success. Learnlomanageinternationaldevelopmentprojectsoverseas. InternationalProjectManagementistheonly postgraduateprograminCanadathatshowsyou HELP WE, howyourdegreecanchangetheworld. DAW!!! Call416-675-6622,ext.3032oremail [email protected]. ApplyforallBusinessSchoolprogramsatthe / OCASwebsite-mvw.ontariocoHeges.ca Seatingis Limited! HUMBER TheBusinessSchool Can’tgetenough “AlmostEvil”? Checkouthttp://toike.skule.caforournew In the Cand of Opposite*.... “AlmostEvilArchive”featuringadditional Sexual offenders are still creepy. stripsandinformationabouttheauthor. SIsd[tnnaeTAaknthTkeheefAear,uNBfbie:oitc.trgoeminonvouifntnaiocnlfeegdtfhtBe-EChfv]aoenrbdietddo- JTslw[elhao6faets0hve0nfahriynarsB.snyitCdm]kVpKnlonfeoonorrwSwtlnwniahmivietnpe.ovp:euinsntego;rhioisft Tphtk[DtDiineahYoootooneenincnpdaoakl.ln-lr,etwoethafshooTwefsse]hei.JrBotwkoahuahnpkgstnohnhitiw*oshstnwethun:nefnoticnorBcso-atonrpbmttivlirgpeesuhsentets--, TCCll[eeraa1ffputp4tte-t0haha0itaooinonAkndh.hDiaL]asdenfndaatmhhheoaosdooakkka:eom,nethahines alhtOiBB[ehennon1ofegrodtl6oybyt9t.bwpioh2iarepewToseaAhnfrlSDiefotOawssisoJ’ltesarCgeilnchrlhomceeeynedhraaWs.bttlitolrutnyirsbcgutnaehhatfetct:fTdouehrsmciadateunlaersdasd-, eqhbpl[RIiiuaannoo2osrirgnx0tcgcteimehkh0kbnnaelot0gytlyrwsuecnifArnLt,hwtafeDohnowfwh]Rokrirtahsuoktten,etchuedrnknd.sbaayoyhthhnerieaibisH:rswageerhcaaitwctusvfiianeildnbnydniegaeamnltaobutlhut.nypireosanftmtlhHobebhlipeetyeys-- FAMOUS LEFTIES THROUGH HISTORY RightlegCharlie. Page8-TheToikeOike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005 NEWS Your Crappy New BRIEFS Year’s Resolution ByRustySt.Claire CAUCASIANSTUDENTRECEIVES 'A'INORDINARYDIFFERENTIAL EQUATIONS TORONTO(Skule)-Thedepartment ofmathematicshada-whattheylike todescribe as - “bitofaChristmas miracle” “It’sbeenover50yearssincewe’vebeen abletogiveoutan’A’toaCanadian smteundte,ntM,i"cshaaiedlchNaeiirlsoofn,thyeemstaetrhdadye.paArft-- Your suds away from itenrg5t1opyeaawrasrdosf,altlhfeordeeipganrsttmuednetnthsatdaka- “IE’vllewroyrsktumdeynta’sssfoafvfoaunridtedorebseotltuetrinonexits yTohiusrislhazoyw-aysosuahraebigtosinagntdodeaacltuwailtlhy Suds since 9T6 bomandbredCanadiangettinganA. semester”. AndI’mnottalkingabout keepthatNewYear’sresolution:First, “Sure,it’snotanA+,butit’sbeensuch thatjerkwho’sgot90scomingoutof don’ttake showers. You will lose a alongtimesinceanyoneeducatedin hisass,andthinksgettingan80is lot offriends and people will stop Canadianschoolshasbeenabletoeven worsethanlosinghiscalculator. I’m approaching you. Many engineers scoreabove80% talkingaboutyou,withtheborderline practicethis,andwell,theresultsare 60.01average,hangingonbyathread. prettygood. Next,seethatboxthat MirandaJohnsonwastheonetobreak Ya,that’srightYOU,readingtheToike containsMSNMessenger?Pickitup thefamine. BornandraisedinSaska- insteadofstudying. andthrowitoutawindow.Justbe- toon,byparentswhowerebomand causevirtualfriendscannotsmellthe raisedinWinnipeg,Johnson will re- Youthinkyou’regonnadoprettygood newyou,stilldoesnotmeanthatyou ceivetheannualMVPawardformath. this term, don’t you? You've actu- areallowedtohavethem. Yes,the She attributes hersuccess to “hours allymadeittoallyourclassessofar, boxhasvaluableprogramslikeWord' andhoursofstudying”butalsofeltthat haven’tyou?You’vestillgotthathigh andtheInternet,butgotoschoolto shewasheldbackfromanA+byTA’s fromwhentheclockstucktwelveand doyourdamnassignments (bythe thathavealowcommandoftheEng- youfeltthatitwasgoingtobethebest way,ifyouseeaschoolcomputerwith 229 College Street lishlanguage. “MaybeonedayI can yearever. I’vegotsomenewsforyou: Messengeronit,destroyit,everyone becomeaTA.ThenIcanhelpotherna- •oldhabitsdiehard,procrastination willthankyouandyouwon’tgetin www.ein-stein.ca tHievreEpnagrleinsthswseperaekbeortshsvuecrcyeepdroiundm.ath." idsruagcstuaanlldyalacnohoald,diycotuiowni,llsfaalmleaswlietehp trouble). 41 5/59*STEIN inmanyofyourclasses,textbooks Soonyouwillhave nodistractions, PEYNOITUENNFGTOIRCAOIRUNYPAVLIECESOWNLNDOOOOTKIWNHGAT ydwsaortoheuowermsnntaiplcttllhhhageacnototsionnfitigtlreoestnttotdsbbp.ooaewrblbtoeyratitlcenoorgnmgaewswsiilhletalhrld,oyruaoannuiddnr, ywgerieatarhtepgvlreeran!dteys!ofAtnidmeittWoIdoLLwobrektahnedbegsett SBEPEORCRTO•SMWE•IDNJGYUSK•E•OBPBOOIXOL•••OSJPPAIEVRNAIT•MSINKTEN FREE WIRELESS INTERNET KINGSTON(Toike)-“Theyweresay- ComicGenius ingthattheircondosweretwobedroom BySeanHockin atonly$100,000andthat’sadeal. It scuosunHdoeldditnogo,ghoaolfdotfotbheetnrueew,l"ysmaiadrrMiaerd- MONKEY? VI EIRE Stories of Home MarcusandMaryHolding. — (that’sChina.Myhome’sChina) Itwas.Whentheyarrivedatthecondo Whilehung-overtheSaturdayaftermylastexam,I,spentthemorningdraped office,theyrealizedthatitwasbuilton acrossmycouch,watchingcartoonsinasemi-conscioushaze.Inaparticularly Weallrememberourparentstucking heart,somethingterriblewillhappen theparkinglotofthelocalmediumse- randomefforttobefunny,onecartoonfeaturedamonkeythatwasonfire.This usinatnightandtellingusabedtime toyou.” curitypenitentiary. “Youcouldseethe ispurecomicgenius,inmyopinion,combiningtwowonderfullyhumorousele- storybeforewefinallygotosleep.And inmatesexercising.Wewantedtohave ments:somethingonfireandmonkeys.Butwhichoftheseelementsisthemost ifyou’relikeme,youprobablypointed The fisherman was really impressed kidsandthat’snotthethingthatyou amusing?Idecidedtocomparethemandfindout. outwhatwaswrongwiththewaythey with her beauty and the fact that wantthemseeingeveryday.” tolditandcontinuedthestoryyourself shehadononlyasmallpieceofsilk, “tToheparsesalu-pe,s”tasteaywsaLsetoonoargdooHdaomfmaonbduy, MONKEY?DAMAGE-CAUSING EIRE 1 wuneteikl.THEYfell asleep.Thiswaslast wtahnreyatpmhpiiednddgltetoiogbhfetwliiyrnttaieprruo.rueHnsdeohhheaesrsanbioodtd“yd,Moenhien. thesite’smanager. “Apparentlypeople Mymomwouldalwaystellofstories Whynot?”Hewas33anditwasabout aren’t visiting their convicted rela- Throwingobjectsandfeces Burningeverythinginitspath from China about stupid people or timehegotsome.Hewasn'ttrulyready tsiuvbewsayli’ksestohecylousseetdhatto.evTehnati,fathnedytdhoe, HUMOURADVANTAGE:MON ptoeosphlaerewohnoedoefstehrevmedwitothdiyeo.u.Idecided fleoarstthsahteldeivdenl’tomfenctoimomnitamneyncth,ildbruetn.at it’sjust-zip-onthesubway." Heper- essoxhnpoarulellsdyssemdpeettahkweiifrtohrcottnhhceeemrHsnoesll.vdeis“n,Tg”hsehaesprtsihacyeesys. MONKEMYO?DEOFTRANSPORTATIONEIRE Tshhpaeetnertdemwsqoaussitroroenflcseh.iasLullicofkneieallyyloffnoiershbheeircmmaauCns.heiHhneea Tbtrehiaepuytsiofruselhteumraansiekddeedntfoworahsissotmhleiitrtwslatetyehfrur.to.WmhTtehhnee “Youcouldn’tleaseawetdogkennelfor wasfacingasortofsquirrelshortageat hebroughtbackthebucketofwater, thismuch." Swingingfromtreetotree Burningeverythinginitspath thattimesohewasfreetogooutdoors the maiden was no longer there. In again. Hedecided todropbythe lo- herplacewasafearfulmonsterwith UCSTUDENTFINDSGOD cbaalllsm.arHkeetwafsorgsooinmgetcorambaskaenhdistafpaivoocua- shhaadrplofnagngbslaacnkdhgaliorwianngdrsekdineyeass.pSahlee TwclaOasRsshOraNopTohmaOzwa(hrTdeolniykeht)ery-aicncBgiadtroernfytianTldlhyhrinfsroinugenhwdt rcOihnteeetfwhleiatvwhouasryoeydhmboiumlbkeb.lhHeeetescaoa:uwlcdrana’bbtsewaaauinttid.fully- aMwsionnadkgoehwyo.sstT’shsteaayrntwdeedwrfaelsyailfnslgooaiotnnintfghirrieo.numgihdatihre. Gwdoaoordrdowinnalssytehtaiods.fnineTdwhiGcnolkadissns,gphreatwholepeedjnaoennditttohhrees mHOnaelihydaedtnhnosestverearinndseetdehnebyapatriehnaeltsiminadgeisodhfeitnshbefearftoohareder.. “stYahoiaudtltyiheoedurmtoohnmeseat,re”trswaaiatedsthphiuemr.meo.T”nhsAteenfrdl.a“wmYiiotnuhg fcbtlheroilooeprovsimisnsailorlnaanouadvcneodrusasohglitgaseyulgecmhphtoheesoptrns.ew.iwAtamhisdksaettcmhitunhpie haottahdterhleetfhtmihniagtms..nSigohmtetainmdesdrheeawmo..ul.damloonogk tGmthhaoeoynukfmgeiohryenstkhseeetyrnhesse’,ens.tndhoNeatopthtaiirsn.ttgehdew.rgo“anFyglasweminitsnheg.t"hAailtn.- Heofferedthemaidenaridehome. TTdvrfbB.bououeaVlririgr.lcnsanrysertigyhini“hgoqneoJeuhqdwuuriutstseeitht?rawiilce”nsanyaddGls,sclhofhioy“utudnsmWcatgtpkhkretioieearhnpnnistelgcutiadoratwelohbiedtoeathrlihco.aanhksentuaelghdlbhebrutmeaorte.lreor"iesmgspGiiyaoeoonooncutdnudgs- MONKEY? EDIBILITY EIRE TSfOLeoahnrdeleytyd.hsitabIsithu’detstjhptsueouusfrtfhfeiaeisrormhefiedd“ehr.gemMraaWaernanattlyrkcceamoshnenposnotmenrequdhuleateydhvneetcn“ae.Ykos”ofe.,- Tsshbrseehehooraeaem.wrdekimcsStnthahihoeelim’sowdletosflehskoneisrtehsnmpmleagl'uoiollrvtrlloeoeheressdeaotltmfootantohntneehhltdfaeaayorlmttclsfotisalielashdnlvnhe.eadelnwnroSoiymvhtlnweelehnamowyoosaui.ntrngitlledhhyl Themaidenthenwalkedtowardshim Allthatisleftinthelonelyhutofthe JESATLUODUESNOTFNTEHWESTPOAIPKEEROIISKE Sifuyroe,uywoeurecohuulndgerHaytUeanMmooOungUkhReyADVANTAGEN:otsomuch “aYnodugmoutsitnhtiaskecarmte.toyourplace,"she famiansidhdeearndmsoa.zneinsasopiilleedofpasqiunitrirneglscoafrcnaaskseeds Youknowwhoyouare. Soitseemsthatfireandmonkeysareequallyamusing,butbecomeevenfunnier thoalpdphyima.nd“Iwweillwiklleesppyeonudhmeaanltyhyyeaanrds -MeiLingChen whencombined.Allthemorepowertotheflamingmonkeys. together. Butifyou are notpureof TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page9 CLUBBING WithTommyB. It’sWednesdaynight;you’resittingin very likely completely cut off your yourroomwatchingillicitvideos,an- chancesforsex.Herearesomeopening ticipatingthatincriminatingknockon linesthatyoucanuse: thedoor.Youthinktoyourself:“Surely tMlehateyrmebe’esgaieftbIaejttutisestrsguwoeatfyiorfsttfo.”msWypeelflnat,d,fmloalyzlyotwiasmmse.e!.. --lIiOst-tiltRe-csoGll-udtE?i-nE.herUeT,-obroyarse,ywoeujluiskteaohrogrene!y aningdhtI’allndtewaaclhkytoouwahrodwstthoeblrigehatt!hCeotmhee m -YTEhAeAAlAib.raWrOyOc-alHlAedA:!!thYeEyAwHaHn!t!their on,let’sgoclubbing! booksback.*clickclick* Whenyoureadtheword“clubbing”you l -gWraeanttcsooumpeonoframtye.b*ownidnsk?*I’llgiveyoua FLACCID probablythoughtIwastalkingabout time. Luckily, I’vecreatedsomekey seals. There’s no need to worry, be- movesofmyownthatcanbematched Ifyoureceiveanunfavourablereply,do causethetermalsomeansattendinga tomusicbysomeonewithminimalex- notbediscouraged:itisnotyourfault placecalleda“nightclub,”wheremusic perienceorintelligence: andcertainlynotmine.Simplyrepeat isplayedatunnecessarilyloudinten- theprocesstoeveryotherhotwoman Join t ilt* party. It's not hard. ysiotuiers.WeIdfntehsedrae’ys,aIbheatvteenr'twhaeyartodsofpeitn.d CItl’searenaltlhyenoGtlaasssdeisfficultasitsounds. uknntoiwlleyodugredowpietnhiangfavlionuerahbalserbeeseponnsaec.- Allyouhavetodoistakethebottom Itrustyoucanhandletherest. Beforeenteringtheclub,youarelikely ofyourshirt,makeasmallfold,and **AU ACCESS Pre ma ireThursdays • • tcoombpeuatpeprrosaaclheesdmabnyacavlelreydiant“ibmoiudnacteirn.g" hraubvethtoeemnodvsefyooruarwlheiglse.orYoanuydtohni’ntg!even Hesotwed?doPhyroausesknliokwe“iffuschke’osff,nodtipsihnitte,r”- ** 2 dollar drinkson Floppy Fridays * 1 Don’tletthehigh-pressuresalestactics or“whatisyourproblem,youpervert?" •’ Value Added NRG SaTurDays ' wfiololllyaoteurriengtroetm.akingapurchaseyou ATlhleyoSupihtavetodoforthismoveisspit acraengarlesaotchoinmtes.inRehaadndiyn.gGbeotdtyinlgankgiucakgeed somewhere.Theguyyouspitonwillbe inthegenitalsorreceivingfreehappy Nowthatyou’vearrivedinsidetheclub, reallypissedatyouandbeatinghimup juiceinyourfacearenotsignsofcourt- FeaturingTDO,1 s TURNTABLEDj yIocuallne“ehdaptpoyijnugiecset.”anJuesntewraglykdruipnktotthhaet willscorelotsofpointswiththeladies. srheiapl.lyTwhaenret.edNtoowdoison’ntWtehadtnewshdaaty,yoinu- DJ. LilBido barandordersomethingcalled“vodka Nowyou’rereadytostarthittingonhot steadoffornicatinginfrontofacom- straight.”Regardlessofwhatyoumay women.Beforeyouevenstartthispart puterscreen?Ithoughtso. thinkofballet,dancingataclubisn’t ofyournight,youneedtomakesure "Dude...eh...bro,this somethingthatcanbedonebyanybum thatyourhappyjuicelevelisatfullca- clubissick...bro" youseeonYongeStreet.Thisactually pacity.Onceyouaresure,youshould -somegiro etxakpeesctyeedartsoocfhaprnagcetiycoeurbercoauutsieneysoeuvearrey btreigciknyabceocnavuesresaatiomni.stTahkieshpearretiwsovuelrdy ".I dry ights 01 I 0.85AM Top 10 Places To Go Clubbing 99HotCarlStreet;nocoverbefore9 Entranceor vintherear 10. The Metro Toronto Zoo Seriously... 9. Petsmart ortadhiearteneitwlsipkaepmeorsonobneacmasmpouutsosfitmhpeliyr 8. Queen’s Park assholes. Shit,I’vealreadysuccumbed tohumour-articletacticsofswearing The Arctic andalludingtotheanus. (Ihopethat 7. usingthescientifictermdirectlyafter wardsasIhavedonewillrepairthefor 6. Your Local Fish Pond merslip-up). Imustconcentrateifthis isgoingtowork. 5. The National Seal Museum Now,whatserioustopictochoose?Ah Oalfl)loatfe,thseevneerwaslp(aapnedrsbyonsecvearmapluIsmheaavne yOelsd,ntehewsdebpyarntouwreofofcoBurosbe,Bbiurtgeiisnenaout 4. Lake Ontario engagedinwhatmightbecalled“joke oldnewsacampuspaper’sbestfriend? issues." WhileIdonotpretendthat IfI were myformer comedy-writing 3. NorthYork Senior’s Home ourlittleraghasthemarketcornered self,IwouldpokefunatBobandthe onnewfsupnanpienresss,whiotspeerjtoubrbistmisetothrateptohret bsiezeamreredptloasgtrearzeed-hoinsglriipns.whHiocwheavlewra,ysI 2. DuckConservatory factual campus happenings seem to mustremainsteadfasttothefactsat takethatjoblightly,despitetheinflated hand,howeverboringtheymaybe,if Marine Land budgetswhichtheyreceiveonaweekly Iwanttoemulatethewaymostcam- 1. basistoproducesuch“news."Instead pusnewspapersoperate. Sowhatifhe ofreportingontheusualtopics, (i.e. wenttoCaliforniatoscoremoredough, whatever S.A.C. scandal happens to abandoningourlittleTorontohamlet comedownthepike),campusnewspa- forroller-bladingdownthesteephills persseemtobeheadingtowardsthat ofnearby‘Frisco? wthheic“hspotohfe’.Toikeholdsnearanddear, Havingsufficientlylostthe attention Human Resources Management ofmyreadershalfwaythroughmyat- TO Tothislowlycomedywriter,itwould temptataseriousarticle,Ihavetruly tTAakK'£F T seemthatacampusnewspaperought gonethewayofwhatmostnewspapers th1 e mfxt LEVEL tomakeupitsmindaboutwhattype oncampusgenerallyachieve. Ibetter ofpaperitwantstobe. “Whyareyou includeapicturewithaclevercaption beingsuchahumbug!?”onemightin- justliketheydo,sinceI’mfairlycertain Take your degree to a quireatthispoint.“Well,"Imightreply thatistheonlythingthatpeoplegraze whole new level of success. wpiatpherhsypaosthheatviecablefeenrvodre,s“cirfisbuecdhanbeowvse- oMvaeyrbeinit’stjhuosstemeotahenrdmpyappeernschaannytwafyor. Akfntoewrlejudsgtet,wsokilslesmeasntdermsa,nyaoug’ellmebnetabtloeoltsotaoppalnyyyhouumran arewillingtoforgotheprintingofac- articlesthatgettothepoint? Toend resourcesdepartment. tualstudenteventssothatsomewriter onaseriousnote,seeingasendingon Humbercanprepareyouforprofessionaldesignation/ couldscratchhisitchforwritingsilly afunnynoteseemstobeallthatother accreditationbytheHumanResourcesProfessionals articles,thenIseenoreasonformenot paperscancomeupwithandIfeellike AssociationofOntario(HRPAO). towriteaseriousarticleandencroach beingoriginal:,ifyou’regoingtopaste [email protected] ouuprosn.”theirterritoryastheyhaveupon JyuoosuehrnyeKodeuirrtriynsgcoipnsrstooocresosusmr,ocrbaeemcpacuuassr,eefuaItlltlyheianisknt fStohreefOauCrttAhSeirwinenbfgosrimteait-isownw.wL.AoipnptmlayrifiootreoealllIdeBg!uessi.nceassSchoolprogramsat wWeecdroena'ttefIot.llowtheflow, Thatbeingsaid,Imustlooktowards you snipped offa bit ofhis hair-do. the unnamed campus newspapers to Ohyes,andmyapparentbitterness?I o which I refer forwriting inspiration, guessthisarticledoeshaveajokeinit HUMBER since “serious hard-hitting articles” afterall. arenotusuallymyareaofexpertise. I TheBusinessSchool mayneedhelpformulatingjournalistic -AnnieUnnold www.buslness.humberc.on.ca integrity,sinceIamcertainthatthe Page6-TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005 ktsM in Time Per (Olds ( Inhonourofthebackwardsnewspaper om blondesInvolved in a threesome. mendingrippedclothesintheprocess. (incase,youdidn'tnotice,itopensleft- Heapproachedthecouchandsatdown Theboyturnedoffthetelevisionand to-right instead ofthe conventional infronttogetabetterview. walkedtowardhisapartmentdoor. He right-to-left,butyoudidn'tneedmeto stoodandstaredatitforseveralmin- T T 0 0 L H D C 0 C K S U C K E R F pointthatoneout,didyou?),Idecided Takinghisgadgetinhisrighthand,he utes. TuNCARG IMuCEIA DIscKWA EEIIRDS 0SSEEIY AMSFWTT PRKSICO AI0AIYC UTND0S0J UBALGCI LEHGNLA IWFAL0E MERBT0G ETRIRAA HERRENY LLAEDI0 BLTEKCU ADKHEUC faotTtoioiflcomawloneron’uiwfosntiufienAsvgrteea,rirdnsmopieiawartn,rtysiiapscdssiletierrsu.teecd.edv.reelinbirbtbav.esycisenkdIgMwatsaaonbrrnpeadte-tcsirhc!cneo!eeu!pAyn-metTilhisoed’f wgltyoaavswqeeuaniitvtliaettrtfolegewrwwoaevrciiekorf,lduelhnfletoyrnsaoimhltnaelko,hewivbwsese.iedrhtcyAtahahnsuedfsth.aehuemetIiefTlnwishisnauiaiarssllr-- ggwaSciruhrrydeoldans’etssntfhliuetyrmhs,bwtelagtelshfdaaecngiecdrn.e.oe,eoTtrbSheuudsetrwpwbburyaoinyssagiasnvopogipolpcyenei,aoncurashaelednsmdlaerandepa-- DLNDNHAUSY PWITMACHSO TRUKOTACSD LRIAHWSKUN IILCHCHVDY KAPIsTSEES ELRIMSAOF0 NESHFADRNE ITEKIU0YIY TwNNT0DCLG EUDEU0TLYO LRNIFHSSAS RDTAVCCuH0 KTEHATUC00 HATDWAIA0G PTDLNHLE00 FMTELKCuE0 LNIuMC0M0s fScttwibtienihiahaggeammuiucteescrikeheftdiywhtuieoiatesiurhsatpracndoaoestasouspatrntml.n.aaa.sopy.lpt-pyaer,cdeea-liinzed >iunngsd-. ewstswtsrhhhiqepaituaeoutnhet’nmngseddewzaeetdwoehrdirefsttlhweothdetriarhotbwInicrh'donliimegomanftuitgehansh.ebnubjmooogb.uhyiotetabcrt.nIwheotds.odlamTaoahepTenm.sanhanate.n’ty'ttwIsIeaam’mlglashlpuwtetneattaesyehrtvssreto- what's going on. HeyKids! His expres- ft) LittleJimmywantstocusssome- sion trans- one out, but he's lost his disses! formed from a Readagainifyouneedtobeforegoing Helphimfindhisdissesbycircling look ofabsolute ontofindoutthesynopsis... thefollowingwordsabove!Thefirst horror to that of oneisdoneforyou. extreme bliss a Usu- SYNOPSIS: Basically, it was soon ashis roommate ally, he about a horny guy who tried to douchebag and her guests left the did this at cop a feel and paid the price. asswipe fuckbucket room. Beforehisfeet,thedog home, but this While alone, he decided to cocksucker fuckhead slowlybackedawayfromhimastheboy was the first time he write an essay while watching cuntrag motherfucker beckonedhimover,butthedogignored wasdoingitatthesharedapartment. a porno movie, like most guys dickhead prick himandwentbacktoeating. Looking Hismotionswereveryquick,butsoon would. His pen can out of dickwad slimfitdick downatthegiantstalkinhishand,the hisspeeddiminished.Hewasforcedto ink, so he went to the kitchen dillhole tool boybeganremovingthespreadpeanut shake.theinstrumentafewmoretimes to make a snack of peanut but- butterwithaknife. Ifounditrather beforedecidingtoquit. Hereturnedit ter and celery sticks. He was unhealthyofhimtoplaceitbackinthe toitsrightfulrestingplaceashehadat startled when his roommate BONUSPOINTS: Skippy’sjar,butthenagain,thissortof homemanytimesinthepast. Onthe arrived home early to find him medievaldickweed behaviourseemedtobethenormthese television, thethreelesbians had be- using her peanut butter. That days. Theboytightenedthelidofthe guntodresseachotheruntiltheywere is all. DOUBLESECRETBONUSPOINTS: peanutbuttercontainerandplacedit completelyclothed.Thatwasthething notalentassclown backinthecupboard. Hiseyesdarted with sexhere. People always ended -StuartGots towardthetelevisiontofindthreebux- upfranticallydressingeachotherand Forthismonth'sleft-handedissuewe outwithmyrightbutIrealizedthatif decidedtotalktoallthoseleft-hand- Imasturbatedwithmyleftthere’sso edmasturbatorsandaskthemwhat muchmoreIcando. theyloveaboutmasturbatingwith theirlefthand. T:Whatdoyoumean? Here'swhattheyhadtosay... S: Well,sinceI’musuallyarightyI 1.RonHarold csoamnew.orSkomwehtiilsmtesImIa’lsltbuerbpaltaey!inIgt’scaatwceh- or writing in myjournal while I'm Toike: Sowhat madeyoudecideto pleasuringmyselfwiththeotherhand, masturbatewiththeleft? andnoone’sthewiser!Myroommates sometimescomplainaboutthesticky Ron:Well,mylefthandhasalways phonethough. ButJeremy'sacandy beensteadierandmorecoordinated loversotheythinkit’shim. thanmyright.I’vespentyearstrain- ingittowhatIthinkisperfection. 3.LianaDawson T:That'sawesome.Nowwhatarethe advantagestomasturbatingwiththe Toike:Whendidyoufirstmasturbate left? withyourlefthand? R:Ihardlyeverusemyleftforany- Liana:What? thingelse,sothiswaymylefthand can feel just as important. If not T: Doyouevergiveinanddoitwith more. theright? T:Isthereanythingyou’dliketotell L:What areyou talkingabout? Who kids who are still tryingto decide are you? Have you been talking to whichhand? Kyle?‘runsaway* R:Mixitup,man.Yougottatrydif- T:Youcan’trunfromthetruth,Liana! ferentthingsbeforeyoucommitto one.It'swhatIkeeptellingmygirl- -InterviewsconductedbeMeiLingChen friend... botJf (bmf Jo Chide oikJ WhichhanddoYOU 2.SethDuncan masturbatewith? Tmoaiskteu:rbSaotihnogwwiltohnygouhravleefty?ou been Tims Wits,s *jD i/mwc! [email protected] Seth: About5years now. Istarted andletusknow! Page4-TheToikeOike,VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005 Why Don’t Drive I Whetherit’sareallywhineylittlebe- enon.Themostlogicalexplanation I yotchwho’stoogoodtotakethebus,or seeisthattheremustbesometypeof agroupoffriendswantingtohitcha spatialanomalylikeawormholeinside freeride,myanswer’salwaysthesame: myToyota;youneverknowwhat“hy- don’tdrive!Atleast,notanymore.The bridtechnology"reallymeans. nextquestionis,ofcourse,“why?”Well, [’lltellyou“why.”I'lltellyouandthen I’mnotsayingI’mabaddriver.It’sa maybeyoucangofornicateyourselfin matterofkarma,iswhatitis.I’mso thecornerandkeepyourdamnmouth goodateverythingelsethatIdothat shutnexttime! theuniversewouldcrashifIwereany betteratdriving.Let’sjustleaveitat don’tdriveforanumberofreasons, that. urstofall,Idon’thavemylicense Tragiclovestoriesaretoldthroughouttheages,fromgenerationtogeneration. anymore. It’s not as interesting of Lastly,myjaroftoenailclippings Theseloversareknownineveryculture:RomeoandJuliet,MarcAntonyand storyasyouwouldexpect.Allthat timeI’mdrivingonthesidewalkdown- is becoming too popular. People Cleopatra.RecentlyafterafireinBuffalo,NewYork,asetofletterswererecov- lappenedwasIletsomekidborrowit town,allthesehomelesspeoplejump evenuseaspecialsignaliftheywant etoretdhferloatmetMhaedsiatem.eDaMtoenditqouteheDeenaralryd1e9a0u0.s,Tthheeycowrerreespproendseunmceedwtoashabveetbweeleonngheedr abancdk.thIehnawdhteonshheovdeidint’dtowwannthitsotghirvoeaitt oliukteoefvenroywohnee’rseaugnadienrstmmye!wheHeolsw.cIat’ns tEovesreyeonite:’tshbeeyernaiassektihnegirfomrimddyljearf,inagnerd. andClarenceJones,whichtoldofwhatmightbethegreatestlovestoryofour toprovemypoint. Idrivewhenallthesethingsslowme it’sreallydifficult todriveandshow time. down?Thebusiswayfaster! ittothem,especiallywhenI'monthe Secondly, I hate driving because highway. May25, 1904 something/someonealwaysruns PointBisalwaysthehospital. I DearestMonique, under my car. It started out with don’trememberhowiteverhappens, Sokeeptheaboveinmindnexttime ustsquirrelsandpigeons,thenwhen buteverytimeIgetbehindthewheel,I youwanttosave moneyoncabfare, It has been almost twelve days since you have departed for the Americas. foundashortcutthroughalocalpark, endupintheemergencyroom.Thisis becauseyou’renotgettingaridefrom I grow weary with regret that I didnotmake you stay like youhadhoped, startedgettingbeavers,ducks,geese, reallyscarybecauseIcan’teverfinda me! but I could only keep you in the cage for so long before the authorities smallchildren,andmoose.Also,every scientificexplanationforthisphenom- -AntonBasse! wouldhave found you. As I write this I amfilledwithgreatjoy. LittleJohnhasfinally ldeuaernteodhitsofwraalgki.leMobtohdeyrantdhisntkrsontghamtinhdi.sIlattheinnekssit'isndlueeartnoitnhgetloatwealnkighist WHEN YOU TELL cupcakes she keeps feedinghim. Hemisses you so. He calledout yourname the other day. Mother wonders what "fat whore" could possibly mean to a THAT BUM THAT two year-oldboybut weboth knowbetter. I think about you everyday. I play the moment we met over and YOU HAVE NO overagaininmyhead. I rememberwaiting formyweeklyspecial fromHilda and you walked in. The way you looked in the corset and heels stirs my CHANGE.... blood to this veryday. And howyou kept the feathered cap on the entire time. I was barelyable to containmyself. I miss you. With love, Clarence MEAN IT. June 3, 1904 Monique my love, INSTEAD Iwasoverjoyeduponreadingyour lastletter. Iamyetstillunaccustomed to yourAmerican jokes. What exactly is a "Theodore Roosevelt"? jfouêAtxê^man^m^în yourletter. Iâmpleased tt)at you are surroundingyourselfwithfriends tofill thevoidofnothavingmearound. Although this is thefirst I'veheardof "Richard". Is he another cousin? The past week has been very stressful for me. Trevor has been riding me to finish the last of the manuscript. I find it really hard to DOXIT. gworiitnegwtihtrhoouugthysooumehetroeugbhestiidmeemse.fiYnoaunchiaavlleyabluwtaysTrbeeveonrmsyaymsusoen.ceIvheagveetabbeleen AN ALTERNATIVE erotica goes into the mainstream we'll be set. I don't know what I'd do withoutTrevor. He ismy rock. TO CASH. I framed the picture you sent me. I put it right next to my bed so that 1 may see your face whenever I wake. I did however cut out the head of the gentleman grabbing yourbosomand replaced it with apicture New ofmyown. Year’s Resolutions Surveyed I havehope thatyouwillreturntomesomeday. Until then Iwill wait here alonewith the feathered cap that still smells ofyou. Muchlove, howtheywouldstartlivingtheirlives 4.MariavonTrappactorsinTheSound Clarence differently, given the chance. They ofMusic: cameupwithsomeanswers.Notreally August 25, 1904 greatones, butdefinitelysome. But a)Findafavouritethingbetterthan Monique, enoughwith the one-sided chit-chat. ‘girls inwhitedresses.’ Alternatively, Let’scuttothechase. prayfortherecoveryofJulieAndrew’s Ithasbeen threeweeks sinceyour last letter. I amgettingwor- voice. ried. Areyoualright? Whyhaveyounottriedtocontactme? I sent Pierre Question: b)Unlikely. Comprehensivecopyright to theAmericas tofindyoubut he hasyet to sendword tome. Andmy car- lawsprotectRogers. (Surveyed:1029) rierpigeon has been verycurt tome lately. a)Ifgiventhechangetoreliveyouryear Mother hasheard that you were foundwalking the streets armin again,howwouldyouchange? 5.Economists: armwithanotherman. Is thistrue? Haveyoufoundanother? I cannotstand this any longer. Do you still wear yourpromise ring? b)Whatistheprobabilitythatyouwill a)Giveuptheuselesssocialscience. rememberyourchangeandimplement b)Canonlyguesscertaintendency,but Clarence it? cannot predict outcome. (Surveyed: Sowemadeabitofamistakethisyear. 78) November 4, 1904 Duringoneofourstaffmeetings(read: 1.Dentists: Dearest Monique, bingedrinking)therewasadecision 6.Santa'sElves: made(atmyprovoking)torelocateall a)Nineoutoftendentistswanttobe Iameversosorryforwhathappened. Iwas soafraidthatImight ofourbudgetto aspecialsectionin theonedentistthatdisagreesonCol- a)Searchforlessseasonablework. have lost you, that I was not really thinking about my actions. When I thisissue. Unfortunately,thismeans gatetelevisioncommercial. b) Unlikely: Santabecomesverypas- sailed out in search of you all I thought of was seeing your face again, thattherewillbefewfeaturesinfuture b)Nineoutoften. (Surveyed:10) siveaggressivearoundtheNewYear. and catching you in that embrace with Pierre came as a shock to me. The issues; maybethis idea reallywasn’t (Surveyed:all) cleaverjust leapt right out ofmyhands. Whowould've thought I hadsuch allthatfunnyintheend. Butletme 2.Beekeepers: goodaimwhileenraged?Orthat Iwouldretrievesaidcleaverandcontinue tellyou,ifyouwereatourmeetingon 7.Engineers: throwing it athim? Thursdaynight,itwouldhaveseemed a)Stoptakingsomanyteabreakswith I know you told me not to contact you but I had to explain. I really,reallyfunnytoyou. Youmight theQueen. a)Stopbeinganengineer. still love you. I will always love you. If you ever do come back do not have diedlaughing. (Sorryagain to b)Ifshebeckonsme,Imustgo. (Sur- b)Nil.Cannotletsocialscientistsknow hesitate tovisit me. Miguel’sparents. Wedidn'tknowthat veyed:l,butheseemedabitdrunkon thattheyhavewon. (Surveyed:666) hewasallergic.) power.) Forever yours, 8.PatBenetar: Clarence Soherewerego... All ofourwinter 3.Comedians: budgethasbeensquanderedforanex- a)Launchcomebackoutofloveonthe Thelettersstoppedsoonafter.MoniqueDenardeaunevermarried citingsurvey. Everyonelikesexciting a)FindgirlfriendsoIcandostand-up musicalbattlefield. andlivedaverysuccessfulbutlonelylifeasaburlesquedancer surveys,right? aboutabadgirlfriend. It’sfunny. Ha! b)100%likely,but110%likelytofail. ClarenceJoneswastriedformurderandspent6yearsinjail.Veg b)87.43%Ha! (Surveyed:138,thisisa (Surveyed:2-Crazy.Whoknew?) etableeroticabecameverypopularintheLondonunderground We interviewed thousands ofprofes- computercompressedanswer-butthey andJoneslivedcomfortablyfortheremainderofhisyears. sionalsfromdifferentfieldstofindout reallyspeltoutallthe’Ha's.) -LenaSchuck ! TheToikeDike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005-Page5 HarryPAotTtaelreaFnrdoTmhHeoGgowladretnsSnatch: Vacation Causes Relaxation ofBowels AJOURNEYTHROUGHTHEANNALSOFTHESOUL ByHarryPotter aQgtbhTtdaimcsadISm;thhouabetiooononoyieltowi—nutheaaddsscydhdldrsietataSeh.add.nctaynandataiarhtAdipraiCdrtti3tbhkflvn,tacem6chfeoeubaiIcbkdn0he.rrvycuybnhse,eeketwoedsypwclrbWaiihmoiiaoIaissaodunknteceuunjncfteogbtbhrwsaikdeuuoeees1tecfe,hansaehhnmw8auilidroeibnets0IopllsIennceaoyv.tpafaoadhei,taehaleo.tn,vnItiytBrmhcrwneshdlfahtduaimhr?eemeuuhtimypcnepydGeehaslatodsggnioal.ntrunasirevaooseddinhdwedeyrOndargoddaeeothlgudw,u.tmvw-ahlueedrlheieyeemyAIRdnstoirtmbfn’etncopGwhesubprrsa,Insodin,lc,trowQ’pnlaklcpmouorIoaaokdnyiohaioomnonndeeonosaobdedimspdondrgkltft--- ““”““““““IIIwHBIahessaahRtYRMTmHHHttsohiosiuohaxgeaahawiomouisddunlttrorhoatRramn’Rnolow’rfrhuatcwlomngrsoesyoeyluhdlaae.hitrntscsns,y,sd,usaewtilr.hoo.m”!nli’rttdau”leaunmnhorlsoeetibseNooslHiynseb!sevalndt.owbsdowa”e,eedtif,gfekriyoe”frolmHuiusosomestpwIirorotceRentxhum?ebhshikeodrcghoRovheesmaeeismmeHe.elmollaneytnttelq,redilnivelhgluntIeisshs,leroHIeeishtwvan.awaenatnealewieylaigdwvtybetiBvesrilaosrkeeeoe.ukRwlwhmnnaeetreostopihaiepsitafbdfsonuaiuedtoeeenontr’umnrrsrlhartoeghniosbntiieollhehdnomeIewc.ienr.eswelamvasenaooo,efaIdhneAsun?fgnR”Qenoo,ineg,s”on.cfucuanmdIinbiiaoiohang.tnwems’elpuuddn!meaxgsic”ytrpdn!osylcansaeido.”tloisowkeuutakhtv—em;eisthcreeiellteseehdesrr. YAWTvesobIOacllabtqtfdoanImtaiisaerelfihetoucoeihcinhorwtfycMtiltoirecagirleeiaubnowaoapaet.mtnoesidhsyalonwteeruiehenitdxitmadnkwltletalteBsdnrgieieii.sktoadurwbmhhsstnonn.aomcmntmtieioeynotutMrMyMad’,ahftefon.aoebiiyreueeaIttoytebnlnrlgnrnwspxxdynrtIftetlscasesenamaealieiawhfoehooywatxolloari.oonacleaicawsuatitillhekmmtiuctsnvyodtaottmhnoiO;niendektb,eogekilneektntntrgd(esitho.rloue.ns?ewelassiwurcwnnecheamidrlmahoapligatWPoirkikaiyyhdaatsegwtbduuecafmennpahnornworesyhrrntnnagahyaabgdaassuohdeheel.brdenoymcsiwtarlaw.aaaat?feceehuiiosyohnt.poitsarkllara,teptnuelh)enctsisttaoerVsesiu.tlgttanht.dhebshuaseaawthroesadaei?nArklonkcsnitaeannttgoowadaesyf.goasmt’dnnwChiiuidcfutseehiiudtysdoUhntno.tntrtrildhjolInuagsrhihcholdiopoAuociurrlneshmbtfhrlneEtsmtaveetr.yagdaoesernthfodlyaenlsiionabwbsgGiecfalrarrerwivvkogbheloimwettfosaulaaahehcfeiiinittzlaiiidlnhmovtgcbharscelaanhhnosltilkeiaeoedeaxdh?teleegngoaylyty.-,--. TThnsaranIsifherohuenpsleraosIbd.eirrstewunehtGcvseamneeraeesdatrnlerntinsslmygsfhont.ihoosuaeharnfisovMarltdsemfet.shydsoeoo.artiarmgmninkfNlrmeiCuoadeaedan,s,sns,losctid.Cf,aIrgomblwfTeuflruoioelahntltovamteelthe-hlyperanoeicecirfuoaatos-rskrumphmnciaeleisadlotesl.ankhilyso“toel.TwfcCusGhofhoigeoCruaothmnnosulrhtg”ersdedes.--- AToosltsvaceItrI(IrsthstIBwtifhtefiereoegmnichhiuhuasroflfeiglmonroepecesnemeprnlcmksltnatgsipontoa.mgeenoonpei!xeelaiiLtislntnosnchuiawetdTocnonisltdt?EtiliocnnunhtzrwdewteeitindppgohiYeadsaoadtnchcosa.hweemds!nbstmnshtsfoirohesia.o,jelstaeaetmmyu.ItawbJtoHustrhurunpehlgvmhhtbaemTitaseesmliidmh.ihecstetnstrtetnasittaaeoshe.mcnuTtesiwmsonta.ubsndnooetryilhnofatoalyieouhi.nl?e)slhNeSsdwnnmCestkelgooo,vocorigcenulD.edaorWeh.rahuttteaetclntinoetairahrfsheiciiWnhdlovhotgtinyeidvukonkoaitiyewtl.ehinaewpefleytalnh!rawwnniooceemasdateimftgbtoavauurbr.tssey.eetbeorer-stiyste.SmetlhlrrsvmocateTk.tetloyoiiasntrlooetirachhsnssinfi,cheubnonehsecfthedogzctkgrmfsseeheraoatmeesMteysoneiItaofud!mwrmdeaioaleanmdfareslpabonkhnxeimeplima,P,oaicerydin.nimi.HeugaktnwpaurkhccwtpeoiinttmodbeaPtb.raaatnnhenhlrooeayeeoswdnoAgsgeeraeyff--.-I- AfwqoGodHS“lffuflehneTetiisiamxrmherdietcrmrybyeerchieisvyahlbeboleeiImrlrtsnmc,euya,ohea,attcmoetkhttthfemyhrheahre.recsmejiseolksoTasfumefharwohbodmbrreerrboisteieeHstrothcrelahlehseaoeur!aoacntwGrrhntweeeoyefefTlaalefsyrasPhorsdooonreusieItmtmdn?mntlgebpetgetlIenlrSrshihac!eesanedere”csaeGmhraesstsuootb,dthcraltlwoeohriediinwtuna.eotchtrnlhennhehsy..I- “WIsScllmfOaaaieheuhhcrtiroxstahttu.oeHvt,aldaweiaMdtoriInenuraytl’ldhry!ymhf.a,oibDew”gvudtou“iretestymHtoaaeiahbswyrsRerolisihxosiuren.ndHtydigte’enhaFosMPir.farhsoamon:eeAstltnirtmfadoiHeefsobmrnealtoylmnlerifaa’teycsmcnaltdkishosdiswtioomaerisatkentxochinlebepenelliida,gndyyraGe!tvn“foapa"iedaWlnecrcideeudtnyI TcWgNavtrieiorrnuhehltyngrnxeleishsatsnnncegnogooeiateaf.oihxtpttwTuitohosshnoarntegeptfsheeeeeYrsIcrrm,eostaoekeiusundlsa,nlideondzgalwsemdiy,lhakesietanswpIhvhdwhpmeiehieetytnarrhtlSgdeieeeoanvdihResgenybaexplsesralpeestitlandnkleowtdeeyaseDsiweoeIcssvausnomeatwetuarcnalrldothdsedilf.--- ApJsSblediliraaunatolsretdsynotlott..tepyht,tt.iBybwohsoeehpayditone,oehnoonplegptaeuehnssmCIde.io..rotDWIonh.Ahnamogfeloaudlt-rgatubsesdrhirrdedaticileiInaddngIsf.ptta.iwuhiac.geatgsOnuiaysrhvv.teieai.idngdtr.nyyotgglthihouhmtaridamstyesdescwwaneoomaantlruesdy?fdt awmawtmtmttmtioouienaoyyirtrtdodriseehhnietenmd.ndcapelneodaaytarwalteiohsolssetmwwteyvdlfnicdbieemef,o,loeafislsurlmmansyrytsnpnu-yudeadbotdnrsacuoegelsttcroIsulaoaodnypnoyanldrifsduifnesocvtiseadnfkeitd.nolevooetcr.mndenIoe.trcynmnuthyseceNpehi,ec!Iocsosorpttwu.fnIehaamgaoc’neIgprhosl'mtepltr.uplyIg"gsehlkooisoi“heioiiNwmnaNetnnniaaedupogsgt--- needacigarette. enShower...”oooohIenjoythesound DaysofOurLives,Iwasstrickenwith forbeingtotallylame,Imademyway -Marin7hrk ofthat. whatmightbecalledmentaldiarrhea. tothelatrineonceagain. It'sgettingtothatpoint wherethebittercoldjust makesyourfacewantto turninsideout. TheToikeOiketookto thestreetstofindthe "bestwinterfaceof2004". eiiFstein And thewinner is... wheregreatminds drinkalike! JeremyNorform Weekly Events: ofKamloops, Ontario Manvs.Martini Mondays TheToikeOike-Helpingyouletyourfreakflagflysince1911. ToonieToosedays All-U-Can-EatPasta Professional Golf Management andOpenMike Wednesdays TAKCJ THXE.' TNSE*\X#Tx iLCEVV/CEL ThirstyThursdays Take your degree to a ApreSuds Fridays whole new level of success. Wantacareerinoneofthefastest-growingindustriesin NorthAmerica?Injusttwosemesters,youcanmergeyour Special Events recreation,financial,marketingormanagementdegree Saturdays withtheexcitementofProfessionalGolfManagement Call416-675-6622,ext.3220oremail ray.chateau&hutnber.caforfurtherinformation. FreePool ApplyforallBusinessSchoolprogramsatthe and aSteamin' OCASwebsite-www.onlariocolleges.ca Wedon’tfollowtheflow, HeapO'Comedy Seating is Limited! wecreateit. Sundays 229 CollegeStreet HUMBER Listonto RealRadio 416/59»STEIN TheBusinessSchool www.ein-stein.ca C . Page2-TheToikeOike, VolXCVIII-IssueV,January2005 EDITORIAL She Coikg-Oihe A Quirky Little Story. of Toronto's VolumeXCVIII—IssueV—January2005 NloocawlwFhuyt,uryeosuhaospk,bewosuulcdhaattrriaputmoattihec TBhoaxtinbgeiDnagysaiisd,whaeltnhoyuoguhgtehteywhsaatytyhoaut waelroengloloinkein(gtofofrinwdaosutsotlhdatowuth)a,tstohmeey experience?Isitbecausetheirprices reallywantedforChristmas(andfor shoppersendedupbuyingsomething B1704K0inSga’nsdCfoolrldegFeleRmoiandg aaisrreethstenoocooatshyei?g-hAFcoturutautlrlheya,tshqtouhpietiierstashnaelecexoscnpetelrolpaelrneyt otitfh’sotstheheewstheiaomseodnownha’etnndcyeslopeulburrtagateke)e,Cadhdorvnia’sntttmyaaogsue, torhasthweadsind’nt’tevleeanvoenemsaplte,yjhuastndseodt.hathe TorontoONM5S3G4 store.Thatis,unlessyoudecidetogo thinkthatBoxingDayisalittleover- Somewherealongtheline,somebody onBoxingDay,whenitbecomesamad rated? managedtocreateadaywherestores tel:(416)978-2917 house, transforming even the most areabletoselloffalloftheiroldinven- fax:(416)978-1245 fciievnidlsi.zedpeopleintobargainhunting 1s.hoFprpeormhwahdattoIosbtsaretrvleidn,intgheupavetrhargeee tpoeroyplferotomltihneepuapstaybelaorc,kaanwdacyojnuvsitncteo http://toike.skule.ca storefrontsawayandwaitaridiculous buyit. e-mail:toike@skule,ca Before I left on myexpedition, I fig- amountoftimejusttogetintothestore. ureditwouldbeagoodideatowear Thiswasbecausetheflowintothestore Forgetengineering,IthinkI’minthe comfortableshoesandpackmyselfa wasregulatedbyseveralbouncerswho wrongbusiness. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF DavidKobayashi baggedlunchbecauseIexpectedthat lookedlikeoffdutyToy’sRUssecurity navigatingthroughthecrowdswould guards.ThelasttimeIsawalinelike Twoleftsdon’tmakearight. COPYEDITOR PaulDabrowski takeawhile.Sowithmysurvivalkitin that was at the Guvernment (hmm, Butthreedo. PRODUCTIONMANAGER JesseKatz-Totton hthaends,toIreb.eAglaonntgompyuswhamyyIwsaaywtahnrootuhgehr btuoatlhly)t.henightclubandtheboarderac- Wellfolks,Ihopeyoudidn’thavetoo shopperlifelesslylyingupagainstapile muchtroubleopeningupthisissue.In SENIORSTAFFWRITER AnnieUnnoid ofSonyDVD players. Hiswatercan- 2. Nomatterhowcheapyouthinkyou caseyouhaven’tnoticed, wedecided teenwasemptyandhisenergydrained. are, there’s always a person cheaper tohelpourleft-handedbrothersand STAFFWRITERS AnthonyApostoli Iofferedhimasipfrommywaterbottle (andmorehardcore)thanyouwilling sistersoutandpublishaLeft-handed MeiLingChen andhegavemeanodofgratitude.We tocampoutsidethestoreinorderto Toike!Ihopeyouenjoyit... left without even exchanging words, makesuretheygettheirhandsonthe SeanHocldn butwefeltlikebrothers.WhileIhoped doorcrasheritems.ThelasttimeIsaw -DauidKobayashi AnneLange hewouldreturnhomesafely,insideI lineupthatlongwasforarockconcert, EditorinChief MarinTurk secretlyknewthathe’dprobablynever andeventhatwasn'tjustified.$0itonly AlexWun makeitoutalive.Mostshoppemrsdon’t. makessensethatafterwaitinginsuch ETTERS ass tiseass ioed ETTERSIT CONTRIBUTORS AntonBassel NickLoberto RobNesci fters gas ggaa liajfafeia Igahwataa LenaSchuck Okay, I just have to ask this, I will not be supporting the entire issue around that concept a because I've been wondering... Gargoyle anymore. Truth be mereweekbeforewewereduetobe CONTRIBUTINGARTISTS AmitAhlawal told, I didn't really read it. printed. Thanksforthequestion! DustinLadyshewsky When I first saw the ad for I just used the paper as lin- AdamLatour the Matrix in the Toike, the ing to my- birdcage. Oh ya, Dear Toike, 10 DVD set with "This-is my and also, I use it to clean up I noticed that you recent is- world" on it, I- laughed out my own semen. sue that also spoofed IKEA. PRINTER WellerPublishingInc. lporuidm.e jokTehsisbetisweeonnemyoffritehned Dixon Tophar Attotafilrlsyt Iriwpapsedlikoef,f wthhoea tGhaery- ADPLACEMENT CampusPlus and I, who enjoy movies, and goyle, but then I kind of no- have this big theory on how Ihearthatnewsprintinkreducesyour ticed that you guys dida much the Matrix sequels were over- spermcount,soI’dbemorecarefulin better job, so whatever, more inflated,.overdone, and pretty> thefuture:However,thataside,thanks power to you! Hilarious issue ludicrous. This in mind, it foryoursupport. ' overall. was one of the funnier things I'd seen in recent history, Dear Toike Oike, ThanksDahling,pleasesendanyand because it played on the idea allfuturefan-male to my boudoir. that it was just a ridiculous What the fuck is up with the XOXO cash grab. Gargoyle? And what the fuck is GARGCORE?!? Dear Toike, NOW, when I read this ad, I It sounds like some new way of was 100% certain it was a joke. giving head. I couldn't believe the nerve Then I saw it in the Varsity. the Gargoyle had in accusing When I found out it was real, Fr. Curtis O'Reilly you of copying their idea. If I laughed even harder... I didn't know any better, I'd SPECIALTHANKS Anythingispossible. say that they had spies feed- Yup, itwasreal Weregladyou en- ing them information. Or may- Theholidayseason joyedit. Dear Toike, be very well trained monkeys. Hey, what's the deal with you Or maybe flying monkeys with COLOPHON Dear Toike Oike, guys doing an IKEA spoof days huge wings (andwhen theybark after the Gargoyle does its they shoot regular non-flying T6kchon0peo%ywTpiowsoihlskyaeentteOiutinrhkaGeeles-oeitsrchgpheirteaom,adimaucincanedledsstahuareseni,hdnehga4udat0lci%tonhemeetspyhuisytnluenrMreey,urmraiaaanlkdd-e.otxuhisedensseo.wuWsnpderisdnmoatnr’itts.amTcathdueaelblooyfdy AbansiergwdlsIcipamawgppaeses,erscIolfuehnaladnapeisprntegnmmeoytdnhtetphoa'srsocriaoGtlta'ecrsdh- IcCkooepnayf-ucsiaestdssueS?taluldWehnoytfaaresudydoeun.such Iam'nodynkbifeelsyicnoagurtemfooufnlk•teihyfesirtahmteotrueetnhd)ia.nrge WHATHO? gmoeynltes. abTohuetiryeoduirtornieawlspacpoemr- Wellfunnyyoushouldask,younglad. ytohueyr'rceontuepnttomeneotignogosd.. I think TheToikeOikeisacovertorganizationcommittedtotheproliferationof have left me with a bad taste Inpointoffact,theToikehasarigor- humourattheUniversityofToronto.Itisourmandatetoinsistthatyour in my mouth. This may be ousprintingschedulewhichinvolves John Foster, 0T7 eoitud’tuslccoaootlkidooonuntissliiNfdeeO)tT.ocOaoubmoreu.rtaSynookuslriagrcheatrfeeinellruepds,owsimittuhbcazhecakalsaoiuntsdirsheaavbvooeluuattnisoihncaaerpdiientsegafyr(oeouvmrebnoitfh pwpaaarsrrtolrtye'asdd-uiensghittoittfohoevrerfaacttolpontgohfatpmeyI- chbeaofvmoiirnneggtthuheepGnarwinigtofhuyllleoduceravmeceloonopcumetpetwnsitthlaonintdgs Right,thanks. lEonwgiinngeedriisntrgiabuntdioAnr.tsVi&vaScliaernecveo.luWteionm!eetevery-monthontheSaturdayfol- rmhiyaoddsttooofmawtcrihimtee.pumtpoeAdfy,toeurIginfeetltstiunpgI- Glwiaotrtulgelodsyplhoeoafvw,eosuboleredenallevlaiy,drtdyueaoslupliyttoeimbweplhoisaestvieb,tlhieet erTyloveneTowihkoewwrooutledilniktehitsomtohnatnhk.evIt-’s DISCLAIMER port. I want you to know that forustoseetheirissueandbuildan nicetohavesuchspiritedreaders! Theradical,ultraleft-wingopinionsexpressedinthisnewspaperdonotnec- essarilyreflectthoseoftheEngineeringSocietyortheUniversityofToronto. Get Involved With The Toike Oike! Infact,theydon’tevennecessarilyreflecttheopinionsofthewriters.Ifyou happentofindanyofthematerialwithinthesepagesoffensive,donottryto sueus,aswehaveacrackteamofcrackheadlawyersreadytobringthapain. Sucka. It’sthenewyear,bitches. Satisfyyournewyear’sresolutiontohecooler,andwritefortheToike. * Our next contentmeetingwillbe held on; Tuesday,Januaryn,2005@6:00pmintheSandfordFlemingAtrium. UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO students'administrative Questions?? [email protected]