Table Of Content

Volume ill Issue 2 The Lowell Pearl Editor-in-Chief: Volume ill Issue 2 Cindy T Moran Literary Society Officers: President: Julie Souza Vice President: Michael Baillargeon Secretary: Cindy Moran The Treasurer: Jeff Nazzaro Editorial Staff: Lowell Pearl Michael Baillargeon Jeff Nazzaro Frank Grande Peter Starrett Kathy Mercurio Julie Souza Mariola Mroczko Adam Johnson Literary Society Members: Gregory Anderson Cindy T Moran Michael Balliargeon Mariola Mroczko Frank Grande Jeff Nazzaro Tommy Mandela Peter Starrett Kathy Mercurio Julie Souza Alumni Advisors: Judith Dickerman-Nelson Douglas L White Ftu:~~lty Advisors: Melissa Pennell William Roberts Design and Typestting: The Lowell Pearl is a semi-annual publication of the UMass Douglas L White Lowell Literary Society supported by the Massachusetts Cultural Cindy T Moran Council as administered by the Lowell Arts Council Cover Photograph by Tom Vanderhoeven Copyright 1993, all rights reseroed. Submitting to The Lowell Pearl Our deadline for the next issue is December 10, 1993. Send submissions to: UMass Lowell Literary Society c/o South Campus English Department University of Massachusetts Lowell One University Ave Lowell MA 01854 Please send two (2) copies of your submission with no identifying marks on them: it is our policy to read submis sions anonymously. Enclose a separate cover page which lists the title of the submission, your name, permanent mailing address, home phone number, and some back ground information (if we publish your submission, we will need information for contributor's notes). We also require a self-addressed stamped envelope for our reply, which will come a reasonably short time after our deadline. To writers of prose-and truly ambitious writers of poetry- submissions should be no more than 5000 words, and we only accept one (1) prose piece per author. To poets, please do not send more than five (5) of your poems. Our deadlines for the Winter and Summer issues are, respectively, December lOth and May 20th. Submissions may be sent year round, but we do not read submissions in the summer. Any submissions received during the summer months will not be read until the fall. We promise we will not return submissions. Students who submit should give us a permanent address and phone number; we may need to contact you between semesters. Feel free to send your submission on disk, on ASCII format, text only. Please tell us the name of the submission and application you are using. Lastly, we are no longer accepting submissions via electronic mail. If the above guidelines are not adhered to, your submis sion will not be considered. u Introduction Table of Contents ". .. we too have done our but, given what w.e were to worlc with, anJ the /ragik nature of the matter at band. " 1 Contest Winner-Weddings Ken Lovering - Wiil Eno, tbu klata 14 The Nocturnal Fortune Cookie Catherine O'Brian Okay, we're a bit late. We admit it. We have a few good 15 Jazz and Fish excuses and a few bad ones; but the important part is, we 18 Shearsman apologize. We would like to thank the contributing authors for their commendable patience and understanding. Hap 19 An Aztec Memory Charles Fishman pily, we believe this is the best journal we've put together 20 The Post Office Faith Tumnus Shearin thus far. We hope you agree. 21 The Piano Lesson The Lowell Arts Council funded our contest, and we 22 Mother Tongue Kerry Cohen thank them for their continuing support. We have tried to be judicious in our decisions, and, as is often the case, the final 28 Far from the Adriatic Sea settlement was difficult. When the quality of submissions is Sean Thomas Dougherty high, deciding "the best" among them is an exhausting and 29 37 George Chigas in some ways less than satisfying exercise. Our next issue is riding up the tail of this one, so expect 30 Other Languages John Grey it soon. 31 Salve Te, Soror Ellen F. McCarthy 32 The World That He Knew Ramsey Sar 33 3am at the Digital Computer Laboratory Lincoln Faulkner Smith 35 Common Sunshine Will Eno 37 ...H ere, Now... Glen Green 40 The Periodicity of Ambition Tara Maja Madhyastha 42 Condoms, Candles, and D Batteries Rachel Knox 43 Dead of Winter Stephen Marino 44 Where There Is Darkness, Light 45 Instinct Joanne M. Sullivan tu. 46 Almost Spring Cletlning Marianne MacCuish 48 Paul Darko, His Epitaph Mark Pestana 49 Culture Schlock Matthew P. Mayo 50 After a Hard Day at the KwikieKopie Beth Walker 61 Alex's Quilt Luke Dzwonczky 62 Cubano RapPoem Gerald Perry The Lowell Pearl 63 Acts/Ax of Love Jeff Loo 64 after the miscarriage 65 Untitled Leo Racicot 68 The Garden Haiku Peter Fusco 69 Contributors " 1993 Contest Winner Weddings Ken Lovering Larry and I flew to Atlanta for my brother Paul's wed ding. I had thought that flying would leave me no time to think about being Paul's usher, about why his impending marriage was making me feel cheated. Not that I ever considered marriage; I never thought it was an option even though all the Christmas cards I received last year from even my oldest friends were addressed to "Ethan and Larry," and even though so much that used to be mine was now ours. Our TV /VCR. Our Rogers & Hammerstein collection. Our Ford Fiesta. Our apartment. After we took off from Logan I told Larry that I never should have let him talk me into this. But I knew he was looking forward to a family event; his family had kicked him out of Seattle when he was nineteen. The only contact they had had since then was two years ago- before we met when his mother sent him a note saying that his father had died. "Just thought you should know," it said. He showed it to me once. Every so often I still wake up to his crying in the night and hold him until he falls back to sleep. "You'll be great," he said, rolling his chewed gum wad into the foil it came from and placing it in his shirt pocket. "I'll be great?" I said. "This is not a performance. It's a wedding, just like a million others. I'll be one of two million ushers in a million weddings." "It's you brother's wedding," he said. His enthusiasm for a stranger's wedding was beginning to annoy me. Why should I only notice this now? I thought. Why on the plane, when it was too late to beg him to stay home? I couldn't even ask him to understand me. ''You've been moping around ever since you got the invitation," he said. "Christ, I'd give my right arm just to get 1 - invited to my brother's wedding." paper plates and styrofoam. We both always smelled of The steward brought warm danish in cellophane and food. The grease came off easily in the shower, but other coffee in hard plastic cups. He leaned over Larry to reach my juices and oils seeped into our pores and became a part of fold-out tray. I could have craned my neck and kissed his us. The tips of my fingers were onion-scented and my palms clean, pretty face as he placed the creamers before me. often hinted of prosciutto or feta. Then he tended to the man and woman sitting in front of "So you're jealous of your brother?" Larry said. us. They made small talk about New Orleans, their final "Jealous?" !laughed. "What cloud did you pull that off? destination after visiting friends in Atlanta. They laughed What in the world would I be jealous of?" over something I couldn't make out and then I heard the "Oh, I don't know," he said and he turned quiet. My couple kiss. I wondered if they were newlyweds. answer had disturbed him. But he asked for it. "It just seemed so easy for him, so fast," I said. "He I tapped my bracelet against the window. Outside, announced the wedding date and whole family sprang into clouds formed valleys and notches, blinding white against action. Relatives are coming from all over." oothing blue. But these same clouds probably cast a storm "Sounds like fun," he said. "You done with your gum?" over the east coast. I was madly chewing. My jaw sudde1r\ly ached and I Maybe my brother Paul was right and I was full of shit thought I had depleted my saliva. and there was some visible criterion for Normalcy. "Here," he said, holding out his handl. I shucked it into "Have you ever looked at a woman and wondered?" I his hand from a good six inches and he unwrapped the foil said. from his pocket. His hand smelled of bell peppers and "Sure," Larry said. capers. "You have?" I was surprised, but I laughed a little. We met in the prep room of the gourmet deli in the Back "What's so funny?" he asked. Bay where we worked. I had been layering a ham with "I remember when I first knew I was gay," I said. "I sat brown sugar and cloves when he said he wanted to cook me in study hall thinking, 'This is gonna suck. My whole life's dinner. That evening he made chicken taJTagon with gonna suck.' Mostly because I thought I was the only one." lyonnaise potatoes and green beans almandine and after He covered my hand with his and we sat like that for a ward he tried to coax me into a game of chess on the beauti while. ful wood-carved set that was scattered throughout his We were quiet for the rest of the flight. Larry read the apartment. He said you can tell a lot about someone by how Time magazine that the steward brought and I stared out the he plays chess, how he plans a strategy. I told him I hated window and occasionally dozed. I dreamed that our plane the game; it required me to make too many decisions that overshot its destination and landed in the Everglades where usually just backed me into a comer in the end. Instead we Larry was devoured by alligators, leaving me alone to played trivial pursuit on my claim that you can tell a lot bushwhack out of the jungle. I didn't tell him about it. about someone by how much useless information he knows. As we descended through dark clouds into Atlanta, the We drank mulled cider and listened to EUa Fitzgerald while insides of my ears inflated and the cabin sounds were muted we played. He kissed me at the door after walking me home. by an ominous humming and the whirring of the jets. I He was the most memorable first date I'd ever had. hated descent. I always feared that the engines wouldn't be Later he went on to be a big-time chef at the Marriott, strong enough to resist the force of gravity. Or maybe the tired of seeing his creations, as he called them, served on landing gear would malfunction. After tugging at my 2 3 seatbelt-1 had never unfastened it-1 cluttched my armrest were more supportive than I had ever dreamed, educating with one hand and Larry's arm with the other. themselves with Oprah Winfrey and soothing themselves "You know," Larry said. I could hardily hear him. The with magazine articles entitled "Your Child Is Gay! Are You balloon in my right ear felt like it had acquired spikes as it to Blame?" enlarged there. When it burst, my entire head would go with "Is it a man or a woman?" Paul asked. it, I was sure. "All this marriage stuff has gotten me think "What?" I was dumbfounded. ing," he said. "I knew it would upset you." ''What?" I said, faking a yawn before I turned to him to I collapsed onto the sofa, pulling the phone cord out repeat what I knew he said. straight. "Jesus. I don't believe you still have to ask that," I "I think we should get married," he said. But his voice said. sounded distant and disembodied, and I was suddenly more "Well, I just don't understand," he said, as if we were keen to the sensation of plunging headlolllg toward the earth. chatting. "1 never asked you to understand," I said. "I don't It> tit understand why you're marrying a woman." "That's different," he said and I waited for him to throw The truth was I didn't want to be Paul's usher; I didn't even the "N" word at me, as if he were some authority on what want to go to his wedding. But there was nothing I could do was Normal, down there gulling any sap who would give to back out once the plans had fallen together and he had him cash into buying rickety used cars. called me with the tuxedo style. "We've got the church," "The only difference is acceptance," I said. he'd said when I answered the phone. I had been expecting "Whoever said I didn't accept you?" the call for a few days, bracing myself f01r his self-congratula "Oh, come on," I said. "It's been almost ten years. tion. I hadn't yet told him about Larry, e1V'en though we'd Things should come a lot more naturally between us, don't been together for eight months. But I hadl to tell him if I you think?" wanted to bring Larry to his wedding. "No I don't. There's nothing natural about it." He "Listen, Paul," I said, gripping the phone until I thought stressed the word ntltural. Great- another "N" word. it would pop out of my sweating hand. "'I want to bring "We probably shouldn't talk about this right now," 1 someone to the wedding." said. "Just give me the tuxedo style." ''Yeah." "I mean, I've met someone too," I saiid, as if it had been yesterday, as if Larry was new. I felt as if I had hushed the entire city of Atlanta. Larry and 1 retrieved our baggage, rented the Tercel, and "Can I ask you something?" he brok1e the silence. followed Paul's directions through lunch hour traffic. We "Okay," I said. were late to meet Paul and his fiancee in the rotating restau ''You're not going to like it-what I want to ask you." rant on top of the Peachtree Plaza Hotel. The quickened pace '1 seldom do," I said. I was ready. He would ask me with which we moved through the airport and the unfamil again if I really knew what I was doing. llf I was still sure iar city distracted us from each other. about the sordid life I had chosen. Had I told Mom and Dad Whenever Larry and I found ourselves alone in an about him, he would ask. And I would ttell him yes; they elevator, one of us usually threw the other against the wall, 4 5 - "Sexuality has everything ... " and, like giddy teenagers, we would kiss and prod and "When you see a man and a woman holding hands or ... giggle. But as the elevator doors in the hotel lobby or pictures of married couples in the paper do you think whooshed shut, leaving us as solitary passengers, we merely about their sexuality?" His knife sliced smoothly through the faced front. Our images echoed before us in polished brass mushrooms. interiors, shrinking away into some mystical realm beyond "Yes," I said, grazing the knife over the thin layer of the confines of the elevator. I had seen our reflections onion I had made. I wanted him to drop it. My eyes were countless times: in photos from hiking tri1ps, in mirrors after stinging and wet. Onions never seemed to bother Larry. bathing together or making love. But this infinite reflection, "They're just something else for you to get angry about," encased in off-y~1Iow alloy, seemed wondrous and eternal. he said. "And the angrier you get the more excluded you ''You okay?'' his brass-tinged image said. But I didn't feel." He maneuvered around me to the sink, retrieved a know. ''Look, if you don't want to talk about it right now its splash of water from the faucet and let it drip from his hand fine." into the skillet on the stove. Little pellets danced and hissed No, I didn't want to talk about it. About how he took me on the teflon and evaporated into mist. by surprise with his proposal. About how happy I was with "You're no less excluded than I am," I said. I felt mean the way things were, and how I wanted t:o survive this saying so. wedding before I even considered my O\lm. "True," he said. He twisted off the olive oil cap with his 'This is probably not the best time," I said, glancing at moist knuckles and held it there in the air, steady and my watch and straightening my sportcoat. waiting. Then he poured a thin line of oil into the skillet and "But I do want to talk about it sometime soon," he said. brought the bottle back to the cap. His grace soothed me. I turned to him as the elevator slowed in its ascent. He "But if you don't go to the wedding, you'll be excluding reached over and pulled my shirt collar up from under my yourself. Don't disown your brother, Ethan." coat I got the whiff of pepper again. He took our cutting boards and slid the mushrooms and "Nervous?" he said. onions into the oil where they pleasantly sizzled. "A little." "Paul is just doing what makes him happy," he said. "So ...... should you." "I do," I said. ''I mean I am." "Good, then you're going." We often cooked together after our day shifts. The night of He sorted the other makings of dinner on the table: my brother's phone call, while Larry sliced mushrooms and chicken breasts, linguini, marsala wine, and several bags of I diced an onion, I told him I wasn't going to Paul's wed earth-colored spices he probably brought home from work. ding. "He's not acknowledging my sexuality, why should I I watched him a lot during dinner. I loved his un acknowledge his?" I had said. Larry told me I was being selfconsciousness as he sucked and slurped his linguine and childish, but I didn't care. ''You're just pissed because he can casually pulled up one of his pant legs to scratch an itch and get married at the drop of a hat and you 'can't," he had said. left it bunched up like a knicker while he went to the stove ''You wish!" I said. My eyes were tearing from the for seconds. I thought about how my past relationships had onions. ended after only a few months, long enough for the infatua "Commitment is commitment," he said. "Sexuality has nothing to do with it and you know it." tion to wear off and the instability and apathy to set in. 6 7 -- Amidst the pain and loss of each breaku~whether I was around. the one who got the brush or not-I always felt a private I disguised my irritation with forced laughter. relief to be alone again. But I never felt unstable or apathetic "It's so strange to eat here," he said as we sat at a table toward Larry. At least not for long. overlooking the city. "You sit down at the beginning of your ...... meal, then halfway through you remember to look up and you're suddenly someplace else." . He pointed out the Atlanta Stadium, an enormous whtte Paul seemed surprised to see Larry accompany me off the doughnut to the south. He had just been there last week, he elevator. I was equally surprised to see PC\ul alone. He said, and he described a triple play to Larry, step-by-step, looked more like a salesman than I remembered: cropped and how split-second planning and execution were crucial to military hair, a dollar-green power tie hanging loosely, and a the game. matching jacket. His belly had dipped over his beltline since A polished oak railing circled the restaurant's inside I last saw him. perimeter at table height. Paul pointed out the directory He stepped into a handshake with Larry, asserting his printed under glass plates on the railing. Over the course of dumb masculinity-perhaps in case we had thoughts of lunch, he said, we would see the entire city: Georgia State, converting him-and Larry responded on cue, clutching Martin Luther King's Memorial (Larry said he wanted to go Paul's hand until Paul broke the connection. Then my there), and the west end of Peachtree Street, "where you brother and I unconvincingly attempted an embrace. He said guys can hang out at night," Paul said. that Julie couldn't make it because of last minute prepara "What do you mean?" 1 said. Larry kicked me under the tions. Mom and Dad would be arriving tomorrow morning. table, but I was only testing Paul. If Larry wasn't there Paul From the elevator foyer we stepped onto a catwalk that would have said something vaguely insulting like " ... to do overlooked the dining room, which was .actually sunken one whatever it is you people do." But I knew he wouldn't insult story below. The entire showcase was lit by sunshine. Red Larry. patterned carpet cushioned the floor, an 'elaborate stairway He pulled out his cigarettes and grabbed the matchbook with brass railings led to the dining room, and flourishing from the ashtray. I could see him searching for a response as ferns and other greenery hung from the ceilings two stories he lit up, his eyes squinting into the flame. Then he became above the diners. Waitpeople in tuxedos carried napkins matter-of-fact as billows of smoke escaped his nostrils. ''You over their forearms and soft piano music soothed the silence know- in case you want to go dancing or something," he among us. Paul and I should have been babbling about old said. times and family and the future; instead it felt like a business Larry smirked, and I felt ridiculous. lunch. I had told Larry it would be like this, but I still felt Paul said you could usually see Stone Mountain to the embarrassed that I had so little to say to my brother. east, but today was too hazy. Everything was so flat around A clean-shaven maitre d' led us to our table by the the city, he said, and this huge bald rock just sat out there window. I turned to Larry and quietly said, "I can't even feel like a lump, as if God put it there or something. It was an it rotating." amazing sight on a clear day. "What do you think?" Paul said, belittling me as always. "Did you bring your tux?" he said. '"They're going to spin the place around so we can't keep our "It's in the car," I said. I noticed the tapered cut of the lunch down?" He tt>ld the maitre d' to bring martinis all waiter's jacket when he brought our martinis. ''Why didn't 8 9