The Lived Experiences of Romantic Relationships Following Child Loss

217 Pages·2014·1.04 MB·English

Running head: LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS

THE LIVED EXPERIENCES OF ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
FOLLOWING CHILD LOSS

by

ERIN ELIZABETH BUHR

A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE

REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF ARTS

in

THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES

GRADUATE COUNSELLING PSYCHOLOGY PROGRAM

We accept this thesis as conforming
to the required standard

..........................................................................................
Derrick Klaassen, PhD, Thesis Supervisor

..........................................................................................
Briana Nelson Goff, PhD, Second Reader

.............................................................................................
Paige Toller, PhD, External Examiner

TRINITY WESTERN UNIVERSITY

May 13, 2014

© Erin Buhr
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS ii
ABSTRACT
This study examined the impact a child’s death had on bereaved parent’s relationships
with their significant other utilizing phenomenology. The research question was “what was the
experience of the relationship with your significant other following the loss of your child?”
Semi-structured interviews were conducted with eight participants. Themes included: The
relationship changed after the child’s death; Communication was important to the relationship
dynamic; Grieving differences existed and impacted the relationship; Specific behaviours were
identified that had the potential to facilitate or harm; Individual grief impacted the relationship;
Couples’ utilized additional emotional support outside the relationship; Sex decreased. The
themes were discussed within the context of the larger bereavement literature which included
grieving differences, continuing bonds, and trauma models for couples. Themes were also
discussed with regard for how to provide informed counselling interventions for bereaved
parents, such as addressing issues that may arise because of grieving differences.
Key words: Loss and grief; Bereaved parents; Relationships; Support following loss;
Counselling interventions.
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS iii
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ABSTRACT .................................................................................................................................... ii
LIST OF TABLES ........................................................................................................................ vii
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ......................................................................................................... viii
DEDICATION ............................................................................................................................... ix
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION ................................................................................................. 10
Child Loss and Effects on Parents............................................................................................. 11
Loss and Romantic Relationship Dynamics.............................................................................. 14
Cause of Death .......................................................................................................................... 14
Common Terms ......................................................................................................................... 15
Bereavement. ......................................................................................................................... 15
Grief ....................................................................................................................................... 15
Mourning ............................................................................................................................... 16
Intimacy ................................................................................................................................. 17
Limitations of the Research....................................................................................................... 18
Current Study ............................................................................................................................ 19
CHAPTER TWO: LITERATURE REVIEW ............................................................................... 22
Theoretical Approaches to Grief ............................................................................................... 22
Psychodynamic ...................................................................................................................... 22
Attachment theory ................................................................................................................. 23
Continuing bonds ................................................................................................................... 25
Dual process model ............................................................................................................... 26
Cognitive stress and coping theory ........................................................................................ 26
Theoretical Approaches to Trauma ........................................................................................... 27
Couple adaptation to traumatic stress. ................................................................................... 27
Relational turbulence. ............................................................................................................ 28
Vulnerability stress adaptation model. .................................................................................. 29
Posttraumatic Growth ................................................................................................................ 30
Domains of change ................................................................................................................ 31
Organismic valuing tendency theory ..................................................................................... 33
Posttraumatic growth and loss ............................................................................................... 34
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS iv
Gendered Grieving .................................................................................................................... 35
Expressiveness ....................................................................................................................... 36
Instrumentality ....................................................................................................................... 36
Research studies. ................................................................................................................... 37
Criticisms of gendered grieving. ........................................................................................... 39
Male and female roles. ........................................................................................................... 42
Genetics. ................................................................................................................................ 44
Socialization and context. ...................................................................................................... 46
Discordant grieving. .................................................................................................................. 54
Relationships and Intimacy ....................................................................................................... 56
Conclusion ................................................................................................................................. 59
CHAPTER 3: METHODOLOGY ................................................................................................ 60
Phenomenology ......................................................................................................................... 60
Modifications ............................................................................................................................ 63
Rationale and Fit of Method...................................................................................................... 65
Procedures ................................................................................................................................. 66
Trustworthiness and Rigour ................................................................................................... 66
Participants ............................................................................................................................ 67
Data Collection .......................................................................................................................... 73
Data Analysis Strategy .............................................................................................................. 75
Summary of Actions.................................................................................................................. 79
Ethics ......................................................................................................................................... 80
CHAPTER 4: FINDINGS ............................................................................................................ 82
Key Findings ............................................................................................................................. 82
The relationship was affected ................................................................................................ 84
Communication significantly impacted the relationship ....................................................... 93
Grieving differences were evident between couples ........................................................... 110
Behaviour............................................................................................................................. 121
Individual grief affected the relationship ............................................................................. 131
Utilizing additional emotional outlets ................................................................................. 137
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS v
Sexual relationship with partner changed ............................................................................ 140
CHAPTER 5: DISCUSSION ...................................................................................................... 144
Summary of the Research Problem ......................................................................................... 144
Summary of Findings .............................................................................................................. 145
Key Findings ........................................................................................................................... 147
Relational change ................................................................................................................ 147
Communication and intimacy. ............................................................................................. 151
Supports outside the relationship ......................................................................................... 154
Sexuality .............................................................................................................................. 156
Asynchronous grieving ........................................................................................................ 157
Active and passive grieving ................................................................................................. 158
Additional relationship factors ............................................................................................ 159
Continuing bonds ................................................................................................................. 160
Gendered grieving differences ............................................................................................. 161
Grief as consuming .............................................................................................................. 164
Theoretical Implications .......................................................................................................... 166
Counselling Implications......................................................................................................... 172
Study Limitations .................................................................................................................... 178
Conclusion ............................................................................................................................... 182
REFERENCES ........................................................................................................................... 186
Appendix A: Recruitment Poster ................................................................................................ 203
Appendix B: Verbal Recruitment – Script with Community Centre Employees ....................... 204
Appendix C: Telephone Script.................................................................................................... 205
Appendix D: Screening for Suicide Ideation or Suicide Risk .................................................... 207
Appendix E: Counselling Contact Information .......................................................................... 208
Appendix F: Participant Consent Form ...................................................................................... 209
Appendix G: Demographic Questions ........................................................................................ 211
Appendix H: Research Questions ............................................................................................... 212
Appendix I: Script for Member Checks ...................................................................................... 214
Appendix J: Bracketing............................................................................................................... 215
Appendix K: Confidentiality for Transcribing Assistant ............................................................ 216
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS vi
Appendix L: Confidentiality for Coding Assistant ..................................................................... 217
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS vii
LIST OF TABLES
Table 1. Participant Characteristics……………………………………………………………...69
Table 2. Children Characteristics………...………………………………………………….......70
Table 3. Relationship Characteristics at Time of Loss…………………………………………..72
Table 4. Relationship Characteristics at Time of Interview……………………………………..72
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS viii
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I’d like to thank the many people who have supported me through this endeavour and
through my academic journey over the years. First, thank you to my parents, Catherine and Al
Buhr. Thank you for checking in with me and for your confidence that I could overcome every
obstacle, even when I doubted! Also thank you to my Nana and Papa for also always believing
in me. Thank you to my friends who were always there whenever I needed encouragement along
the way, particularly my best friend, Kashia and her crew. To my MA graduate-school friends
Beth and Rydra. Thank you for keeping me sane! Even though you didn’t do a thesis, you were
with me as I pursued mine, and I hope you know how much I appreciated that!
Thank you to Jehan, for your work with the theme validation.
Thank you to my supervisors, Dr. Derrick Klaassen and Dr. Briana Goff. Derrick,
especially thank you for introducing me to this topic, for the time you spent providing feedback,
for your encouragement, and for your belief that it would all come together in the end – it did!
I would also like to thank my past mentors who have provided me with encouragement
and influence along the way. To Dr. Charles Beck, who developed the internship program to help
inspire undergraduate students in psychology, you provided me with the experience that
encouraged me to enter graduate school. To Deb Delorme and Fernando Larrea, for teaching
and believing in a young student. Also to my English teacher in high school, Miss Duggin.
Thank you for your instruction on psychology, it inspired me to learn more, and I became
fascinated by it. I never knew a high school class could have such impact, but yours really did.
Finally, a deep and heartfelt thank you to the participants. This study would not have
happened without you. I’m truly grateful for your time and contribution to the project and have
been truly touched and inspired.
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS ix
DEDICATION
To the participants.
I hope your stories teach others the way they have taught me,
Thank you for sharing.
LIVED EXPERIENCES AND CHILD LOSS 10
CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION
“I’m in the middle of a hurricane, in a tiny life raft.
My raft’s leaking badly; some days I’m sure I’ll go down….
I can see Tom, my husband out there.
He’s hanging on to a raft of his own,
but he’s too far away to reach.” (Rosof, 1994, p.4)
Every year, thousands of children pass away due to a variety of causes. Unintentional
accidents account for the leading cause of death among children and youth between the ages of
1-24 (Statistics Canada, 2009). For children under the age of 4, the number one cause of death
was cancer, the second, unintentional accidents, and the third, chromosomal abnormalities
(Statistics Canada, 2009). As children age, accidents and cancer remain prevalent; however,
suicide becomes more of a cause for concern. In youth between the ages of 15-24 the leading
causes of death were unintentional accidents, followed by suicide, and then cancer (Statistics
Canada, 2009).
Unfortunately, there has also been a turn of events within the previous decades that has
put children at risk as well. The school shooting at Columbine in Littleton, Colorado, which
occurred in 1999 (Encyclopedia Britannica, 2012) resulted in the loss of life for twelve youth,
and spurred copy-cat shootings at other schools in Taber, Alberta, Erfurt, Germany, and Red
Lake, Minnesota (Timeline, 2012). More recently there was a shooting at Sandy Hook
Elementary School, killing 20 children and 7 adults, which not only shocked the local
community, but millions of individuals around the world (The Associated Press, 2012).
Cumulatively, the top three causes of children’s fatalities, as well as the traumatic instances of