the Actual Real Reality of Jennifer James

229 Pages·2011·0.97 MB·English

by  Shields Gillian

Gillian Shields
The Actual Real Reality of Jennifer
James
Dedication
For Brian
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication

Cast list
August 31–September 5:
“You Are Ruining My Life!”
September 6–12:
Disgusted, Horrified, Sickened…
September 13–19:
Vote for Your MATES…
September 20–26:
“The Most Unpopular Girl in Our Year…”
September 27–October 3:
“Fate, Jennifer Dear, Fate…”
October 4–10:
This Love Thing…
October 11–17:
Humiliation and Possible Death…
October 18–24:
That Dress…
October 25–31:
Total Mega-Failure…
November 1–7:
What Is Going On…?
November 8–14:
So That Was the Good Bit…
November 15–21:
It’s All Getting Too Horribly Complicated…
November 22–28:
Moment of Ultimate Doom…
November 29–December 5:
“Jennifer James—Our Choice”
December 6–11:
“How Do I Love Thee…?”
Jennifer’s Poem
Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s Poem

Glossary of Britspeak
About the Author
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Cast List
THE HEROINE:
Jennifer James: Most Unpopular Person in her class, burdened by Brains and
Her Mother. Deep inside Jennifer is a Total Babe struggling to get out. Is in love
with Mr. Webster. Should be in love with Marcus Wright.
THE HERO:
Marcus Wright: Most gorgeous boy on the planet, irresistible to everyone except
Jennifer.
THE RIVAL:
Tallulah Perkins: Bosom on legs, has her claws into Marcus, hobby is
tormenting Jennifer.
THE HEROINE’S BEST (ONLY) FRIEND:
Vicki Rivera: A Mega-Babe, loyal, truthful, cool.
THE LOCATION:
London Road Comprehensive, Midcaster. Rubbish school in rubbish town.
THE VILLAINS:
Storm Young: TV producer with naff ponytail and supersize ego.
Miss Maybelline Moodie: Power-crazed deputy head at London Road.
THE TV PRESENTER:
Abi Sparkes: Ultra-gorgeous, ultra-brainy, ultra-nice.
THE PARENTS:
Mr. Eric James: Absentminded Scientist Dad with Heart of Gold.
Mrs. Sheila James: aka Jocasta, Serious Feminist, Serious Mother, Serious
Problem to Jennifer.
THE TEACHERS:
Mr. Orlando Webster: English. Groovy poet, thinks he’s the Johnny Depp of the
classroom. Jennifer’s Hero.
Mrs. Mandy Schuman: Drama. Drop-dead cool, totally wasted in Midcaster.
Mr. Potter: History. Disillusioned teacher with secret passion for camping.
Mr. Rock: Physical Education. Vile.
Mrs. Woolacott: Math. Seriously glams up for the cameras.
Mr. Barker: Art. Has a thing about punctuality.
Mrs. Stringer: Biology. Withered-up old stick.
Mrs. Clegg: Geography. Ditzy blond type.
Mr. Bill Smedley: Head of London Road Comprehensive, never turns up for
school.
AND INTRODUCING…
THE CELEBRITIES!!!
Celia Bunch: TV cook, the nation’s darling, never lets her puddings flop.
Professor Barbara Beer: One of those sneery intellecttual types.
Carrie Chaplin: Lifestyle guru to the rich and famous—you know, crystals and
horoscopes and stuff.
Seth Dale: TV soap star, wannabe pop star, world’s worst singer.
Sir Harvey Harvey: Olympic hero, possibly the last old-style “British Gent” left.
Lady Amelia Itchpole: No useful occupation, apart from being mega-rich.
Amanda Knox: Glamor model, big on Page 3 (tacky lingerie shots in tacky
newspapers), short on brain cells.
Julian Lambrusco-Llewellyn: Makeover maestro, all style and no substance.
Jeremy Lurcher: A member of Her Majesty’s Government before being detained
at Her Majesty’s Pleasure (chucked into prison) for dodgy dealings.
Freddie McCrum: Please refer to Lady Amelia Itchpole, only mega-stupid as
well as mega-rich.
Nazzer McNally: Verbally challenged ex-footballer.
Oggy Ogden: A living legend, the Granddaddy of Rock.

AND…
THE STUDENT CONTESTANTS!!!
Alice Redknapp: Gets angry and cries a lot. Chances Of Winning (COW): Not
all that good somehow.
Dwight Thingummybob: Gangsta rap dude. COW rating: He’s cool; innit?
Jennifer James: Our Heroine. COW rating: Less than mega-zero.
Julie Postlethwaite: Role model for plump girls. COW rating: Slender.
Little Ollie Cotton: Nice kid-brother type. COW rating: Aah, wouldn’t it be
sweet if he won?
Mattie and Maddie: Mega-identical twin sisters. COW rating: Double or
nothing.
Rabbit-Teeth Boy: Dentally challenged weirdo kid. COW rating: Not a hope in
hell, unless his mother votes for him like a million times.
Serena Dickinson: The Perfect Girl. COW rating: Super-hot favorite.
Sophie Simpson: Who?
Tallulah Perkins: You know who. COW rating: What a cow.
Will-with-the-Mohawk: Guy with guitar. COW rating: In with a chance.
…AND FINALLY!!!
The Goat: Um, well, kind of a goat actually…