Naked Pictures of Famous People

123 Pages·1998·1.332 MB·English

by  Jon Stewart

NAKED PICTURES
OF FAMOUS PEOPLE
JON STEWART

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Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page i
For my loves:
Tracey, Stan, and Shamsky, No offense, Sportscenter.
Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page ii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The following people contributed love, inspiration, support, advice, therapy, friendship, research,
money, criticism, pressure, name-calling, threats of physical violence or genetic material The
book could not have been completed without them, and yet, even with them, I still missed
deadlines.
Marian Leibowitz, Donald Leibowitz, Larry, Shelly, Benjamin and Abbey Leibowitz, Nathan
Laskin, Bob and Mary Spiegel, James Dixon, Jimmy Miller, Lee Stollman, Jeff Garlin, Matt
Labov, Peter Huyck, Alex Gregory, Adam Resnick, Michael Shore, Kyle Heller, Paul Nelson,
Bobby Cohen, Michael Klein, Denis Leary, Diane Dwyer, Chris McShane, Jill Liederman and
Dan Strone.
Special mention of thanks to my editor, Rob Weisbach. Without his skilled and persistent
knowledge I never would have developed gastrointestinal problems.
Tracey, I cannot express how much your love and support have meant. All I can do is promise
not to wake you at three in the morning to try.
Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page iii
CONTENTS
Breakfast At Kennedy's I 1
A Very Hanson Christmas, 1996-1999 7
Lack Of Power: The Ford Tapes 13
Martha Stewart's Vagina 25
The New Judaism 30
Pen Pals 38
Local News 44
The Last Supper, Or The Dead Waiter 46
Da Vinci: The Lost Notebook 51
The Cult 57
Five Under Five 65
The Recipe 70
The Devil And William Gates 74
Vincent And Theo On AOL 81
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold 89
Adolf Hitler: The Larry King Interview 95
Lenny Bruce: The Making Of A Sitcom 103
Microsoft Word '98 Suggested Spelling 109
And Usage

Naked Pictures of Famous People
Page iv
BREAKFAST AT KENNEDY'S
during the spring of 1935 I had the good fortune of making as my close acquaintance none
other than John F, (Jack) Kennedy* Jack and his roommate Lemoyne Billings (LeMoan, Jack
would say with an impish grin) were sixth-formers at the prestigious boarding school Choate,
where I was a struggling fourth-former. Jack was top dog at the school, much beloved for his
lightning wit and easy way with the ladies, but one sensed a sadness about him, A sadness that
came from being an outcast, the only Catholic at an all-Protestant boarding school. That's where
Jack and I bonded, I was the only Jew, My father ran the commissary so I was allowed to attend
school there. My room, or the Yeshiva, as Jack called it (he really wasn't prejudiced and would
often defend me to the others as a "terrific yid"), was a meeting place and a hotbed for hatching
great pranks ... I'm sure the ample supply of brisket and white-fish from Dad helped. Whatever it
was, Jack and I bonded and that spring break he invited Lem and me to visit with his family in
Hyannis. Lem, because he was Jack's best friend. "Big, ugly, retarded, chicken shit Lem," Jack
would winningly prod. And me—I guess because of our outcast bond ... and our similar views on
family and politics ... and I had a car.
I'm glad I kept this journal. I hope it gives the reader some sense of... not President Kennedy, not
Camelot, but the happy-go-lucky boy we knew—Jack.
APRIL 9, 1935
Trip gets off to a rocky start. I argued terribly with Father over the use of the family's Hudson.
It's our only car and my father felt he might need it to rush my younger brother to the doctor. He
recently contracted a form of typhus and the hospital is a good ten miles from campus. The
argument was quite heated. A "kikefight," Jack would expertly chide. Although my father
forbade me to take the car, Jack showed me how to start it without the keys and off we went.
Any ambivalent feelings I had were assuaged when Jack put his arm around me and said he
admired my pluck. "The Zippy Zionist," he would say, smartly using alliteration.
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