Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy PDF
Preview Is It Love or Is It Addiction: The book that changed the way we think about romance and intimacy
Is It Love or Is It Addiction? T H I R D E D I T I O N Hazelden Publishing Center City, Minnesota 55012 hazelden.org/bookstore © 1987, 1997, 2009 by Brenda Schaeffer All rights reserved. First edition published 1987 Second edition 1997. Third edition 2009 Printed in the United States of America No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise—without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Schaeffer, Brenda. Is it love or is it addiction? / Brenda Schaeffer.—3rd ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-1-59285-733-3 (softcover) E-book ISBN: 978-1-59285836-1 1. Relationship addiction. 2. Love. I. Title. RC552.R44S34 2009 158.2—dc22 2009004685 Editor’s note The vignettes in this book are composites of actual situations and persons. Those who wrote the autobiographies have given their permission and are real, although the names and some identifying events have been modified for purposes of confidentiality. Some names and events have been created by the author for illustrative purposes only. Any resemblance to specific persons, living or dead, or to specific events, is entirely coincidental. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals. 13 12 11 10 09 1 2 3 4 5 6 Cover design by Mary Ann Smith Interior design by Will H. Powers Typesetting by Madeline Berglund I dedicate the third edition to Dr. Barton Knapp, whose friendship, wisdom, and wit inspire me deeply; to my children, Heidi and Gordy, that they may know healthy love; to my father, Ralph Furtman, in gratitude for his steadfast support and caring; to my mother, Bernice Furtman, in acknowledgment of her permission to be all that I can be. May the souls of Bart and my parents know a peace they so deserve. A good book is a supple and yielding thing. It is meant to be argued with, challenged, marked up. It is a battle ground for ideas and should show some evidence of a fight or at least some preliminary skirmishes. It is good for igniting minds. It is not the be-all and end-all of a balanced and productive life, but it can touch off needed thoughts and action. NORMAN COUSINS, Human Options Contents Preface Acknowledgments Introduction I THE REALITY OF ADDICTIVE LOVE 1 The Power of Love Healthy Love Addiction Addictive Love Three Types of Addictive Love Love and the Unconscious Mind 2 The Roots of Addictive Love The Role of Biology The Role of Culture The Role of Technology The Role of Spiritual Quests Self-Actualization The Role of Psychology 3 The Psychology of Addictive Love A Psychological Understanding of Dependencies The Child Within: Addictive Dependency The Myths behind Addictive Love Addictive Love as a Response to Trauma II HOW DO I LOVE THEE? 4 Love Addiction Identifying Love Addiction Love Addiction and Health Twenty Signs of Love Addiction 5 Power Plays Power The Beginnings of Power Plays Twenty-Three Power Plays Options The Goal: Mutual Respect 6 Romance Addiction Romantic Love Romance Is Addicting Emotional Affairs Twenty Signs of Romance Addiction 7 Sex Addiction Dark Eros Sex as an Addiction What Is Sexual Addiction? Twenty Signs of Sexual Addiction/Compulsivity Moving On III HOPE FOR TOMORROW 8 Healthy Belonging Our Need for Others Twenty Signs of Healthy Belonging Power Sharing 9 From Addiction to Love The Way Out Out of Addiction and into Healthy Love: The Process From Addiction to Healthy Love: A Story Sometimes, We Need to Let Go 10 Helping Yourself Out of Addictive Love The Self-Help Method Awareness Exercise: Admitting ThatAddictive Love Plays a Role in Your Life Assessment Exercises: Discoveringthe Extent of Your Addiction Decision Exercises: Using Your Personal Powerto Move Out of Addiction Exploration Exercises: Examining Your Personal Fears, Myths, and Trauma History Reprogramming Exercises: Letting Go of the Old, Embracing the New Renewal Exercises: Moving toward Mature Love Expansion Exercises: Developing Personal Uniqueness Notes Bibliography Resources for Further Information Resources for Support About the Author Preface I am excited to present the third edition of Is It Love or Is It Addiction?—not because anything from the first two editions has been invalidated, but because there is so much fresh information to prop up what I have said in earlier editions. In some ways this is a totally new book, and so it should be, as the study of addictive love continues to develop and a new generation of lovers presents itself. New brain research and imaging now support that our attachments, attractions, and sexual drives are unique and how they can be used to self- medicate some obscure need within us. Technology has changed the way we relate to love, sex, and romance, whether for good or bad. And pending scientific research is providing evidence that, indeed, love makes the world go ’round. When this book was first published in 1987, the idea of love, romance, and sex as addictions was new and quite controversial. There were few places where people suffering with love addiction could go and be taken seriously. Some addiction specialists and clinicians questioned whether a process such as sex, love, or romance (as opposed to a substance such as cocaine or nicotine) could be addicting at all. Today, there are more professionals taking these process addictions seriously, there are inpatient and outpatient programs for them, and there are viable training programs that help therapists work with them. And because of the public attention sex addiction is now getting, the proliferation of books about it, and the organization of professionals behind it, sex addiction has become well known. Just as the study and science of addictive love has evolved over the past twenty years, so, too, has my experience and knowledge of the subject. I gave my first lecture on addictive love in the early 1980s. I had been invited by a local treatment center to give an evening lecture. It was a blustery, cold evening with blizzard warnings out, and I almost cancelled. But considering that some might already be on their way to the lecture, I decided it was important to be there. When I arrived, I was amazed to find an auditorium overflowing with people. Some who had made the harsh journey out that night had to listen and watch from a cafeteria monitor. The title of my presentation was “Love and Other Addictions.” The first edition of this book grew directly from that lecture. Its phenomenal
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