I Am Not Myself These Days: A Memoir (P.S.)

324 Pages·2008·1.02 MB·English

by  Josh Kilmer-Purcell

I Am Not
Myself
These Days
A Memoir
J K -P
OSH ILMER URCELL
For Brent, who wants you to know that he had nothing to
do with any events in this story. (But, I assure you, has
everything to do with its happy ending.)
Let the wenches dawdle in such dress
As they are used to wear, and let the boys
Bring flowers in last month’s newspapers.
Let be be finale of seem.
The only emperor is the emperor of ice-cream.
“THE EMPEROR OF ICE-CREAM”
—WALLACE STEVENS

Contents
Epigraph iii
Prologue
I’m freezing. The door to the balcony is wide open. 1
Book I 5
1
I’ve just dropped my vodka glass and am having that… 7
2
Coming to” and “sobering up” are two distinctly different
States… 13
3
White. 35
4
I’m working the door at Jaguar, a small club two… 41
5
Maybe I could do what you do?” I say to... 51
6
I drop my keys onto the sidewalk for the second… 59
Book II 79
7
The Tempest has passed. So to speak. 81
8
It’s two nights after my party and somehow I’ve recovered… 97
9
Even though we had prepared for weeks, the morning of… 115
10
I am not an alcoholic. I’m a social catalyst. People… 129
11
This is how I become not me: 139
12
I double-check the address that Jack had written on the… 159
13
Jack and I watch Blue’s Clues every morning. Or at… 171
14
Here’s what I don’t like about Japan: there are thousands… 179
15
The apartment is a shithole. 185
Book III 189
16
Why didn’t you call me? I told you to come… 191
17
It’s just the TV,” I tell my mother on the… 197
18
It’s a week of cactuses and hearts. 207
19
I can’t stand silence. 221
20
Contestant, make your choice, I think to myself stepping out… 225
21
Thanksgiving. 237
22
What do you mean he won’t talk to you?” Laura… 247
23
Look. It’s obvious I’m fucking things up,” Jack says, sitting… 253
24
Isn’t it Boxing Day or something? Shouldn’t you be home… 259
25
I’m surprised at how not empty the apartment feels once… 279
26
This is what I am dreaming: 285
27
Every vodka has a story. And the ending is reliably… 287
Epilogue
Hugs and Fishes. 301
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Praise
Credits
Cover
Copyright
About the Publisher