I am America (and so can you!)

256 Pages·2012·3.85 MB·English

by  Stephen Colbert

I AM AMERICA
(AND SO CAN YOU!)
WRITTEN AND EDITED BY
Stephen Colbert
Richard Dahm
Paul Dinello
Allison Silverman
WRITERS
Michael Brumm, Eric Drydale, Rob Dubbin, Glenn Eichler,
Peter Grosz, Peter Gwinn, Jay Katsir, Laura Krafft, Frank
Lesser, Tom Purcell
PRODUCED BY
Meredith Bennett
DESIGNED BY
Doyle Partners
SPECIAL THANKS
Andro Buneta, Jake Chessum, Alex Cooley, Kris Long
C
opy
right
© 2007
by Spartina
Productions,
Inc. All rights
reserved. Except
as permitted under
the U.S. Copyright Act
of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced,
distributed, or transmitted
in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or
retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the
publisher. Grand Central Publishing Hachette Book Group
USA 237 Park Avenue New York, NY 10017 Visit our Web
site at
www.HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.
Grand Central Publishing is a division of
Hachette Book Group USA, Inc.
The Grand Central Publishing name
and logo is a trademark of
Hachette Book
Group USA,
Inc.
ISBN: 978-0-446-40779-3
LCCN: 2007931321 To America
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTION
Featuring Hello and Other Thoughts ix
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK xii
MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD
3
CHAPTER ONE
THE FAMILY
So Help Me God, I Will Turn This Book Around Right
Here 5
CHAPTER TWO
OLD PEOPLE
Your Glasses Are on Top of Your Head
21
CHAPTER THREE
ANIMALS
Marking My Territory
31
CHAPTER FOUR
RELIGION
Accepting Jesus As My Personal Editor
45
MY AMERICAN ADOLESCENCE
69
CHAPTER FIVE
SPORTS
When It’s Okay to Shower With Men
71
CHAPTER SIX
SEX & DATING
1001 Abstinence Positions
87
CHAPTER SEVEN
HOMOSEXUALS
Do Not Read By Glowstick Light
107
CHAPTER EIGHT
HIGHER EDUCATION
Smarties Pantsed
CHAPTER NINE
HOLLYWOOD
Lights! Camera! Treason! 131
MY AMERICAN MATURITY
149
CHAPTER TEN
THE MEDIA
Stop the Presses! Forever! 151
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CLASS WAR
Let Them Buy Cake for a Change 161
CHAPTER TWELVE
RACE
Fact or Fiction?
171
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IMMIGRANTS
No Way, Jose
181
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
SCIENCE
Thanks for the Nukes, Now Go Away 191
A NOTE TO THE FUTURE Instructions on How to Defrost
My Head 209
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED? 213
HOW TO RETIRE THIS BOOK 216
APPENDIX
The White House Correspondents’ Dinner 218
INDEX
fig 1. STEPHEN
COLBERT
AM NO FAN OF BOOKS. AND CHANCES
I
ARE, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, YOU AND I SHARE A
HEALTHY SKEPTICISM ABOUT THE PRINTED
WORD. WELL,
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE FIRST
BOOK
How many American Flags can you find in this
paragraph?
I’VE EVER WRITTEN, AND I HOPE IT’S THE FIRST
BOOK YOU’VE EVER READ. DON’T MAKE A HABIT
OF IT.
Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me,
“Stephen, if you don’t like books, why did you write one?”
You just asked yourself a trick question. I didn’t write it. I
dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the
Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and
said, “Sell this.” He’s the one who turned it into a book. It’s
his funeral.
But I get your “drift.” Why even dictate?
Well, like a lot of other dictators, there is one man’s opinion
I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of
opinions. I’m like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at
the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast
enough.
In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my
ability to document myself. I thought my nightly broadcast,
The Colbert Report (check your local
Sorry margin-huggers, but I’ve got some
opinions over here, too. Deal with it.1
listings), would pick up some of the slack. But here’s the
dirty little secret. When the cameras go off, I’m still talking.
And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed
on barren ground. Well no more. It’s time to impregnate this
country with my mind.
1 Yep, down here too. ix You will need your confirmation
number to log in
Half an hour not enough
It’s going to be you
Don’t put this book down
Rides cost money
See, at one time America was pure. Men were men,
women were women, and gays were “confirmed
bachelors.” But somewhere around the late 60’s, it became
“groovy” to “let it all hang out” while you “kept on truckin’”
stopping only to “give a hoot.” And today, Lady Liberty is
under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs,
and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing “facts”
like so many locusts descending on America’s crop of ripe,
tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell
you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.2
I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that,
together, I was going to change the world, and I’ve kept up
my end of the bargain. But it’s not changing fast enough.
Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From
France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty
minutes a night to fix everything that’s destroying America,
and that’s where this book comes in. It’s not just some
collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts.
That’s the coward’s way out.
This book is Truth. My Truth.
I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either
accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because
somebody might get hurt, and it’s not going to be me.
Think you can handle it?
I’m scared of Koreans.
Bam! That’s me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No
editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don’t
even think it, I just say it.
Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay.
See? I’m not pulling any punches. I’m telling it like it is. Get
used to it or put this book down. Because this book is for
America’s Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people
who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who
borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then
welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying
library card-carriers. For the record, we’re not offering this
book to libraries. No free rides.
Okay, now it’s my turn to ask a question: What do I want
from you?
x
2 I’m going to take a second here to praise the work of
Monsanto. Good people. Doing a fine job protecting our
nation’s food supplies with their insect-resistant
Frankenstein corn. They don’t coddle pests and I respect
that.
Good question.
Thank you
Just because I haven’t put a lot of thought into this book
doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I want you to read this book
carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize pertinent passages.
Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course.
Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a
Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding
Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I
did absolutely no research.
I didn’t need to. The only research I needed was a long hard
look in the mirror. For this book is My Story and, as such, it
is the American Story.
I am reminded of the words of Walt Whitman, the
nineteenth-century poet, naturalist, and all around man’s
man, who, through his epic lyricism, defined the character
of this new nation. He said,
“I celebrate myself, and sing myself,
And what I assume, you shall assume.”
That “I” he was talking about? It’s me.
Bottom line: Read this book. Be me.
I Am America (And So Can You!)
fig 2. AMERICA
xi
Minus the Fruited Plains.
Minus the Fruited Plains.
Homosexuals)
by Stephen Colbert
HOW TO READ THIS BOOK
By purchasing I Am America (And So Can You!), you have
agreed to treat this book with the Accepted Minimum
Standard of Respect, as follows:
• This book should never be marked or notated. This
means no highlighting, Got it? underlining, or margin
doodles.
• This book should never be used as a coaster, to right a
wobbly table, in lieu of a hammer, a fly swatter, an umbrella,
or a fan.
• No image of me should ever be removed from this book
for any purpose, including, but not exclusively: book reports,
decorating walls, or placing in your wallet to imply our
friendship.
• Never press any sort of flowery foliage between pages.
I’m allergic.
• Start with a First Edition and be diligent in upgrading
when new editions are available.
• May be used to swear in those about to offer testimony if
a Bible is not readily available.
• This book should never have the midsection carved away
in order to conceal a weapon or jewelry. Those items
should be stored either inside the taxidermy heads hanging
in the trophy room or in the safe behind the painting in the
study.
• This book is the responsibility of the purchaser—Never
Loan Out.
• Ladies may not balance this book on their heads in order
to better their posture nor steady their hands when applying
polish. C’mon, ladies! You know better than that.
• Never dog-ear! Use the Ribbon to mark pages. The
Ribbon is included in First Editions only! If the book you are
reading has a Ribbon and is an official authorized First
Edition, the “F” on the ribbon should be in large script type,
like this:
F
If not, you are holding a Chinese counterfeit. Are you still in
the store? The man behind the counter is a pirate. He might
as well have an eye patch and a parrot! Don’t panic. Just
keep smiling and nodding as if there is nothing wrong.
That’s it, nod and smile! Good. Now first, buy the book,
and then call the police.
• If your book does not have a Ribbon, these are the
appropriate alternate items to mark your place in the book:
• Money (nothing less than a twenty)
• Another copy of this book.
xii
Place this sign by your front entrance where
firefighters can see it.
Part One
MY AMERICAN CHILDHOOD
My earliest memory is from when I was three years old. My
mother came into my room—I can still smell the perfume
she was wearing, which I assume they don’t make
anymore, because I’ve spent a lot of time in department
stores looking for it. She swooped me up and told me that
she and my father were leaving me.
Then she carried me to the living room to meet Ruth. I was
not entirely clear on what a “babysitter” was, so I naturally
assumed this old woman was going to replace my parents
forever. I was not on board with this plan.
I may have been only three years old, but I already knew
that a family was a mother, a father, the kids and the pets—
there was no room in that model for an ancient crone
wearing slacks and (in my opinion) too many rings.
The minute my parents left, I ordered my stuffed animals to
attack. No response. I threw them down the laundry chute
and tried my luck with a real animal: our cat, Cleopatra. I
carried her to my Emergency Bunker—the linen closet
behind the vacuum cleaner. From there we could lead the
resistance against this new Ruth Regime.
That’s when the enemy struck. Ruth was making fish sticks.
I held Cleopatra close, but she scratched my face and
dashed for the kitchen.
Desperate, I started praying—mostly to God, although it’s