Table Of Content

Dr. JOHN TOWNSEND how to have that DIFFICULT CONVERSATION YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING with your Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries Boundaries Workbook Boundaries audio Boundaries video curriculum Boundaries in Dating Boundaries in Dating Workbook Boundaries in Dating audio Boundaries in Dating curriculum Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries in Marriage Workbook Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries in Marriage curriculum Boundaries with Kids Boundaries with Kids Workbook Boundaries with Kids audio Boundaries with Kids curriculum Changes That Heal (Cloud) Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud) Changes That Heal audio (Cloud) Hiding from Love (Townsend) How People Grow How People Grow Workbook How People Grow audio How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding Making Small Groups Work Making Small Groups Work audio The Mom Factor The Mom Factor Workbook Raising Great Kids Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers Raising Great Kids audio Safe People Safe People Workbook 12 “Christ ian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy Dr. HENRY CLOUD DDr.. JJOOHHNN TTOOWWNNSSEENNDD how to have that DIFFICULT CONVERSATION YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING with your SPOUSE • ADULT CHILD FAMILY • BOSS • COWORKER FRIEND • PARENT or SOMEONE YOU’RE DATING formerly titled boundaries face to face How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding Adobe Acrobat eBook Reader™ Format Copyright © 2003, 2005 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Formerly titled: Boundaries Face to Face Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 ISBN-13: 978-0-31-031963-4 ISBN-10: 0-310-31963-3 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Italics in Scripture quotations are added by the authors for emphasis. Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, © Copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation. The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you. These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part of Zondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photo- copy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000, Literary Agent, Orange, CA. Interior design by Beth Shagene To all those who seek to make truthful conversations a central part of all their relationships. Contents Confident Confrontations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 Part I Why You Need to Have That Difficult Conversation 1 The Talk Can Change Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 16 2 The Benefits of a Good Conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21 Part II The Essentials of a Good Conversation 3 Be Emotionally Present . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 4 Be Clear about “You” and “I”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 5 Clarify the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 42 6 Balance Grace and Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 45 7 Stay on Task . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48 8 Use the Formula, When You Do “A,” I Feel “B” . . . . . . . . . 52 9 Affirm and Validate. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55 10 Apologize for Your Part in the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60 11 Avoid “Shoulds”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63 12 Be an Agent for Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67 13 Be Specific . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71 14 Differentiate between Forgiving and Trusting . . . . . . . . . . 75 Part III Seeing How It’s Done 15 Telling People What You Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82 16 Making Someone Aware of a Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 104 17 Stopping a Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 127 18 Dealing with Blame, Counterattack, and Other Problems . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158 Part IV Getting Yourself Ready to Have the Conversation 19 Why You Need to Be Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 184 20 How to Get Ready . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189 Part V Having the Difficult Conversation with People in Your Life 21 With Your Spouse . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 208 22 With Someone You’re Dating . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220 23 With Your Child . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233 24 With Your Parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 244 25 With Adult Children . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257 26 At Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 265 27 With People in Authority . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 277 Speaking the Truth in Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 288 Small Group Dicussion Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 292 Acknowledgments S ealy Yates, our agent, for his own commitment to truth and love. Scott Bolinder, our publisher, for supporting and partnering with us in this work. Sandy Vander Zicht, our editor, for her expertise and her genu- ine care about seeing people grow and mature. Maureen Price, director of Cloud-Townsend Resources, for her appreciation for the value of boundaries face-to-face. Denis Beausejour, director of Answers for Life, for his vision and commitment to the process of helping others find Christ and expe- rience the life Christ designed. The attendees of Monday Night Solutions in Irvine, California, for their faithfulness in seeking God and helping us develop the concepts that ended up in this book. 9 Confident Confrontations W e never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do. Although we knew through our clinical work that many p eople identify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had no idea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels the need for better boundaries at one time or another. Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relationship, such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who is irre- sponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figure out what demands of life to say no to so we won’t overextend ourselves. At still other times we need to work out better patterns of intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship, or take a stand for our values in a difficult one. Still other times, we might need to keep someone from taking over more of our time, energy, and resources than we would like to give. There are many, many different contexts of life in which we need to exercise good boundaries. For people who care, setting those boundaries can be tough. So it really is no surprise that Boundaries has found such a ready audience. As a result of the book’s following, we find ourselves speaking to tens of thousands of people directly every year and literally millions through our radio program. When we talk to people, the theme of dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolving relational issues is always on the forefront of people’s minds. As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling p eople that they should have a direct conversation with the person with whom they have the problem. They repeatedly say either, “I’ve 10