Games great lovers play : mastering the game of love

276 Pages·2004·8.034 MB·English

by  L Michael Hall

Would you like to get to the Heart ofLove?
Then Buy, Read, and Absorb
GAMES GREATLOVERS PLAY
Love is about yourframes ofmind. It's your mental and emotional
frames thatdetennine yourthought-and-feelings oflove, about love
and loving, and about all of the facets that affect love-differences,
bonding, connecting, communication, conflicting, forgiving,
caring, listening, playing, and pleasuring. Do you have theframes
ofmind and meaning that enable you to operate out of a rich and
loving Matrix? Games GreatLoversPlaywill expose the old games
that don't work and invite you into some new that will powerfully
enhance your loving. Your lover will love you for it!
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D., cognitive behavior psychologist, best
selling author, researcher, and international trainer, who developed
the Meta-States model and co
founded Neuro-Semantics, has now
applied Frame Games to relating and
bonding.
Based on the revolutionary Frame
Games model, this application book
will help you transfonn your inner
game of frames... for a brand new
performance in your outer game of
Love.
GAMES
GREAT
LOVERS
PLAY
Mastering the Game ofLove
L. Michael Hall, Ph.D.
© 2004, L Michael Hall, Ph.D.
Games Great Lovers Play
CopyrightPending, Wash. D.C.
No part of this material is to be copied without express written
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No part ofthis may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
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thepublisher.
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Author: L. Michael Hall,Ph.D.
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Games Great Lovers Play
Table ofContent
Foreword 3 TheoreticalFrameworks 199
16:Connecting 200
TheBondingGame
Introduction
I: GamesandGreatLovers 12
17:Centering 211
TheInter-DependenceGame
The Games
2: TheDanceofRomance 22 18:Co-CreatingResponsiveness 226
TheResponsiveGame
3: TheDanceofAttraction 36
19:Coalescing 247
4: TheFill-Me UpDance 50 TheMergingofWorldsGame
EmotionalBankAccountGame
5: TheSelf-DisclosureGame 61 LettheGamesBegin 256
SummaryofGames
6: TheDanceofAppreciation 70
7: CommunicatingLoveDance 86
8: TheDanceofGettinginSync 99 Appendices
9:TheDanceofConsciousLoving127 A:NLPandNeuro-Semantics 259
B:FromPleasuringtoDe-Pleasuring
10: TheDanceofPleasure 134 TheDe-PleasuringPattern 262
C:FrameGameAnalysis 265
II: TheDanceofSexualPleasuring
143
Bibliography 270
12: TheDanceofHealthyFighting Author 272
153
13: TheRulesoftheFightingGame
163
14: TheDanceofALovethatHeals
176
IS: TheDanceofHealingThresholds
187
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FOREWORD
Exploringthe Magic ofLove
Love works magic. Intuitively, we all know that love works magic in
ourhearts. Whether itis the loveofamother for a newborn, the love
ofaman forawoman,theloveoftwo life-longfriends, orthe lovethat
we feel forourpets, lovedoesmagical andwonderful thingswithinus.
Like what? Whatdoes lovedo?
Love warms our hearts inviting us to care about others in new ways.
Lovemovesustoextendourselvesforthesakeofanother. Lovecauses
ustomeltinappreciationforanother's kindnesses. Loveevokesawein
us ofthe mystery and majesty in another. Love transforms us. Love
movesustobecomemorereal,moreauthentic,andmorehuman. Love
validatesusandallowsustoesteemourselvesmorefully. Andbecause
love does these wonderfully magical things withinus, we ask:
• How do we promote such love in ourhearts?
• Howcan wemake loveourhighestframe ofmind as we relate
to ourspecial one?
• How can we discover and play the bestLove Games?
• How can we win at the Games ofLove?
This transforn1ative magic oflove stimulates our curious fascination,
does it not? As apsychologist, it's obvious that the very state oflove
offers an incredible power for transformation. Ifonly I could enable
clients to fully access this state! I have worked with hundreds of
couplestore-ignitethisveryqualitywhentheirrelationshipormarriage
became troubled. As a dynamic for change, love transcends all
psychological techniquesforturningarelationship around. Yetloveis
aprinciple and experiencethatpsychology has only begun to probe:
• How does the magic oflove work?
• How does itdo such magical things inourhearts and lives?
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CarnesCrealLoversPlay Foreword
• Howcan we tap into its power?
• How can we becomemore loving aspersons?
• Howcan we learn toplaythe GamesofLove?
• Whatare the Games that Great Loversplay?
What's in This Book?
Games Great Lovers Play is a book about how to love-how toplay,
enjoy. andwin atthe GamesofLove. Ifyou're interestedin that-this
book is for you. This book is based on two models: NLP and Neuro
Semantics.
Neuro-LinguisticProgramming(NLP)I,amodelabouthowtorunyour
ownbrainand howto nurtureyourbestmind-bodystates. Inthisbook
Ifocusonthosemind-body-and-emotional statesthatsupportlove. As
acommunicationmodel, NLPfocuses on howwecommunicatewithin
ourselves to create our"sense ofreality." Our sense ofreality arises
from our map ofreality (our model ofthe world) and is made up of
hundreds ifnot thousands offrames. And as a map, our map frames
allowustogocertainplacesand formatwhatwecanexperience. From
the map, we experience the territory as we do. Sometimes this makes
for wonderful loving experiences, sometimes it creates living hells.
NLPenablesustobecomemindfulaboutbothsothatwecanchooseto
reframe ourmaps and createricherand more magical experiences.
Yet our maps about love arejust that-maps. They are no more real
thanyouandIgivethemreality. Theyarejustframesofunderstanding,
beliefs, values, memories, imaginations, etc. And because they are
inventedmaps,wecanalterthemsothattheywillmoreeffectivelywork
forus. Games GreatLoversPlay isaboutidentifyingyourLove Maps
and altering them so that you can have a greater and richer and more
resourceful experienceofloving.
I began applying NLP to relationships in the late 1980s. I packaged
what I knew ofNLP at that time into a ten-week training, The Love
Workshop. Idesigned itto enhance the romance ofloversbyfocusing
on-
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GamesGreatLoversPlay Foreword
• Connecting and creatingrapportwith each other.
• Recognizing ourdifferentmental maps asjustmaps.
• Workingwithourbeliefmapsaboutloveandabouttheprocess
ofloving.
• Learninghowto evoke the best in ourpartner.
• Restoring love when there has been hurt and disappointment.
Neuro-Semantics is the other model. Neuro-Semantics isall aboutthe
meanings(semantics)thatweincorporateinourbodies(neurology). It's
about how we create and install meanings-embodied meanings that
govern our feelings, actions, conversation, and sense ofreality. Our
neuro-semantics,asourstatesandlayersofembeddedstates,operateas
ourmind-bodymaps. Andit'sthesemapsthatdeterminehowwegeton
in the world aswe navigate through ourexperiencesusing ourmaps.2
Is There aStructureto Love's Magic?
The premise ofNeuro-Semantics and Neuro-Linguistics3 is that every
experience has astructure. Experiencesdo notjusthappen. Thereisa
structure, process, and form to them. Where there isstructure, there is
order, sequence, andsyntax to the framework processes. Theseare the
prerequisite structures that allow certain things to happen. The magic
ofeveryexperience has an incantation.4Thosewho know howto"cast
thespell"canhavetheexperience.AreyoureadyforsomeLoveSpells?
Love,asastateandexperience,hasaform. There'sastructureto love,
to passion, to intimacy, to romance, to bonding ... and sadly, to dis
bonding, to hate, resentment, regret, etc. There's an incantation to
becomingandremainingagreatlover. Todiscoverthatspellandtocast
it on ourselves enables us to playthe Love Game.
During the past three decades, researchers and developers in NLP and
Neuro-Semanticshavebusiedthemselves lookingfor, andarticulating,
the structure of magic in therapeutic language, business excellence,
expertiseintraining,managing,negotiating,andselling,aswellashigh
level skillsineducation, law,and marketing. We have evengoneafter
the structure of various pathological experiences-schizophrenia,
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GamesGrearLoversPlay Foreword
multiple personalities, etc.
Yetoneofthe most magical and mysterious experiences around today
remains. It's notthat many have not attempted the exploration. Many
have. And many people have identified many ofits sparkling facets.
Yetnoexperiencecontinuestoremainas inarticulateand indescribable
as the love phenomenonthatoccursbetweenaman and awoman. We
call that phenomenon love. We notice how love binds them mind,
emotion, body, and soul. We speak about them becoming soul-mates.
• How does this work?
• Whatexplains how itarises and grows?
• How do we narrate theprocess bywhich acoupleexperiences
this magic?
• Why does itsometimes stop?
• Whatdrives this experience?
• Why are some peopleso afraid ofit?
• Why do so many take suchacynical attitude toward it?
• Howcanweunderstandnotonlyhowitworks,butitsstructure?
Accessing the Best Love States
At the heartofthe experienceoflovebetweenawoman and aman lies
various emotional states. When you love, or are "in love," you
experience excitement, desire, appreciation, admiration, compassion,
gentleness, generosity, magnanimity, transcendence, loyalty, wonder,
exploration, support, empathy,joy, playfulness, andmanymore.
Isthatall? Doesthatputacaponthemysteryoflove? No. That'sjust
the beginning. Love, and especially romantic love--eoupling love
-involvesmuch more than thatas you will soon discover.
UsingtheNLPandNeuro-Semanticmodels,Ihavesoughttounpackthe
wonderofalovingrelationship so thatwe can model itand replicate it
in our own lives. Will this reduce the magic? No. Not at all. It
actually leadstoadeeperandmoreprofoundappreciation. Ultimately,
after we expand our understanding ofthe role ofall the frames and
gamesthatmakeuptheGameofLove,afterwearticulatethevaluesand
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GamesGreatLoversPlay Foreword
beliefs, the visions and dreams, the meta-levels and the meta-states,
there is still the experience ofdeeply loving andfeeling in sync with
anotherperson.
Here you will read about how we can fall in love and let love and
appreciationguideoureverydaylivestoconveyaveryspecial senseof
the specialness ofconnecting and bonding with a like-soul. Here you
will read about many ofthe prerequisites for a fulfilling love life with
thatspecialonethatyoucommityourselfto. Andyet... when all issaid
... beyondall ofthosewords ... liestheexperienceitself. theexperience
ofa loving bond with the mind-heart body andsoulofanother. May
yourexperience be arich and rewarding one.
IfLoveis aGame-HowCan IPlay?
• IfLovewas agame, whatgames are youplaying?
• How well are youplaying those games?
• Areyou winning atthe gameoflove?
• Are the one's you love also winning at the game?
• Do you like the gamesthat you'replaying?
• Where did you learn to play those games?
• What are the rules ofthe games?
Theseare butafew ofthequestionsthatariseswhenwebeginwiththe
metaphor ofa "game" and apply it to the way we relate when we are
lovingandbeingloved.
"Games" simply refer to all of the things that we do. Our actions,
behaviors, relational patterns, the talk, and all ofthe expressions that
make up our transactions with others. These are our outer games.
"Frames" refer to our mental understandings, beliefs, values,
expectations and comprisethe rules ofthe game. Frames makeup the
inner games we play in our mind. There are healthy and empowering
games and there areunhealthy, toxic, and sickgames.
Games, as an idea and a metaphor, gives us the ability to quickly
recognizethe setofinteractionsandto evaluatehowwell theywork in
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