For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women PDF
Preview For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women
Contents Title Page Dedication Note to Women Readers 1 Rethinking Random Why you need a new map of the female universe 2 The Deal Is Never Closed Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”—and what to do about it 3 Windows…Open! What you should know about the fabulous female brain (a guide for lower life forms) 4 Your Real Job Is Closer to Home How your provider/protector instinct can leave her feeling more unsafe and less cared for 5 Listening Is the Solution Why her feeling about the problem is the problem, and how to fix your urge to fix 6 With Sex, Her “No” Doesn’t Mean You How her desires are impacted by her unique wiring, and why your ego shouldn’t be 7 The Girl in the Mirror What the little girl inside your woman is dying to hear from you—and how to guard your answer well 8 The Man She Had Hoped to Marry What the woman who loves you most, most wants you to know A Final Note… Citations Acknowledgments Want her to REALLY understand you? Praise for For Men Only Copyright To our parents; Who taught us through their example that working to understand one another is worth it A note from Shaunti, to women readers: I want to give a warm greeting—and an important caution—to any curious fellow females peeking in at what we’re telling guys about how we are wired! As Jeff and I have talked to couples about the subjects of both this book and my previous book, For Women Only, we’ve seen a need for caution in how men and women handle each other’s expectations afterward. Because men and women are processing these new findings about each other very, very differently. Women tend to process things by talking them through. So when women read or listen to the findings in For Women Only, they often turn to their husband or boyfriend and say (usually in astonishment), “Is this true?” Which leads to a lively conversation, and a feeling of new closeness with their man. Men, however, tend to process things by thinking them through, and not saying anything until they fully understand what they are thinking. So, when men read or listen to the findings in For Men Only, they usually get real quiet. They are processing internally, and simply aren’t capable of talking about it for some time—or maybe much at all. Which…doesn’t lead to a lively conversation! This key difference could lead to disappointment if women didn’t know to expect it. We could easily think, “He didn’t learn anything about me,” or even, “He must not care about me.” In our experience, neither is true. It is so hard to do, but if we women will let men have the time to process, we’ve found that while men may or may not talk about what they learned, they usually start doing it. So in the days and weeks after your loved one reads any part of this book, keep your eyes open to recognize and affirm when that happens! —Shaunti Like some guys I know, you might be tempted to skip this introduction and jump right to the sex chapter. And if you’re chuckling right now, it probably means you already did it. Or were about to. It’s not a bad choice, actually. Just a little self-defeating. If you’ve been in a committed relationship with a woman for more than, say, a day, you know that going just for what you want isn’t actually going to get you what you want for very long. A week, maybe? But let’s be honest—one of the main reasons you’re looking at this book is that you are trying to get something you want. Not sex (well, not just sex), but a more fulfilling, harmonious relationship with your wife, one that isn’t quite so hard or confusing. And the back cover gave you the wild idea that understanding her might actually be possible. Either that, or for some reason, the woman in question just handed you this book. Hmmm. Well, either way, take a look at the revelations we’ve uncovered. We think you’ll be convinced. Each chapter explains things about the woman you love that may have often left you feeling helpless, confused, or just plain angry. Each chapter points out simple, doable solutions. The only genius required is that you make a decision up front that you’re willing to think differently. This is a short book, but if you read it cover to cover, you’ll walk away with your eyes opened to things you may have never before understood about your wife or girlfriend. Each chapter points out simple, doable solutions. That’s what happened with me—Jeff. And I’m just your average, semi- confused guy. (Actually, sometimes totally confused is more accurate.) And since us average, semi-confused guys have to stick together, that’s why, even though Shaunti and I are both authoring this book, I’ll be the one doing most of the talking. First, Some Background In 2004 Shaunti published For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, which quickly became a bestseller. Based on a nationally representative survey, scores of focus groups, and other research, it opened women’s eyes to things that most of us guys had always wished our wives knew. Things like, most of us need to feel respected even more than loved. Or besides just getting enough sex, men also have a huge need to feel sexually desired by our wives. I’m not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked. To me, those revelations seemed obvious. But by the flood of letters from around the country —from both women and their grateful husbands—we’ve seen how much good can come when the opposite sex finally has their eyes opened to things they simply didn’t understand before. I’m not sure exactly why, but women everywhere were shocked by how men thought. In this book, the shock is on the other foot. Now it’s been Shaunti’s turn to say, over and over, “I can’t believe you didn’t already know that!” When Shaunti’s publisher first approached us about doing a companion to For Women Only to help men understand women, I had two major concerns. First, I didn’t think guys would read a “relationship” book since, for most of us, the last relationship book we read was in premarital counseling—and then only because we were forced to. But more to the point, I doubted that a woman could ever be understood. Compared to other complex matters—like the tides, say, or how to figure a baseball player’s ERA—women seemed unknowable. Random even. I explained my skepticism to one early focus group of women: Jeff: Guys tend to think that women are random. We think, I pulled this lever last week and got a certain reaction. But when I pulled that same lever this week, I got a totally different reaction. That’s random! Woman in group: But we aren’t random! If you pull the lever and get a different reaction, either you’re pulling a different lever, or you’re pulling it in a different way. Shaunti: What men need is a sort of map to their wives. Because we can be mapped. We can be known and understood terrain. Jeff: See, guys think of a woman as a swamp: You can’t see where you’re stepping, and sooner or later you just know you’re going to get stuck in quicksand. And the more you struggle to get free, the deeper you get sucked in. So every guy on the planet knows that the best thing to do is just shut down and hope somebody comes along to rescue you. When I came to, Shaunti and the other women in the focus group assured me —and I have since seen for myself—that guys don’t have to live in a swamp. That realization led us to the eventual subtitle of this book: “A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women.” “Guys think of a woman as a swamp: You can’t see where you’re stepping, and sooner or later you just know you’re going to get stuck in quicksand.”
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