First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors: Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and Adored for Life

222 Pages·2015·0.97 MB·English

by  Laura Doyle

Praise for First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors
“Laura Doyle truly understands how the modern marriage works. Her modern
approaches are eye-opening and marriage-saving!”
—John Gray, Ph.D., author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from
Venus
“Laura Doyle does it again with First, Kill All the Marriage Counselors, and this
time, she’s not alone. The anecdotes from other women underline her lesson:
women hold the key to improving our marriages.”
—Fawn Weaver, New York Times bestselling author of Happy Wives
Club
FIRST, KILL ALL
the
MARRIAGE COUNSELORS
FIRST, KILL ALL
the
MARRIAGE COUNSELORS
Modern-Day Secrets to Being Desired, Cherished, and
Adored for Life
Laura Doyle
New York Times Bestselling Author of
The Surrendered Wife
The Surrendered Single
Things Will Get as Good as You Can Stand

BenBella Books, Inc.
Dallas, Texas
Copyright © 2015 by Laura Doyle All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in
any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in
critical articles or reviews.
BenBella Books, Inc.
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Send feedback to [email protected]
First e-book edition: June 2015
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Doyle, Laura.
First, kill all the marriage counselors: modern-day secrets to being desired, cherished, and adored for life
/ Laura Doyle.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-1-940363-86-8 (paperback) — ISBN 978-1-940363-96-7 (electronic) 1. Marriage—
Psychological aspects. 2. Wives—Psychology. 3. Husbands— Psychology. 4. Man-woman relationships—
Psychological aspects. 5. Interpersonal conflict. 6. Interpersonal relations. I. Title.
HQ734.D788 2015
306.81—dc23
2014046311
Editing by Erin Kelley
Full cover design by Sarah Dombrowsky Text design by
Copyediting by Oriana Leckert Proofreading by Amy Zarkos
Publishers’ Design and Production Services, Inc.
and Cape Cod Compositors, Inc.
Text composition by Integra Software Services Pvt. Ltd.
Author photo by Tara Shannon Front cover design by Connie
Printed by Lake Book Manufacturing
Gabbert

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For all the certified coaches who have trained with me
because of their passion and commitment to their own
relationships and their desire to help other women. You
move me every single day. I couldn’t do what I do without
you. Thank you for sharing my vision to end world divorce
and standing shoulder to shoulder with me.

And for John, whose steady presence has helped me become
my best self.
Contents
Prologue: The Breakdown before the Breakthrough
Quiz: Can You Tell the Good Relationship Advice from the Bad Advice?
1 The Marriage Counselor Had No Clothes
2 Wives, Marriage Is Up to You
THE SIX INTIMACY SKILLS™
SKILL #1: Replenish Your Spirit with Self-Care
3 You Are Not a Smaller, Less-Hairy Man
4 The More You Know What You Want, the Better
5 Express Your Desires in a Way That Inspires
6 Happy Wives Phone a Friend
SKILL #2: Restore Respect
7 What Were You Thinking When You Said Yes to the Dress?
8 Your Husband Doesn’t Want Your Opinion
9 Why Wives Cause Most Divorces and What to Do Instead
10 Your Husband Is Smarter Than You Think
11 Pretend You Love Your Husband More Than Your Children
12 Dishonesty Is the Best Policy
SKILL #3: Relinquish Control of Your Man
13 Stay on Your Own Paper
14 Communication Is Overrated
15 Top 10 Ways to Control Your Husband (None of These Work)
16 Get Him to Do More by Doing Less
17 Your Husband Is Better with Money Than You Are
SKILL #4: Receive, Receive, Receive!
18 How to Get More Gifts, Compliments, and Help
SKILL #5: Reveal Your Heart with Vulnerability
19 What Made Your Man Fall for You (and Still Melts Him Every Time)
20 The Myth of Verbal Abuse
21 How to Get off the Fence and Be Happy about It
22 Why Sex Is Better When You’re Married (and What to Do If It’s Not)
SKILL #6: Refocus Your View with Gratitude
23 The Most Powerful Intimacy Skill of All
24 The Power of the Spouse-Fulfilling Prophecy
25 Ending World Divorce
Acknowledgments
About the Author
PROLOGUE
The Breakdown before the Breakthrough
“Every master was once a disaster.”
—T. Harv Ekert, Author and Motivational Speaker
My Husband Preferred Watching TV to Making Love
to Me
I’ve been known by many as the world’s most trusted intimacy expert for the
past fifteen years, but I started out as an unhappy wife. Everything in my
marriage was a mess. My husband John was distant and avoided spending time
with me. I was responsible for everything in our household because he couldn’t
seem to accomplish even the simplest tasks. We had a lot of big fights, with
silent cold wars in between. I was seriously considering divorce.
We went to marriage counseling, which only made things worse. But we
kept going anyway, because I couldn’t think of anything else to do.
We barely survived marriage counseling. It put us under more stress—not
less.
Here’s an example. One of the things that our counselor—let’s call her
Nicole—recommended was that John take a six-month break from working
because he hated his job so much. It would be like a sabbatical, except with no
promise that his job would still be there when he returned. I would support us
both in the interim.
I objected to this idea on the basis that it would be hard for us to get by
without John’s income. Nicole looked at me reproachfully and said, “This isn’t
just about money. Who do you think he is, Santa Claus?”
Of course I didn’t want John to be miserable at work, and we wanted to do
what she suggested since we were paying her for advice on how to improve our
marriage. So I’m embarrassed to admit that we went along with her stupid plan.
That’s how desperate we both felt.
As you can probably imagine, it didn’t go well. And it wasn’t just the
financial stress of the lost income that caused the pain, although that was
definitely a big part of it. The bigger issue was the way it exacerbated the very
problems we’d sought marriage counseling for in the first place.
At the time, I was already suffering from a superiority complex, thinking I
was smarter, more responsible, and more practical than John, to the point that I
had to do everything—from paying bills to making sure our cars were
maintained to setting up our dental appointments. With John on “sabbatical,” I
became the sole breadwinner too, while John took time to contemplate his navel.
I didn’t realize it then, but John was already feeling emasculated by my constant
nitpicking, critical comments, and disrespectful tone, and not contributing
financially only magnified that feeling.
Within the first month of this arrangement, I was in such terror about our
finances—not to mention thoroughly resentful that John was spending his time
relaxing while I did everything—that I insisted we end the experiment
immediately and he get a job. I raged at him every few days when he didn’t find
a job right away. Naturally he resented me more than ever for being so
controlling and oppressive, but I didn’t know how to stop.
Desperate for anything to help my marriage, I got the idea of asking women
who had been married a long time for their secrets. I decided to talk to women
who had been married at least fifteen years, because when you’ve been married
for six years and you’re miserable, fifteen years seems like a lifetime.
I was in for a real shock. What these women told me was so contrary to what
I thought I knew about relationships that it just didn’t make any sense. Still, I
was willing to try anything to avoid the cost, pain, and embarrassment of a
divorce, so I decided to give their suggestions a go. When some of those
seemingly crazy suggestions worked, I kept doing them.
It took a lot of practice to figure it all out, and I made some mistakes along
the way, but I ended up with six core skills that greatly improved the happiness
and connection between John and myself. I call these the Six Intimacy Skills.