Falling in Love: Why We Choose the Lovers We Choose, 2nd edition

304 Pages·2005·2.41 MB·English

by  Ayala Malach Pines

RT1879 half title page 5/17/05 9:51 AM Page 1
Falling in Love
Second Edition
PRAISE FOR THE FIRST EDITION
Ayala Pines teaches us about the love in our lives with a clinical
tour de force and a rich practical guide. Falling in Love is a
remarkable achievement that will shape our understanding of
love.
—Prof. Dale Larson, author of The Helper’s Journey
With the scholarship, wisdom and insight we have come to
expect from her, Ayala Pines sheds new light on perhaps the
most exciting and important of human endeavors. Falling in
Love is an important book and a good read.
—Prof. Elliot Aronson, author of The Social Animal
… addresses every conceivable aspect of the psychology of
mate selection and the material is intellectually stimulating.
—Publisher’s Weekly
A couples therapist’s clinical look at how and why we fall in
love removes some of the mystery from that most magical of
human experiences. Pines (Romantic Jealousy, 1992; Keeping
the Spark Alive, 1988), a social psychologist and researcher
who is also a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship
issues, tackles her subject from both perspectives. As a social
psychologist and researcher she analyzes how we fall in love;
her clinical experience and psychodynamic theories come
into play in the exploration of why we choose a particular
person. As to why we fall in love with a particular person,
Pines looks at various psychological theories and concludes
that an internal romantic image plays a key role in whom
we choose and that childhood experiences of love shape this
image. Not a how-to guide for the lovelorn but a serious,
research-oriented work of special interest to those involved in
couple therapy.
—Kirkus Review
What I like about her approach is it reminds us to “shine the
flashlight” more on ourselves than point fingers at partners
when relationships fail. Knowing yourself and why you have
certain attractions can prevent you from making the same
mistakes, she says. That’s a vast simplification of a complex
theory outlined in detail in her book, but it does make sense,
not to mention interesting reading.
—Tennessean
… she provides a trenchant analysis of this most exciting,
most significant experience without once diminishing its
“divine madness.”
—Foreword
If you expect no definitive answers on either the conscious or
unconscious nature of falling in love and making it work, if
you are looking for a plausible excuse to examine the intimate
relationships of those around you and, perhaps, your own,
if you’re interested in relationships in the abstract, whether
“true” in its conclusions or not, Falling in Love is a fascinating
book on an ever engrossing topic.
—Isadora Alman, San Francisco Bay Guardian
Falling in love is one of the most important and life-changing
of human experiences. Ayala Pines’ book displays a sweeping,
deep command of the burgeoning scientific literature on the
topic, yet her treatment of these ideas is deeply informed by
her clinical experience. The concepts and research findings
are consistently brought to life with revealing examples and
anecdotes. The book is thoroughly scholarly and up to date
and also an engaging and exciting read. I would recommend
this book to everyone from my social science research
colleagues to the commuter train conductor.
—Arthur Aron, Dept. of Psychology,
SUNY Stony Brook
...very thorough...includes a remarkable amount of research
and analysis.... Her intellect and empathy pour through the
pages.
—Anya Lane, Assistant Clinical Prof. of Psychology,
University of California, San Francisco

RT1879 title page 5/17/05 9:46 AM Page 1
Falling in Love
Second Edition
Why We Choose
The Lovers We Choose
Ayala Malach Pines
NEW YORK AND HOVE
RT1879_Discl.fm Page 1 Wednesday, May 25, 2005 9:40 AM
Published in 2005 by Published in Great Britain by
Routledge Routledge
Taylor & Francis Group Taylor & Francis Group
270 Madison Avenue 27 Church Road
New York, NY 10016 Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA
© 2005 by Taylor & Francis Group, LLC
Routledge is an imprint of Taylor & Francis Group
Printed in the United States of America on acid-free paper
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
International Standard Book Number-10: 0-415-95187-9 (Softcover)
International Standard Book Number-13: 978-0-415-95187-6 (Softcover)
Library of Congress Card Number 2004030816
No part of this book may be reprinted, reproduced, transmitted, or utilized in any form by any electronic,
mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying, microfilming, and
recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publishers.
Trademark Notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only
for identification and explanation without intent to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Malach-Pines, Ayala.
Falling in love : why we choose the lovers we choose / Ayala Malach Pines.-- 2nd ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 0-415-95187-9
1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Love. 3. Mate selection. I. Title.
HQ801.M366M34 2005
306.7--dc22 2004030816
Visit the Taylor & Francis Web site at
http://www.taylorandfrancis.com
Taylor & Francis Group and the Routledge Web site at
is the Academic Division of T&F Informa plc. http://www.routledge-ny.com
For the people I love most,
My children Itai and Shani
My husband Israel
My parents Judith and Zeev

Contents
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS xi
INTRODUCTION
About Falling in Love and About This Book xiii
Part One
CONSCIOUS ROMANTIC CHOICES
Increasing the Likelihood of Falling in Love 1
1 Proximity: The Hidden Matchmaker 3
2 Arousal: The Elixir of Love 13
3 Beauty and Character 27
4 Birds of a Feather or Opposites Attract? 47
5 Satisfying Needs and Reciprocating Love: We Love Those Who Love Us 61
6 The Course of Romantic Love: Falling in Love as a Process 71
7 On Men, Women, and Love: The Role of Status and Beauty 83
Part Two
UNCONSCIOUS CHOICES
How We Choose the Loves We Choose 105
8 Openness to Love 107
9 The Son Falls in Love with “Mother,” The Daughter with “Father” 123
10 The Internal Romantic Image 137
11 Four Stories 161
Part Three
ROMANTIC LOVE IN LONG-TERM
RELATIONSHIPS 177
12 Turning Love Problems into Opportunities for Growth 181