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Cruise Confidential: A Hit Below the Waterline: Where the Crew Lives, Eats, Wars, and Parties. One Crazy Year Working on Cruise Ships (Travelers' Tales) PDF

384 Pages·2008·4.01 MB·English
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Critical Acclaim for Cruise Confidential “Part Love Boat, part Mutiny on the Bounty, Cruise Confidential doesforcruisingwhatAnimalHousedidforhighereducation.” —J.MaartenTroost,authorofTheSexLivesofCannibals “Spray crashing, thunder blasting, bodies rolling around a heaving floor. Ship on the rocks? Nope, just a typical midnight party in the ‘under-the-waterline’worldoftheworkerswhomakebigcruiseships hum.ThefunniesttravelbookI’vereadinyears,CruiseConfidential breaksdownthewater-tightdoorsthatkeeppassengersawayfrom thereallywildtimesatsea.” —PeterMandel,authorofMyOceanLiner: AcrosstheAtlanticontheGreatShipNormandie “Cruise Confidential is a deliciously addictive read, much like The Nanny Diaries or The Devil Wears Prada. Only this book offers a blisteringkiss-and-tellaboutthedysfunctionallifeworkingoncruise ships. Bruns is uniquely over-educated for his job, yet he seems to haveapenchantforabuseandbecomestheonlyAmericantosurvive a full contract working on the service side of the business. We’ve heardstoriesaboutwhatit’slike,andwe’veassumedthere’sagood reasontheonlyoneswillingtodoitareseeminglydesperatecitizens fromtheworld’spoorestcountries.Therealityisworsethanwhat- ever you imagined, and Bruns suffers through it first hand as the ultimateinsider.Itbeganasaquesttobetogetherwithhisgirlfriend, but he gets roped in along the way and, as a result, we get a good lookintotheorgy-likecrewparties,afrighteningmanagementstyle that’samixofOldTestamentandMafia,andauniqueviewofhow cruisingAmericansareviewedbythepatientforeignerswhohaveto pamperthemdayandnight(manyoftheinternationalstaffreferto theAmericanguestsascowssincethey’reeasilyplacated,constantly grazing,andhaveaboutthesamesizewaistline).” —DougLansky,authorofLastTroutinVeniceandSignspotting “These hilarious misadventures at sea will shock and delight any buffet-readycruisetraveler.” —JenLeo,editorofSandinMyBraandTheThongAlsoRises Travelers’ Tales Books CountryandRegionalGuides America,Antarctica,Australia,Brazil,CentralAmerica,China, Cuba,France,Greece,India,Ireland,Italy,Japan,Mexico,Nepal, Cruise Spain,Thailand,Tibet,Turkey;Alaska,AmericanSouthwest, GrandCanyon,Hawai‘i,HongKong,MiddleEast,Paris, Prague,Provence,SanFrancisco,SouthPacific,Tuscany Confidential Women’sTravel 100PlacesEveryWomanShouldGo,TheBestWomen’sTravel Writing,AWoman’sAsia,AWoman’sEurope,HerForkin theRoad,AWoman’sPath,AWoman’sPassionforTravel, A Hit Below the Waterline AWoman’sWorld,WomenintheWild,AMother’sWorld, SafetyandSecurityforWomenWhoTravel,GutsyWomen, GutsyMamas,AWoman’sWorldAgain Body&Soul StoriestoLiveBy,TheSpiritualGiftsofTravel,TheRoadWithin, AMileinHerBoots,Love&Romance,Food,HowtoEatAround theWorld,TheAdventureofFood,TheUltimateJourney,Pilgrimage SpecialInterest NotSoFunnyWhenItHappened,TheGiftofRivers, HowtoShitAroundtheWorld,TestosteronePlanet,Danger!, TheFearlessShopper,ThePennyPincher’sPassportto LuxuryTravel,MakeYourTravelDollarsWorth aFortune,TheGiftofBirds,FamilyTravel,ADog’sWorld, There’sNoToiletPaperontheRoadLessTraveled, TheGiftofTravel,365Travel,TheThongAlsoRises, AdventuresinWine,TheWorldisaKitchen,SandinMyBra, HyenasLaughedatMeandNowIKnowWhy, WhosePantiesAreThese?,MoreSandinMyBra TravelLiterature ASenseofPlace,TheBestTravelWriting,MarcoPoloDidn’tGo There,ARottenPersonTravelstheCaribbean,KiteStringsofthe SouthernCross,TheSwordofHeaven,Storm,TakeMeWithYou, LastTroutinVenice,TheWayoftheWanderer,OneYearOff, TheFireNeverDies,TheRoyalRoadtoRomance,Unbeaten TracksinJapan,TheRiversRanEast,CoasttoCoast,TraderHorn CCrruuiissee CCoonnffiiddeennttiiaall A Hit Below the Waterline Cruise Confidential A Hit Below the Waterline CCrruuiissee CCoonnffiiddeennttiiaall A Hit Below the Waterline Brian David Bruns TRAVELERS’ TALES AN IMPRINT OF SOLAS HOUSE, INC. PALO ALTO Copyright © 2008 Brian David Bruns. All rights reserved. Travelers’ Tales and Solas House are trademarks of Solas House, Inc., 853 Alma Street, Palo Alto, California 94301. www.travelerstales.com Cover Design: Brian David Bruns Interior Design and Page Layout: Patty Holden, using the font Sabon Production Director: Christy Quinto Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Bruns, Brian David. Cruise confidential : a hit below the waterline / Brian David Bruns.— 1st ed. p. cm. ISBN 1-932361-60-X (pbk.) 1. Ocean travel—Anecdotes. 2. Cruise ships—Employees. 3. Cruise ships—Humor. I. Title. G550.B78 2008 910.4'5—dc22 2008019496 First Printing Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Dedicated to my parents, Marty and Audrey, for their endless support and enthusiasm C o n t e n t s PART I: Trainee (The Plunge) 1 Strange Bedfellows 3 2 Global Warning 7 3 Under the Water 14 4 Denizens of Babel 23 5 Nobody Parties Like Sailors 34 6 The Midnight Bahamian Toga Bash 46 7 Ship Life 101 55 8 Creepy Conch Fritters 63 9 Graduation 70 10 The End of the Beginning 76 PART II: Waiter (Promotion) 1 My First, and Only, Clingy Lingerie Model 83 2 Pancake Darwinism 89 3 The Crew Bar 96 4 My Heart Will Go On 104 5 The Infamous Filipino Elvis Massacre 109 6 Great Whites 115 7 Dining on Ashes 126 8 The Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Assumption 137 9 Stripping in the Dining Room 149 x ° BRIAN DAVID BRUNS PART III: Assistant Maitre d’ (Demotion) 1 Bogo 161 2 Enemy Mine 172 3 The Other Sexy Bitch 183 4 Tattoo Goo 192 5 The Torture of Funship Freddy 197 6 Hunger Pains 206 7 Viral Infections and You 214 8 Something Sweet at Midnight 226 9 Showdown and Breakdown 233 10 Jamaican Deep Blue 244 PART IV: The Legend (Destruction) 1 How to Fix an American 257 2 Legend 269 3 Tongs over Escalators 277 4 Frog and Onion 285 5 Ice Pirates 289 6 The Boatyard 300 7 Lost in Panama 309 8 The Four Temptations of the Apocalypse 322 9 Toast Master General 336 10 The Suicide 344 11 The Miracle 354 Epilogue 363 PART V: Appendices Glossary of Ship Language 367 Provisions for a Cruise 369 Stupid Questions 370 About the Author 371

Description:
In Cruise Confidential, Brian David Bruns spills the dirt — or in this case, the dirty water — on those romantic, fun-filled vacations at sea. His hilarious chronicle of the year he spent working for Carnival Cruise Lines takes readers down into the areas where the crew works and lives, leaving
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