Cruise Confidential: A Hit Below the Waterline: Where the Crew Lives, Eats, Wars, and Parties. One Crazy Year Working on Cruise Ships (Travelers' Tales)

384 Pages·2008·4.01 MB·English

by  Brian David Bruns

Critical Acclaim for Cruise Confidential
“Part Love Boat, part Mutiny on the Bounty, Cruise Confidential
doesforcruisingwhatAnimalHousedidforhighereducation.”
—J.MaartenTroost,authorofTheSexLivesofCannibals
“Spray crashing, thunder blasting, bodies rolling around a heaving
floor. Ship on the rocks? Nope, just a typical midnight party in the
‘under-the-waterline’worldoftheworkerswhomakebigcruiseships
hum.ThefunniesttravelbookI’vereadinyears,CruiseConfidential
breaksdownthewater-tightdoorsthatkeeppassengersawayfrom
thereallywildtimesatsea.”
—PeterMandel,authorofMyOceanLiner:
AcrosstheAtlanticontheGreatShipNormandie
“Cruise Confidential is a deliciously addictive read, much like The
Nanny Diaries or The Devil Wears Prada. Only this book offers a
blisteringkiss-and-tellaboutthedysfunctionallifeworkingoncruise
ships. Bruns is uniquely over-educated for his job, yet he seems to
haveapenchantforabuseandbecomestheonlyAmericantosurvive
a full contract working on the service side of the business. We’ve
heardstoriesaboutwhatit’slike,andwe’veassumedthere’sagood
reasontheonlyoneswillingtodoitareseeminglydesperatecitizens
fromtheworld’spoorestcountries.Therealityisworsethanwhat-
ever you imagined, and Bruns suffers through it first hand as the
ultimateinsider.Itbeganasaquesttobetogetherwithhisgirlfriend,
but he gets roped in along the way and, as a result, we get a good
lookintotheorgy-likecrewparties,afrighteningmanagementstyle
that’samixofOldTestamentandMafia,andauniqueviewofhow
cruisingAmericansareviewedbythepatientforeignerswhohaveto
pamperthemdayandnight(manyoftheinternationalstaffreferto
theAmericanguestsascowssincethey’reeasilyplacated,constantly
grazing,andhaveaboutthesamesizewaistline).”
—DougLansky,authorofLastTroutinVeniceandSignspotting
“These hilarious misadventures at sea will shock and delight any
buffet-readycruisetraveler.”
—JenLeo,editorofSandinMyBraandTheThongAlsoRises
Travelers’ Tales Books
CountryandRegionalGuides
America,Antarctica,Australia,Brazil,CentralAmerica,China,
Cuba,France,Greece,India,Ireland,Italy,Japan,Mexico,Nepal, Cruise
Spain,Thailand,Tibet,Turkey;Alaska,AmericanSouthwest,
GrandCanyon,Hawai‘i,HongKong,MiddleEast,Paris,
Prague,Provence,SanFrancisco,SouthPacific,Tuscany Confidential
Women’sTravel
100PlacesEveryWomanShouldGo,TheBestWomen’sTravel
Writing,AWoman’sAsia,AWoman’sEurope,HerForkin
theRoad,AWoman’sPath,AWoman’sPassionforTravel,
A Hit Below the Waterline
AWoman’sWorld,WomenintheWild,AMother’sWorld,
SafetyandSecurityforWomenWhoTravel,GutsyWomen,
GutsyMamas,AWoman’sWorldAgain
Body&Soul
StoriestoLiveBy,TheSpiritualGiftsofTravel,TheRoadWithin,
AMileinHerBoots,Love&Romance,Food,HowtoEatAround
theWorld,TheAdventureofFood,TheUltimateJourney,Pilgrimage
SpecialInterest
NotSoFunnyWhenItHappened,TheGiftofRivers,
HowtoShitAroundtheWorld,TestosteronePlanet,Danger!,
TheFearlessShopper,ThePennyPincher’sPassportto
LuxuryTravel,MakeYourTravelDollarsWorth
aFortune,TheGiftofBirds,FamilyTravel,ADog’sWorld,
There’sNoToiletPaperontheRoadLessTraveled,
TheGiftofTravel,365Travel,TheThongAlsoRises,
AdventuresinWine,TheWorldisaKitchen,SandinMyBra,
HyenasLaughedatMeandNowIKnowWhy,
WhosePantiesAreThese?,MoreSandinMyBra
TravelLiterature
ASenseofPlace,TheBestTravelWriting,MarcoPoloDidn’tGo
There,ARottenPersonTravelstheCaribbean,KiteStringsofthe
SouthernCross,TheSwordofHeaven,Storm,TakeMeWithYou,
LastTroutinVenice,TheWayoftheWanderer,OneYearOff,
TheFireNeverDies,TheRoyalRoadtoRomance,Unbeaten
TracksinJapan,TheRiversRanEast,CoasttoCoast,TraderHorn
CCrruuiissee
CCoonnffiiddeennttiiaall
A Hit Below the Waterline
Cruise
Confidential
A Hit Below the Waterline
CCrruuiissee
CCoonnffiiddeennttiiaall
A Hit Below the Waterline
Brian David Bruns
TRAVELERS’ TALES
AN IMPRINT OF SOLAS HOUSE, INC.
PALO ALTO
Copyright © 2008 Brian David Bruns. All rights reserved.
Travelers’ Tales and Solas House are trademarks of Solas House, Inc.,
853 Alma Street, Palo Alto, California 94301. www.travelerstales.com
Cover Design: Brian David Bruns
Interior Design and Page Layout: Patty Holden, using the font Sabon
Production Director: Christy Quinto
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Bruns, Brian David.
Cruise confidential : a hit below the waterline / Brian David Bruns.—
1st ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-932361-60-X (pbk.)
1. Ocean travel—Anecdotes. 2. Cruise ships—Employees. 3. Cruise
ships—Humor. I. Title.
G550.B78 2008
910.4'5—dc22 2008019496
First Printing
Printed in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Dedicated to my parents,
Marty and Audrey,
for their endless support
and enthusiasm

C o n t e n t s
PART I: Trainee (The Plunge)
1 Strange Bedfellows 3
2 Global Warning 7
3 Under the Water 14
4 Denizens of Babel 23
5 Nobody Parties Like Sailors 34
6 The Midnight Bahamian Toga Bash 46
7 Ship Life 101 55
8 Creepy Conch Fritters 63
9 Graduation 70
10 The End of the Beginning 76
PART II: Waiter (Promotion)
1 My First, and Only, Clingy Lingerie Model 83
2 Pancake Darwinism 89
3 The Crew Bar 96
4 My Heart Will Go On 104
5 The Infamous Filipino Elvis Massacre 109
6 Great Whites 115
7 Dining on Ashes 126
8 The Slings and Arrows of
Outrageous Assumption 137
9 Stripping in the Dining Room 149
x ° BRIAN DAVID BRUNS
PART III: Assistant Maitre d’ (Demotion)
1 Bogo 161
2 Enemy Mine 172
3 The Other Sexy Bitch 183
4 Tattoo Goo 192
5 The Torture of Funship Freddy 197
6 Hunger Pains 206
7 Viral Infections and You 214
8 Something Sweet at Midnight 226
9 Showdown and Breakdown 233
10 Jamaican Deep Blue 244
PART IV: The Legend (Destruction)
1 How to Fix an American 257
2 Legend 269
3 Tongs over Escalators 277
4 Frog and Onion 285
5 Ice Pirates 289
6 The Boatyard 300
7 Lost in Panama 309
8 The Four Temptations of the Apocalypse 322
9 Toast Master General 336
10 The Suicide 344
11 The Miracle 354
Epilogue 363
PART V: Appendices
Glossary of Ship Language 367
Provisions for a Cruise 369
Stupid Questions 370
About the Author 371