Common Complaints in Couple Therapy: New Approaches to Treating Marital Conflict

206 Pages·2014·1.19 MB·English

by  Joan Lachkar

“Finely attuned to the myriad ways in which individuals voice their complaints
in marital, cross-cultural, and corporate settings, Lachkar offers us a treasure
trove of insight and interventions, as she delineates communicative patterns
across the globe within a dyadic context. She also introduces original concepts
like the ‘V-spot’ (the point of our greatest vulnerability). Noting changes in the
nation’s demography, she offers a cultural ear for discerning cultural rational-
ization from neurotic conflicts. Her writing is firmly anchored in theory and yet
eminently accessible to readers at all levels of experience.”
— Salman Akhtar, MD , Thomas Jefferson University, and Supervising
and Training Analyst, Psychoanalytic Center of Philadelphia
“Joan Lachkar’s genius for learning from her patients is matched only by her tal-
ent for organizing her insights and sharing them with her readers. In C ommon
Complaints in Couple Therapy , she explores the common but frequently over-
looked symptomatic styles of the complainer, through which she threads such
key modalities of narcissism, borderline conditions, and obsessive-compulsive
neurosis, all deftly framed within current theories and therapeutic interventions.”
— Dan Dervin, PhD , author of Creativity and Culture ,
and of the forthcoming The Evolution of Inwardness
“Joan Lachkar once again has written an excellent guide for psychologists
engaged in conjoint therapies. While she speaks directly to the modern Ameri-
can psychologist, she goes beyond the usual middle-class situations to examine
cross-cultural relationships, artists with their special needs, and even the new
sensibility toward gays, lesbians, and transsexuals. To other readers, including
lay persons outside of the United States, the author offers an unabashed insight
into the problems of one key culture, and especially opens the conversation to
international conflict-resolution, the control of terrorism, and other psycho-
historical themes.”
— Norman Simms, PhD , founding editor of M entalities/
Mentalites , an interdisciplinary journal of the
history of mentalities and psychohistory
“Lachkar captures the art of listening, distinguishing legitimate complaints,
and how to respond. Moving from the domestic to the global, she has succinctly
demonstrated the crucial importance of listening to the other as well as walking
in their shoes. In this book she reintroduces the challenges that cross-cultural
couples bring into today’s ever changing world. This book is of utmost vital
importance for all those who are involved in and committed to resolving family
to global conflict.”
— Nancy Kobrin, PhD , psychoanalyst
Common
Complaints in
Couple Therapy

Marriage and couple therapists see clients with broken relationships and bonds
all the time; those who were once madly in love can grow indifferent, peo-
ple change, and couples go into sessions feeling depressed, traumatized, and
sometimes abused by their partners. Joan Lachkar examines the vicissitudes
of love relations by taking into account aspects of aggression, cruelty, sadism,
envy, and other primitive defenses lurking in the shadows of love and intimacy.
Each chapter revolves around a specific situational conflict, with guidelines
and treatment suggestions offered to the therapist. Numerous vignettes and
detailed descriptions of theoretical technique, methodology, and diagnostic dis-
tinctions are included throughout the book to help readers see theory in action.
The theoretical concepts drawn on include psychoanalysis, object relations,
self-psychology, attachment theory, dialectical behavioral therapy, mindfulness,
and others, with a heavy emphasis on listening and non-verbal and verbal com-
munication throughout.
Joan Lachkar, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private prac-
tice in Sherman Oaks, California. She teaches and practices psychotherapy
using a psychodynamic approach. She is the author of numerous publications
on marital conflict, is an affiliate member and instructor at the New Center for
Psychoanalysis, is a master presenter at numerous conferences, and is on the
editorial board of the J ournal of Emotional Abuse.
This page intentionally left blank
Common
Complaints

in Couple
Therapy

New Approaches to
Treating Marital
Conf lict
Joan Lachkar
First published 2014
by Routledge
711 Th ird Avenue, New York, NY 10017
and by Routledge
27 Church Road, Hove, East Sussex BN3 2FA
Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business
© 2014 Taylor & Francis
Th e rights of Joan Lachkar to be identifi ed as the author of this work
have been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced
or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means,
now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording,
or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in
writing from the publishers.
Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks
or registered trademarks, and are used only for identifi cation and
explanation without intent to infringe.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Lachkar, Joan.
Common complaints in couple therapy : new approaches to treating
marital confl ict / Joan Lachkar. — 1 Edition.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references and index.
1. Couples therapy. 2. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title.
RC488.5.L3473 2014
616.89ʹ1562—dc23
2013050994
ISBN: 978-0-415-83605-0 (hbk)
ISBN: 978-0-415-83606-7 (pbk)
ISBN: 978-0-203-42815-3 (ebk)
Typeset in Berkeley
by Apex CoVantage, LLC
(cid:2)
Contents
A bout the Author ix
A cknowledgments xi
Introduction xiii
Chapter 1 Complaints and the Art of Listening 1
Chapter 2 The Psychodynamics of Complaints:
Theoretical Contributions 17
Chapter 3 It Takes One to Tango 39
Chapter 4 Promises, Promises 59
Chapter 5 The Robotic Relationship 77
Chapter 6 The Self-Saboteurs 91
Chapter 7 A Life of Lies 105
Chapter 8 When East Meets West 113
Chapter 9 Taking Complaints to the Professional Level 137
Chapter 10 Treatment Suggestions and Techniques 147
Closing Thoughts 161
Glossary 165
Bibliography 175
Index 181
vii
This page intentionally left blank
(cid:2)
About the Author
Joan Lachkar, PhD, a licensed marriage and fam-
ily therapist in private practice in Sherman Oaks,
California, is an affiliate member of the New Center
for Psychoanalysis and the author of  The Narcissistic/
Borderline Couple: Psychoanalytic Perspective on Mar-
ital Treatment ,  The Many Faces of Abuse: Treating the
Emotional Abuse of High-Functioning Women ,  The
V-Spot ,  How  to Talk to a Narcissist , How to  Talk to a
Borderline , and The Disappearing Male. In addition
to being a communication specialist, Dr. Lachkar
is considered one of the foremost experts on mari-
tal and political conflict. She has taught courses
both locally and internationally at universities,
psychoanalytic institutes, and major conferences
throughout the world. Dr. Lachkar has integrated her work on emotional
abuse, terrorism, and counterterrorism with the political arena and presented a
paper on “The Psychopathology of Terrorism,” written from a psychodynamic
perspective, at the Rand Corporation.
ix