Table Of Content

“Co-parenting 101 offers practical advice, information, and tools for parents that can be easily implemented, as well as a tremendous amount of hope. I recommend that parents read this book not only to avoid problems but also as a manual to consult when difficult situations arise.” —Susan Pease Gadoua, author of Contemplating Divorce and Stronger Day by Day “As a marital and couples therapist, I have witnessed how contentious divorces affect both the parents and their children. It can be agonizing. I would highly recommend and encourage those folks contemplating divorce to read this book first. It is extremely practical with many vignettes of actual parent struggles, including the authors’ own co-parenting journey. The interview with the authors’ daughter is particularly touching and poignant, a powerful message for all divorced parents.” —Bari Benjamin, LCSW, BCD, licensed, clinical social worker “An extraordinary book and required reading for separated and divorced parents, as well as mental health practitioners. [Co-parenting 101] outlines some of the possible pitfalls of the co-parenting process with which clinicians like myself are all too familiar and regularly deal with therapeutically. But now we can refer parents to Co-parenting 101 to help them mindfully approach the co-parenting process and examine the array of options they have in their parenting toolbox. —Robert F. Fierstein, PhD, licensed psychologist “Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas have done the impossible. This for- merly married couple not only co-parent their children without rancor, but in Co-parenting 101, they teach us how to do it, too. What a helpful, detailed, and realistic guide to a widespread but much ignored situation! This book will help readers navigate the tricky and often treacherous waters of co-parenting with a former partner.” —Ericka Lutz, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Stepparenting “As a family physician, I care for hundreds of families with parents living sepa- rately. The mental and physical health of children is directly impacted by the relationship between their co-parents. I’m recommending this book to every separated family I see. If parents were willing to step up and consider the sug- gestions made in Co-parenting 101, their kids would be healthier and far more resilient!” —Deborah Gilboa, MD, of askdoctorg.com CCoooo----ppppaaaarrrreeeennnnttttiiiinnnngggg 111111111110000000000011111111111 Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households after Divorce Deesha Philyaw Michael D. Thomas New Harbinger Publications, Inc. Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2013 by Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com All Rights Reserved Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Cover design by Amy Shoup; Edited by Will DeRooy; Text design by Tracy Carlson Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Philyaw, Deesha. Co-parenting 101 : helping your kids thrive in two households after divorce / Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas. pages cm Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-60882-463-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-464-9 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-465-6 (epub) 1. Children of divorced parents. 2. Parenting, Part-time. 3. Divorced parents. 4. Joint custody of children. I. Thomas, Michael D., 1971- II. Title. III. Title: Co-parenting one hundred one. IV. Title: Co-parenting one hundred and one. HQ777.5.P48 2013 306.89--dc23 2013003020 To Taylor, Peyton, Troi, Lauren, and CEF with love — D.P. To C., Taylor, Peyton, and Mika. You are both the “how” and the “why” in my co- parenting journey. I love you! — M.D.T. Contents Acknowledgments. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vii Introduction: “You Should Write a Book” . . . . . . .1 Part I Divorce 101 1 Before You Call a Lawyer: Laying the Groundwork for Co- parenting Success . . . . . . . 13 2 Good Grief: Strategies to Start the Healing Process . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25 3 Attorneys and Mediators and Collaborative Divorce— Oh, My! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 Part II Co- parenting Basics 4 What’s Your Co- parenting Style? . . . . . . . . . . 53 5 Fifteen Things You May Want to Do (But Must Not Do) as a Co- parent . . . . . . . . . . . . 73 Co-parenting 101 6 Fifteen Things You Must Do (But May Not Want to Do) as a Co- parent . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 7 Calendars, Clothes,and Camps . . . . . . . . . . 107 8 Write Your Own Parenting Plan . . . . . . . . . 133 9 Separate but Equal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 141 10 “What about Us?”: Never- Married and Noncustodial Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147 Part III “But You Don’t Know My Ex” 11 Co- parenting, Dating, and Remarriage . . . . . 161 12 Fifteen Things You Can Do for Your Child in Spite of Your Uncooperative Ex . . . . . . . 179 Postscript: What Co- parents Can Learn from Adult Children of Divorce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 193 Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199 References . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207 vi Acknowledgments Many people supported this book before it was a book at all. We thank Wednesday Martin, PhD; Robert F. Fierstein, PhD; Tony Norman; Cora Daniels; Yvonne Kelly of the Step and Blended Family Institute; Troy Johnson of the African American Literature Book Club; parenting coordinator Brooke Randolph for wise, wise counsel; Chris Ivey and Rebecca Cech for their love and manual labor; Kenneth Crudup for his brilliance; Laura Szabo- Cohen for provid- ing sustenance; Ericka Lutz for her first- reader keen eye; Kim Ellis (aka Dr. Goddess) for her tireless cheerleading on our behalf and on behalf of children and families; Catherine Greeno and Andi Fischhoff for their “on the ground” support of us and our blog Co- Parenting 101; and Talibah Mbonisi for pretty much everything. For innumerable acts of kindness and help, we also appreciate Jennifer James Soto, Lissett Oliveri; Andrea Morgan; Taneshia Nash Laird; Heather Hetchler; Kim Daboo; Faith Adiele; Genie Maples; Tami Winfrey Harris; Carolyn Edgar; Yona Harvey; members of the CoParenting101.org Facebook group; and all our Twitter followers. Special thanks to the Flight School crew (Joe Dziekan, Jasdeep Khaira, and Courtney Ehrlichman), literary agent extraordinaire Danielle Chiotti; and Will DeRooy and the smart, keen- eyed folks at New Harbinger Publications. To everyone else who has graciously helped make this book possible, please charge the omission of your names to our faulty memories and not to our hearts.