Become One: Claim the Drivers Seat of Your Life PDF
Preview Become One: Claim the Drivers Seat of Your Life
B O ECOME NE C D S Y L LAIM THE RIVERS EAT OF OUR IFE! B C C S P D Y: HERIE ARTER- COTT, H. . Special heartfelt thanks go to Michelle Christensen for editing the manuscript and formatting the text and images. Additional thanks go to Julia Levy whose artwork has enhanced the friendliness of the manuscript, and whose cover art has captured the essence of the message. A CKNOWLEDGMENTS Even though I have never read a book on sub-personalities, nor have I ever participated in any workshops on that subject, I feel a need to acknowledge those who have contributed to the body of knowledge on this subject. Regardless of our paths not crossing, when an idea’s time has come, many are guided to similar information. The names below have certainly laid the groundwork for the work that has organically evolved through both our MMS Institute Inner Negotiation Workshop and our MMS Coach Training that we have been conducting since 1975. These names are listed in alphabetical order and to the best of my knowledge these people are those who (some greater and some to a lesser degree) have contributed to work in this field. If I have missed someone who is not listed, I sincerely apologize. Roberto Assagioli Molly Young Brown Rita Carter Miriam Dyak Jay Earley John Firman Mark D. Forman Kevin Hogan Elliott Ingersoll John H. King, Jr. Heinz Kohut Hal Stone & Sidra Levi Stone Dr. John Rowan Robert Keegan Richard C. Schwartz Debbie Unterman George E. Vaillant James Vargiu Ann Weiser, Ph.D. Ken Wilber Thomas Zinser Sincere Gratitude to those who have contributed to this book…their case studies lay the groundwork for coaches to help others integrate facets of themselves and Become One! Anne-Else Anneke Annelies Caroline Cornelie Geesje Jaap Marc Marily Michael Monique Pascal Paul Richard Wendy T C ABLE OF ONTENTS Chapter 1 Who Gets in the Way? Chapter 2 Some Simple “Subs” Chapter 3 Theatre of the “Subs” Chapter 4 Sub Excavation Multiplied Chapter 5 Partners Exhume “Subs” Chapter 6 The Author’s “Subs” Chapter 7 “Sub-Integration” C HAPTER 1 W G I W HO ETS N THE AY? New Year’s Resolutions January is the perfect time to start the New Year with a new perspective, new goals, new energy, and new hope. You may be coaching someone who has some of these goals to launch their New Year in a positive way: (cid:0) I want to exercise three times per week (cid:0) I want to stop smoking (cid:0) I want to start being on time (cid:0) I want to get to sleep before midnight These goals may not be Earth shattering or life altering, but they represent a snapshot in time that provides a clear “Before” and “After” image of someone’s desired behavior changes for the New Year. Most people have the best of intentions on January 1st, however, as the weeks and months progress, they often gradually slide back to their old behaviors because the familiar and comfortable behaviors are more imbedded and habitual than the new unfamiliar ones. By March 1st, many people will have forgotten their lofty, inspired goals and settle back into their previous comfort zones of last year, last decade, or even the last century. This is not tragic, but rather the average and normal pattern of the best of intentions. The question is, “Why does this happen?” You may say, “Laziness!” or “That’s human nature!” or “Motivation only lasts so long, people are creatures of habit,” or “Changing behaviors is hard work!” This is exactly one reason people choose to retain a coach. The coach acts as a bridge from the past to the future. The coach eases the transition and helps the reinforcement of the new desired behaviors. The coach helps the individual transition into who they want to be rather than clinging to who they have been in the past. The question is, how can someone effectively change behaviors and make them stick…permanently? If you look inside the human “Choice-Making” mechanism you will notice that while one part of the individual may be clearly motivated to change, another part may appear less inspired about the prospect of changing anything at all… exercising, becoming a non-smoker, transitioning to become a punctual person, eliminating procrastination, ceasing to nail bite, eliminating carbohydrates, including adding an additional hour more of sleep per night. The less motivated part may be resistant, disbelieving, or even sabotaging the possibility of transformation. You may be using this book as a tool to use with your coaching clients, but for expediency, let’s use you as an example. We can assume that you have already achieved the majority of your goals and are totally client-focused, however, just imagine for the time we are together that you are the focus. This will make the process easier and more fluid. Ready? Let’s begin! Imagine that you committed to exercise on a regular basis. Does a voice inside your head come up with reasons and excuses that justify your inability to get this accomplished? Does work become daunting and prohibitive, gobbling up every free moment at lunch and after work? Does another voice convince you to stay in bed in the morning to steal another hour of well-deserved sleep rather than dragging yourself out of bed and going to the gym? Imagine a mental conversation between the different facets of your personality; the side that wants to grow and improve and the opposite side that wants to stay the same. You could label them “Stay the Same” (SS) verses “Grow and Develop” (GD). The conversation might sound something like this: GD: You said that you would exercise three times per week! SS: Yeah, but tomorrow is a good day to start. GD: There is no time like the present. SS: You need your sleep! GD: Do what you said you would do! SS: It’s raining outside. I could catch a cold. Better go back to sleep. GD: You’re going to get fatter if you don’t exercise! SS: One day won’t matter. I can easily start tomorrow. GD: Always tomorrow. That’s what you do, you delay the process. SS: I need to have energy to exercise. I have no energy today. GD: You are becoming a couch potato! SS: I will get around to it, but today I just need my rest. GD: There you go making promises and not sticking to them. SS: If I push myself too hard I will only rebel. I need space. GD: I simply cannot trust you to do what you say! SS: I will get around to it, but today is just not the right day to start. Perhaps tomorrow! Does this sound familiar? If you go to a party with friends, having made the commitment to stop smoking, does the little voice inside undermine your choice by coaxing, “Just one won’t hurt!” If you want to get to bed before midnight, does a little voice rationalize, “There is a great movie on tonight, start tomorrow!” What power percentages would you allocate to each side? Seriously consider allocating numbers to the “Stay the Same” side vs. the “Grow and Develop” side. What would you estimate: Seventy vs. thirty? Sixty vs. forty? Fifty-fifty? Who usually wins this competition? Do you know which side you would bet on if this were an official contest? Whom would you ideally like to win? Who usually wins? Have you ever noticed a conversation like this in your mind? Or maybe this reminds you of a conversation you have had with someone you coach. Did that conversation address the pros and cons of following through and doing what had been promised, especially when a big part of the person in question really didn’t want to do “it?” Have you listened to both sides unsure which side to take? Ask your coachee which side usually wins? The voices of the mind may have a tendency to: (cid:0) Be fearful or cavalier (cid:0) Criticize or praise (cid:0) Judge or sympathize (cid:0) Empower or sabotage self or others (cid:0) Discipline or liberate (cid:0) Defeat or encourage (cid:0) Be professional or capricious (cid:0) Talk you out of or into making certain decisions These voices can impede progress if allowed by:
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