Anxious to Please

215 Pages·2006·1.45 MB·English

by  Craig English

Copyright © 2006 by James Rapson and Craig English Cover and internal design © 2006 by Sourcebooks,
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
English, Craig.
Anxious to please : 7 revolutionary practices for the chronically nice / Craig English, James Rapson.
p. cm.
Includes index.
1. Attachment behavior. I. Rapson, James. II. Title.
BF575.A86E54 2006
155.2’32—dc22
2005033002
Printed and bound in the United States of America.
POD 18 17 16 15 14 13 12
Contents
Introduction: An Epidemic of Nice People
Section One: Nice People
Chapter One: How to Make a Nice Person: The Enduring Effects of Anxious
Attachment
Chapter Two: A Natural History of the Nice Person
Chapter Three: Pedestals, Altars, and Gilded Cages
Section Two: The 7 Practices
Chapter Four: Awareness Practice
Chapter Five: Desert Practice
Chapter Six: Warrior Practice
Chapter Seven: Brotherhood and Sisterhood Practice
Chapter Eight: Family Practice
Chapter Nine: Disillusionment Practice
Chapter Ten: Integration Practice
Section Three: Romantic Relationships
Chapter Eleven: The Transforming Relationship
Chapter Twelve: Creative Conflict
Chapter Thirteen: Union
Chapter Fourteen: Stand by Your Transforming Man or Woman
Epilogue
About the Authors
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
We are deeply grateful for the impeccable guidance and friendship of our agent,
Andrea Hurst, who had the vision and courage to believe in this project and
know where it needed to go. Many heartfelt thanks as well for the deft hand and
buoyant spirit of our editor, Bethany Brown at Sourcebooks, Inc.
Craig would like to particularly thank Robert and Sema English for a lifetime
of love and support, not to mention the writing gene. Muchos gracias to The
Commoners writing group (Stephanie Kallos, Ellen Parker, Ron Pellegrino, and
Chi Chi Singler) for their honesty, humor, sharp eyes, and tireless work. Lastly,
a special thanks to Monica Sweet who not only dreamed the name of this book,
but has tested its message day-by-day as a partner, instigator, guinea pig,
cheerleader, guru, doctor, deliverer of tea and good cheer, and Transforming
Woman.
Many others have contributed to this book and the personal sojourn it
represents. We would like to express our appreciation for the support, guidance,
and inspiration of the following people:
Shari Barnes, John Bradshaw, Steve Brush, Robert Cumbow, Mary Anne
Dorward, Catherine Duke, Dr. Judy Eekhoff, Mike Ferraro and the great folks at
Julia’s Cafe, Betsy Gilbert, Caryl Greene, Dr. Sarah Groen-Coleyn, Rachel Jay,
Stephanie Koontz, Jim Labe and the staff at Teahouse Kuan Yin, Alice Lee,
Elizabeth Lyon, Genene Murphy, Janet Page, Shannon Patterson, Denise Silva,
Tammy Schlief, Tony Soper, Jim “The Wizard” Strange, Dr. Tim Weber, Bob
Weeks, Ted Weinstein, Judith Wills, Dr. David York, Michael J. and Obi-Wan,
and Rachel Young.
And a special thank you to all the men and women who so graciously
allowed themselves to be interviewed, as well as the many patients and students
whose stories have moved and instructed us more than they can know.
Introduction:
An Epidemic of Nice People
The hand moves and the fire’s
whirling takes different shapes.
All things change when we do.
—KUKAI

If it were a disease, it would headline newspapers and magazines. There would
be support groups across the country. Telethons would raise money for research
and treatment, an 800-number running at the bottom of the screen. Public service
announcements would detail the list of symptoms so that people could recognize
the condition and seek help as soon as possible:
Constant anxiety
Crippled self-esteem
Depression
Disruption of family relationships
Futility in the workplace
Obsessive thoughts
Constant need for reassurance
Undermined romantic intimacy
It is the silent affliction of our day. As many as thirty million people in the
U.S. alone suffer from the particular form of anxiety that underlies this
condition, even though the condition is both preventable and treatable. It is an
epidemic of Nice People.
THE NICE LIST
You may be a Nice Person:
If you are always longing for something (or someone).
If you feel worried or fretful so often it seems normal.
If you often don’t know what you want.
If you’re always thinking about what you wish you had said.
If you constantly second-guess yourself.
If you apologize frequently, especially for things you are not
responsible for.
If you take what you’re given instead of asking for what you want.
If you are often preoccupied with what other people think of you.
If you are frequently surprised that other people don’t reciprocate your
good will.
If you do favors for people with the secret hope they will reciprocate.
If you are more prone to feel sorry for yourself than to take action and
fix a problem.
If you tend to give more than you get (you might be resentful about
this).
If it seems like other people get the attention or the acknowledgment.
If it seems like other people get the dates (maybe your friends tell you
you’re a great catch).
If your emotional state mirrors your partner’s (if your partner isn’t
happy, you aren’t happy).
THE WAYS AND MEANS OF NICE PEOPLE
Most people are nice, at least part of the time. We live in a world that encourages
niceness, even enforces it. A person has to know how to follow the rules, play
well with others, and rub folks the right way in order to succeed. It helps if he or
she can smile and be gracious under duress.
At the company picnic, Tom loiters at the edges of a boisterous group, a grin
pasted on his face, frequently interjecting an ill-timed quip or a too-long
anecdote. Hannah is fussing around the food, making sure there will be
enough for everyone and offering help where none is needed. Shelly has
been talking for the past hour about Sean, whom she dated a year ago but
can’t get out of her mind. Roberto has found his familiar place, watching the
kids and anxiously monitoring his wife’s mood. Dozens more are appeasing,
yearning, clinging, and fretting their way through this all-too-typical
afternoon.
So what’s wrong with being nice? Nothing—in the right context. Being nice
makes life more pleasant, and can help things flow more smoothly.
Nice People go further than this. They can’t quite help themselves. They
have to be nice. They are nice whether it’s called for or not. They are nice when
being ignored or even insulted. They are nice when they want someone (okay,
everyone) to like them. They overfunction, over-adapt, over-apologize. They
navigate their world by accommodating and acquiescing—by trying to please.
When things aren’t working, they try harder—and most of the time, they’re
trying harder to be nice.
Nice People are nice whether it’s called
for or not. They can’t help themselves
NICE PEOPLE TRAITS:
Anxious to please, especially the central people in their life (parent, spouse,
girlfriend/boyfriend)
Show anxiety in relationships by clinging, ingratiating, and over-adapting
Overly concerned with what others think of them. They are continually
surprised when they are rejected
Don’t have good judgment about when to disclose thoughts or emotions,
and to whom
They minimize the faults, flaws, and dangers of people they are attracted to
or involved with
Will often minimize their unhappiness and tell others that they are much
happier than they really are
Are out of touch with the full range of their anger and aggression
THE INNER LIFE OF NICE PEOPLE
While the external appearance of Nice People is characterized by ingratiating
compromise, their internal reality is quite different. Nice People suffer from
persistent anxiety and fear that often lingers just out of their awareness like the
constant backache of the lifelong construction worker. This unsettled emotional
baseline is the fount of “nice” behaviors.
EMOTIONAL BASELINE OF NICE PEOPLE:
Believe that their safety and happiness depend on their ability to please the
significant woman or man in their life
Crave recognition and affirmation of their goodness
Are often troubled by romantic longings and obsessions
Use relationships to mask their inability to love themselves
Idealize others
Find their own happiness to be elusive and fleeting
Believe that they will never get what they really want
Often feel that they have no control over their sexual fulfillment
Feel contempt for their own Nice Person traits and hate their need for love,
affection, reassurance, and sex
Every morning, Sam goes to get his latte, and Sarah, the barista, always
remembers how he likes it. She has a pretty smile and if there aren’t too
many people around she asks him how things are going. Sam adores Sarah
and for the last two years has wanted to ask her out on a date. Some days he
imagines the beautiful relationship and rapturous sex that he is sure they
would have. Other days he tortures himself with the rejection he anticipates.
Some days he skips his latte because he’s so angry or disgusted with
himself.